First direct letter to birth mother

InsideInsurance

So, birth mother was a 15 year old girl who arranged my adoption prior to my birth and was vaguely known to a distant family member.

I only recently found out that she was known to any part of my family prior to her pregnancy etc and that she had been seen at least once some time after the adoption.

Wanting to make contact but not deal with my internal family politics I traced my birth mother myself but used Social Serv to make the initial contact. They posted a letter on Tuesday and yesterday (Wednesday) morning my birth mother called them.

All very positive, she has always wanted contact but didnt want to interfere, has other kids and a long term partner who all know of my existence and it appears she has had periodic updates from my relative as she already knew about key milestones from my life etc.

Social Services have said that having opened the door I should make contact soon either by letter or phone. I'd prefer letter initially as I am not sure what I'd say to her but I am stumped at how to approach the letter. I dont want it to become an auto-biography/ war and peace but not sure what sort of things to include/ exclude especially as she has known some things about me anyway - what doesnt help me is that my writing style is very "business like" most the time and dont want to come across to cold.

Any pointers on what to include would be great!

geri1965_2

I saw your thread title and thought you meant that First Direct (the bank) had written to your birth mother!

I don't have any advice but I wish you all the best.

There was a long thread on here by someone who traced their birth mother, hopefully someone will link to it as I'm sure it will have a lot of useful advice in it. Unfortunately I can't remember who it was by.

Mojisola

Why not send a card and a couple of photos and just put a very short message in the card. Either let the correspondence build up - a bit more information each time - or after a few contacts, arrange a face-to-face meeting.

fannyanna

geri1965 wrote: »

I saw your thread title and thought you meant that First Direct (the bank) had written to your birth mother!

I thought the same

Mojisola wrote: »

Why not send a card and a couple of photos and just put a very short message in the card. Either let the correspondence build up - a bit more information each time - or after a few contacts, arrange a face-to-face meeting.

This is a good idea.

Arthien

I think the thread geri1965 is referring to is called Birth Mother by seven-day-weekend if you want to search for it (sorry, can't post links yet).

Hopefully it will offer you some hope for how things could turn out for you, and good luck with your letter!

RAS

InsideInsurance wrote: »

I'd prefer letter initially as I am not sure what I'd say to her but I am stumped at how to approach the letter. I dont want it to become an auto-biography/ war and peace but not sure what sort of things to include/ exclude especially as she has known some things about me anyway - what doesnt help me is that my writing style is very "business like" most the time and dont want to come across to cold.

Any pointers on what to include would be great!

Start by telling her that (bold).

Also explain how you learned about her and that you know she has some contact with a distant family member?

Add some photos and ask for details of her later family? That gives her lots to use in her reply.

Maybe set up a special e-mail account if you want to chat on-line before meeting?

InsideInsurance

Arthien wrote: »

I think the thread geri1965 is reffering to is called Birth Mother by seven-day-weekend if you want to search for it (sorry, can't post links yet).

Hopefully it will offer you some hope for how things could turn out for you, and good luck with your letter!

Many thanks, I did look at the thread previously but most was talking about making first contact where as this isnt first contact as that was done by Social Services. So kind of more what to put into second contact

Mojisola

InsideInsurance wrote: »

All very positive, she has always wanted contact but didnt want to interfere, has other kids and a long term partner who all know of my existence and it appears she has had periodic updates from my relative as she already knew about key milestones from my life etc.

These are really positive points - you are, in a way, already part of the family albeit an absent one up to now.

InsideInsurance

Mojisola wrote: »

These are really positive points - you are, in a way, already part of the family albeit an absent one up to now.

Which I think is what is making knowing what to say more difficult. She knows a moderate amount about me but I know little about her. She is my mother and yet a stranger etc

Mojisola

InsideInsurance wrote: »

Which I think is what is making knowing what to say more difficult. She knows a moderate amount about me but I know little about her. She is my mother and yet a stranger etc

RAS wrote: »

Start by telling her that (bold).

Also explain how you learned about her and that you know she has some contact with a distant family member?

Add some photos and ask for details of her later family? That gives her lots to use in her reply.

Maybe set up a special e-mail account if you want to chat on-line before meeting?

In that case, RAS has given good advice.

InsideInsurance

RAS wrote: »

Also explain how you learned about her and that you know she has some contact with a distant family member?

Add some photos and ask for details of her later family? That gives her lots to use in her reply.

Maybe set up a special e-mail account if you want to chat on-line before meeting?

Unfortunately she doesnt use email, or more accurately told the SS that she had just gotten rid of the internet at home.

What I want to know from her I have a much clearer idea on. Desktop research had covered off the majority of the big items such that she was never married but long term partner, has other kids and had even managed to stumble across her current work. Still want to know more and see photos etc especially as she has previously been given photos of me and says she sees a strong family resemblance

The SS already told her that I had found out about her via my relative and that I knew my relative had had some contact with her but that I hadnt been aware how long ago that was. Her reply was that she last spoke to her a couple of months ago.

At the moment my draft is looking like a questionnaire with just an initial paragraph saying I am glad she responded quickly and that I dont know what to say. Perhaps that is acceptable though and leave it open for her to ask the questions she wants to. The SS had already said I had a happy childhood/ upbringing etc but dont know if thats the sort of thing I should restate or leave her to ask etc