Wedding Etiquette?

notanewuser

lazer wrote: »

PS - notanewusernotanewuser people wore jeans to the evening do at our wedding, but I have no problem with that at all, i didn't care what people wore as long as they were happy

I didn't mind that. These guests were there all day though, and really stand out in the wedding pics!!

lazer

notanewuser wrote: »

I didn't mind that. These guests were there all day though, and really stand out in the wedding pics!!

I couldn't even tell you what people wore to ours - might check through the photos to see if there are any jeans.

lisajane8482

No to all of them.

I know most of OH guests and he knows all of mine. I don't think I would expect someone I don't know to introduce themselves to me I would however hope that OH would do it (I'll make sure I point this out to him lol).

If anyone turns up to our wedding uninvited (and we expect a couple) they will be turned away. I won't be happy if a guest turns up with a +1 when the invite doesn't include one, especially since we haven't included +1's for some people because we know they'll bring someone we don't like (not partners just friends).

LEJC

Personally the answer to all those questions would most certainly be no...

However playing dexils advocate here a little I can see why some people would make assumptions although I'm not justifying their actions.
Workmates are notorious for "making the plus 1" assumption in my experience...and the other way round they also can offend the patner of the invited by not including them...over the years we have had countless invites to evening receptions which we've stmbled through because its just in my husbands name or my name and makes no mention of the other or indeed whether children are invited...so I guess its a bit of a minefield both from the point of view of the person issuing the invite and the person accepting it.
The fact as well that it was probably over a bank holiday weekend and the weather was nice added to the fact that maybe people though it more acceptable bringing their plus 1 without checking first.

I wouldn't intentionally not introduce myself ...but I also wouldnt make a point of rushing up to the bride to make myself known especially if I didnt know them...again a bit of a delicate one,in some ways I think its nice that the bride and groom work round the room...we certainly did at our reception...and whilst we didnt have in depth conversations with everyone I think we did acknowledge most people there.

Turn up without a card....Again i wouldnt ....but thats just me..i love cards but I also appreciate that not everyone thinks of them nowadays.

The gift one is another slightly contentious thing I thinkand again one that I would always turn up with something but actually after reading some of the threads on here kind of feel why I'm beginning to think its more acceptable not to arrive with a gift,moreso for an evening reception than daytime.
If there is a gift list I like to choose something from there,if not i'll usually pop a voucher in a card or possibly wrap a bottle of champagne or nice bottle of wine,I'm not a fan of money but in desperation I would,or if I knew that was what was really wanted!
I have over the years read time and again on these threads some brides saying thing like "i dont want a gift" or "why did someone buy me something i didnt ask for"...and its that type of comment maybe thats making me think that actually times are changing and its not expected that you give something if invited to an evening reception....but its down to personal feelings I guess...and if perhaps you have suggested that there isn't anything specific you want in way of presents then you shouldnt be offended or upset if some of your guests choose to not give a gift

Again I totally understand your flustrations over the food issue and taking the sweets,I think I'd feel the same but the reality of it probably was that no one went without food as a result of those who loaded their plates and pockets etc so you just have to look at it that you provided a "good spread"that by the end of the night had served its purpose...its possible that if no one had taken a single sweet cone you would have also been dissapointed...its probably more to do with the way in which they were taken rather than that they were.

And actually I probably am guilty of leaving at least one reception without saying goodbye...but then again I am that person who who has always sent a thank you card to the bride and groom afterwards,and on occaision if the brides mother has been involved in the wedding prep one to her too...but as I said earlier thats me ...and I love a card!

Dont let small things manifest into larger ones...youve had a lovely wedding day,amazing honeymoon,shared an evening of celebration with a wider circle of people and now its time to reflect on the happy memories the time has produced.

jtr2803

Thank you all very much for your comments, because obviously it was my wedding reception I am aware it can be easy to take things really personally when perhaps they weren't intended that way so it's always nice to have anothers point of view (especially LEJC, I appreciate your input).

I thought it might be better for me to expand on a few bits just to make it a little clearer!

