Feeling a bit low

sticher

Sorry to post this but just needed to get it off my chest. Basically, to cut a long story short, I feel that my sister (only sibling) has no interest in me or my family at all.

I thought we were close although she has never really seemed to seek my company, preferring to spend time with her inlaws. Holidays and nights out were always with BILs family and she never included me or my family.

A couple of years ago for the first time we all went away together for a couple of weekends and then for a 2 week holiday (in Devon). Seemed to go well to me, but then last year they went away with BILs family again. No big deal, but I have often told her how I long to take the boys abroad but am hesitant without another adult. I have also said I would be happy to travel with others and then to do our own thing when there if necessary, just happy to know some friendly faces were around in a strange country.

This year she was telling me how BILs family were messing them about regarding their holiday and I said that I would have liked to have been invited and she went into lists of excuses - age difference between our children, me being single is no company for her hubby, etc. Even said that her SIL was company for her - and I asked why I wouldn't be company and then she said it was BIL who wanted the company too. Previous to this she had told me that SIL was unlikely to want to visit the same attractions as them, but they would just leave her by the pool - so I can't understand.

I have tried to explain how I feel to her, but she just says we are close and I am always welcome at her house. In reality, I can't remember the last time she visited me at my house and only ever rings me when she has to/wants me to do something for her.

I feel totally used and rejected. It doesn't help that our Mum passed away this time last year, who I would talk to about anything like this. I don't really know what to do. She wants me to colour her hair soon (I am a qualified hairdresser now and although I have always done their hair for free I feel that I should receive some payment). I have been at her house for hours doing hers and 3 teenage girls hair on several occasions and never even been treated. I just feel that if I couldn't do anything for her, I would never hear from her at all.

By the way - I do have lots of lovely friends and am going away with them for a couple of weeks, but that's not the problem.

Sorry to go on and that this post is so long. Just felt the need to get it out.

melancholly

have a hug - families are always difficult, and trying to list all the things that have annoyed you over a number of years never gets across quite why it hurts so much.

to be honest, if you feel that she only has contact with you to benefit her, then what will you be losing? i only have contact with my sister through my parents and now that i've come to terms with the fact that i never really liked her and have nothing to talk to her about (and the decade of resentment for a variety of reasons!), it's liberating! i don't see the point in banging my head against a brick wall for no good reason other than 'sisters should get on'. we don't and that make everything easier!

(and i'd at least charge her something towards the cost of the materials to dye her hair - it's amazing she doesn't bring a bottle of wine or something!)

sticher

Thanks melancholly for your reply.

it's amazing she doesn't bring a bottle of wine or something!) - I actually have to go to her as I drive and she no longer does.

Trouble is I do like her and we seem to get on really well when together. I suppose though I have always been fonder of her than she is of me and have always done stuff for her for nothing in return. Maybe I should just accept she doesn't feel the same (although she says we are close).

melancholly

i find that judging people by actions rather than words is often more useful!

lady_noluck

First of all <<<<BIG HUGS>>>> to you. I know exactly how you feel except in my situation it's my mum who doesn't want to know. She's visited me 6 times in 8 years and only lives 20 mins away!! It's horrible to think your family only bother with you when they need something but unfortunately some families are like that.

I hate to say it but it sounds to me like your sister is just "keeping you onside" for when she needs you ie hairdressing. Tell her you're going to start charging her for hairdressing and see what she says.

I know families are supposed to stick together but if she's just breaking your heart then there's no point in trying to make the effort all the time. Let her go and you have fun with your friends (who are probably more sisterly than she's being!)

sticher

Yes you are right melancholly. Maybe I will try and keep my distance and accept that she doesn't really want me in her life for anything other than what I can do for her. I will still feel used though when she wants me to do her hair. She actually told my niece that she (neice) only rings me when she wants something - I should said something then I suppose but I want us to get along. It hurts me to think she's not bothered about me or my kids (don't know when she last saw them either!)

Thanks lady-noluck It is hard isn't it and very hurtfull. I never thought I would feel like this about my sister. I think maybe you are right about keeping me onside - thinking back it has always been the same.

paddy's_mum

If you have already tried to explain how you feel about the relationship between you and nothing has changed, I would be looking very hard at what is sustaining the relationship. It is not difficult to maintain loving contact.

My mother now lives 150 miles away from me and it is a rare day that I don't speak to her on the phone, send a picture postcard, or snip an interesting little item out of a magazine for her - and perhaps, even more importantly, vice versa even though I am myself a grey haired granny in my own right!

My dearest friend (of 30 years duration) is much closer to me than my chip-on-the-shoulder sister will ever be. In the end, I just had to accept that you might be sisters but that does not automatically make you dear friends.

Perhaps the next time she phones and asks you to drive to her and do the hairdresser thing, you could reply that you're sorry but you are saving hard for a great holiday with some new friends and cannot afford the petrol costs nor the time, which you could be spending doing other heads and getting paid for it!

For many years, my mother would solve any personal dilemma by asking "what would so-and-so do if the situation was reversed?" Once you realise that they would be unlikely to lift a finger, you have your answer. It's hurtful though and I wish you good luck with resolving it.

sticher

Thanks for all your replies, they have helped me and I have realised that this has been a lifelong thing with our relationship.

Yes it is very hurtful to think that someone you care alot about doesn't return the same feelings. I think you are right paddy's mum - I will be a bit less at her beck and call and see if she even notices (or cares, lol) even though it will hurt me to be like this.

Thank you all for your time and help.

Welshlassie

I'm currently going through something similar with my sister and cut her out of my life back in January when I suddenly realised that she only every called me when she wanted something and generally wasn't a very nice person. I have found it incredibly difficult but perserved knowing that I am doing the right thing. If she wants to be involved in my life then she will have to make the effort and I have told her this in a letter (as she refused to speak to me face to face).

I find it very difficult sometimes, especially as I would like her to be around when I have my baby later this year, but as I don't like the person she is at the moment and I wouldn't want my children being bought up around such a selfish person I know I have made the right decision.

However hard the decision is you make, you just have to keep reminding yourself that you are doing it for the right reasons (even if the reason turns out to be wrong in the future, as long as you think it is right now then it is fine to go ahead with it). I have found the posters on this site so supportive as I was really struggling with the decision back in January and they made me realise that you have to do what is right for you at this time in your life.

Best of luck and keep your chin up however hard it is.

pinkshoes

Yes you are right melancholly. Maybe I will try and keep my distance and accept that she doesn't really want me in her life for anything other than what I can do for her.

How can you say this unless your sister has actually said this to your face?!?! Have you gone out with your sister (just the two of you) and told her all this? For all you know, she doesn't realise that you see her as a 'user', so is oblivious to how you feel, so don't go writing her off just yet! You said yourself you get on well together, so maybe this is just growing up and not doing everythign together any more?!

If her OH has a close family, then maybe she's under lots of pressure to join in their activities rather than going on holiday with you? maybe her OH has a crush on you so she doesn't want you going on hol with them?!

Maybe invite her round to your house to do her hair, and if she says she can't drive, then say you'll come and pick her up. TELL HER that you'd like her to come to your house, because it's been AGES since you two last had a good chat/gossip/fun there!!

snowmaid

I think your sister could either be jealous of you or threatened by you being single. Are you prettier? Thinner? Younger? Lots of women are threatened by single women, sometimes with good reason. Are you very friendly with your If there is something that she admires in you, she could well see this as a threat too.

Not saying that this is the reason, but maybe you should have a look at this angle?