Most of the 'offenders' were actually my other halfs friends, the work mates of his that attended all came to congratulate me/say hello, even the couple that I hadn't met before which was lovely. The others we actually gave a plus one to, but when they RSVP'd at the end of March they said they didn't have guests but then 3 of them brought plus ones without us knowing in advance and they never introduced us either (my husband hasn't even met them before!). One couple we know didn't even acknowledge me the entire night and another friend of my OH didn't speak to me at all, not even a wave.or a hi, yet they all helped theirselves to drinks/food etc! We also had a very unusual reception in that we got married a month ago and have been on honeymoon between then and now. We also didn't have the big disco/party, we had a private dining room at a village pub without a disco, just background music and flowers, cakes, buffet etc because we wanted to catch up with people so it made the unknown +1's easier to spot!!

Fortunately there was enough food to go around which I am really glad about!

I think the people I am most disappointed with is the best man and his girlfriend for a number of reasons but he is my husbands oldest friend and he feels completely let down which upsets me.

I think I find it hard to comprehend because I was brought up to always be respectful and I guess I expect everyone else to be like me and it saddens me that they aren't. I would never dream of going to a wedding without a gift of some sort, let alone at least a card and I also would congratulate the couple, even if I didn't know one/both of them and just couldn't even consider arriving with a +1 unless they were specificaly invited.

My OH and I often joke about why my socal circle is very small and it's for reasons like this! However, I know you are all right and whilst it's annoying, we still had a fantastic time on both days and I won't let it get the better of me!

eleanor73

jtr2803 wrote: »

Having had a discussion with my other half today following our reception last night it seems that we both have very different ideas of what is/isn't appropriate at a wedding and I am really interested to hear if I am just old fashion, if it's man/woman thing, or we just know lots of rude people :rotfl:

1) Would you RSVP just for yourself and then turn up with a +1 without asking if this was ok prior to the event?
2) Would you spend the entire evening at the event without even saying hello to the bride or introducing your unknown +1?
3) Would you go to a reception without even a card?
4) Would you go to a wedding, with not even a token gift, have a free drink on the B&G, sit outside in the smoking area all night only visiting the room when the buffet appeared before helping yourself to cupcakes and then stuffing your pockets with sweet cones before leaving without saying goodbye?

Maybe it's me but I just couldn't imagine doing any of those! Yet, each single scenario happened last night, mostly with my OHs mates. At one point I was staring at a group of girls who were helping themselves to our main course buffet and I didn't have a single clue who they were. I feel really shocked and let down by their behaviour to be frank......

On the other hand my other half doesn't quite get why I was so surprised, he thought most of those were fairly 'normal' :eek: If he is right and I am wrong then my life might be about to get a lot cheaper!!

No they are unbelievably rude. Although the person you (or he) know(s) should have done the introducing.

Congratulations by the way!

Thriftygifty

jtr2803 wrote: »

Thank you all very much for your comments, because obviously it was my wedding reception I am aware it can be easy to take things really personally when perhaps they weren't intended that way so it's always nice to have anothers point of view (especially LEJC, I appreciate your input).

I thought it might be better for me to expand on a few bits just to make it a little clearer!

Most of the 'offenders' were actually my other halfs friends, the work mates of his that attended all came to congratulate me/say hello, even the couple that I hadn't met before which was lovely. The others we actually gave a plus one to, but when they RSVP'd at the end of March they said they didn't have guests but then 3 of them brought plus ones without us knowing in advance and they never introduced us either (my husband hasn't even met them before!). One couple we know didn't even acknowledge me the entire night and another friend of my OH didn't speak to me at all, not even a wave.or a hi, yet they all helped theirselves to drinks/food etc! We also had a very unusual reception in that we got married a month ago and have been on honeymoon between then and now. We also didn't have the big disco/party, we had a private dining room at a village pub without a disco, just background music and flowers, cakes, buffet etc because we wanted to catch up with people so it made the unknown +1's easier to spot!!

Fortunately there was enough food to go around which I am really glad about!

I think the people I am most disappointed with is the best man and his girlfriend for a number of reasons but he is my husbands oldest friend and he feels completely let down which upsets me.

I think I find it hard to comprehend because I was brought up to always be respectful and I guess I expect everyone else to be like me and it saddens me that they aren't. I would never dream of going to a wedding without a gift of some sort, let alone at least a card and I also would congratulate the couple, even if I didn't know one/both of them and just couldn't even consider arriving with a +1 unless they were specificaly invited.

My OH and I often joke about why my socal circle is very small and it's for reasons like this! However, I know you are all right and whilst it's annoying, we still had a fantastic time on both days and I won't let it get the better of me!

Urgh I have the same problem as you with my OH's so called friends it infuriates me that he makes excuses for their behaviour like it is normal when to be quite frank it's awful at times!! :mad:

We are getting married in a few weeks time and we've decided not to invite one of his oldest friends as partly because he and I dont get on and also because this friend thinks he can just pick OH up when he feels like it and then not see him for months on end. And you would think with certain members of "the circle" of friends of OH that I am the most evil person on the planet for not inviting this guy even though it was a joint decision. I know for a fact that this person would attend and do everything that is on you list plus more! I have nightmares about him gatecrashing! I also feel like certain circle members are now coming as spys rather than guests which is a horrible feeling.

Just keep in mind that you have manners and those people have none and wont get very far without any as at their weddings they will have people do the same to them if thats how they behave!

Dekazer

jtr2803 wrote: »

1) Would you RSVP just for yourself and then turn up with a +1 without asking if this was ok prior to the event?
2) Would you spend the entire evening at the event without even saying hello to the bride or introducing your unknown +1?
3) Would you go to a reception without even a card?
4) Would you go to a wedding, with not even a token gift, have a free drink on the B&G, sit outside in the smoking area all night only visiting the room when the buffet appeared before helping yourself to cupcakes and then stuffing your pockets with sweet cones before leaving without saying goodbye?

I hope you thoroughly enjoyed the day! Don't let it get you down

In all honesty, I think I have done 3 and 4 myself at one or two weddings! Weddings aren't all about acquiring cards and gifts - they're about sharing your happiness with other people, and hosting a party for them. It's lovely to get a card or a gift, but it's not a compulsory payment for the invitation! As for sitting in the smoking area - sometimes that's where the most fun is going on, and surely what you really want is for your guests to have enjoyed themselves?

As for number 1, well it's tricky. In some circles, plus ones are more normal, especially for evening invitations, where there isn't a sit down meal. Younger guests and those who have never organised such a big event probably don't think through issues like venue capacity, catering, costs per head etc. Don't be too harsh on them.

And number 2, well sometimes it can feel a bit hard to say hello. Some couples I've seen at their weddings have been so preoccupied with the whole thing that they barely spoke to anyone for long, and many times I've felt that my presence probably wasn't even noticed! I don't suppose you wanted to spend your wedding day chatting to strangers, so don't sweat it.

What I really mean to say is, I hope you had an awesome day and really, really, don't let these tiny little things cloud your memories of it!

74jax

I went to the wedding of a very very close friend last year.

During the day whilst waiting to be seated I waited in the bar part. My friend's future husband came in and asked everyone specifically what they would like to drink and blanked me.

On the night time the bride and groom went round every single table and said hello etc. our table (5 friends and partners) was left out completely. We all went up to speak to our friend and she was lovely when we went up to her.

She blanked us all for the rest of the night. When we left we took our present to her, she didn't achnowledge us and did some kind of handwave pointing to the table for presents. We then all left.

We all met up the week after, not one thank you was uttered, despite it being the ideal time to thank us all together. A month later I asked if she liked the present as we hadn't had a thank you - she posted (I live next door) a thank you card to me, and only me. The other 4 are still waiting for a thank you 1 year later.......

I totally appreciate this is the complete reversal to you, but I was utterly gobsmacked at how she and her new husband behaved.

There's nowt as strange as folk....

bonkers007

) Would you RSVP just for yourself and then turn up with a +1 without asking if this was ok prior to the event?

certainly not - id either ask to bring a +1, or id come by my self (people seem to be saying that to me recently... they dont realise that it messes numbers up which then adds on money...!! lol)

2) Would you spend the entire evening at the event without even saying hello to the bride or introducing your unknown +1?

Again no - out of respect you would introduce each other ( as a bride i would want to know everyone attending - at the end of the day im paying for it so it makes sense to me!)

3) Would you go to a reception without even a card?

Again no - thats just plain rude!

4) Would you go to a wedding, with not even a token gift, have a free drink on the B&G, sit outside in the smoking area all night only visiting the room when the buffet appeared before helping yourself to cupcakes and then stuffing your pockets with sweet cones before leaving without saying goodbye?

i would have kicked them out by now - might sound rude but people have no respect and dotn realise the costs, time and effort put in, they just see food!

I think guys (IMO) are too laid back and dont see what is always right and wrong and see the situation in the whole... but i hope you had a lovely day regardless!!