Ex applying for a contact order with our daughter.

Ravengirl

Hi

I just wanted to ask some advice on a contact order issue. My ex moved out in 2003 and has had contact with our now 5 year old daughter since then, most of the time giving me only 1 days notice when he wanted her, which most of the time I have agreed to unless we had plans. He started having overnight contact with her last april and has had her stay over about 10 times since then (which she really hates and cries when I tell her she has to go).

About a month ago his new girlfriend moved in and a week after this I get a letter from a solicitor saying he wants a proper contact order sorted out. I replied through a solicitor with my proposals. He is proposing every other weekend, which I don't agree with as he only has 1 weekend off a month as he works shifts and he also plays and umpires sports every weekend and I don't think he new girlfriend should be looking after my daughter, the contact should be with her dad. I have proposed 1 weekend a month with a view to increasing this over time but he is refusing this. He wants every other birthday and christmas which is fine. He also wants her for 2 weeks during the summer holidays. I have said no to this as I think going from only 10 one night stays in over a year to 14 night all at once is too much too soon. I have said that he can have her for a long weekend this summer with a view to increasing this over the years as she gets older but he is refusing this too.

Sorry to rattle on but this is really worrying me and I don't want this to affect my daughter. I want to avoid the courts if I can but I'm not going to just give in to his demands when it's not right for my daughter. I can't understand why he has waited nearly 4 years to apply for this, only that now he has a live in girlfriend he also has a live in babysitter.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in refusing some of his proposals? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Many thanks in advance

pinkshoes

I want to avoid the courts if I can but I'm not going to just give in to his demands when it's not right for my daughter

That's your opinion that it's not right for your daughter, but he probably feels it's right that she gets to know her dad...

2 weeks in the summer is quite a bit step, but i think maybe let her go for a week, on the condition that he takes that week off work as holiday, and that she can phone you during the week.

Does she know his girlfriend? So long as the time is going to be spent with HIM, adn not with a stranger, I think it's good that he's taking an interest in his daughter's life, which is often what's best for a child.

The two of you made the decision to have a child together, so it's only fair that he gets to spend time with her too.

taggiesgirl

I have sent you a message

hobo28

Ravengirl wrote: »

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in refusing some of his proposals? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Overall I don't think you are being unreasonable. Since he doesn't have much contact at the moment then it should be built up. Especially given your daughter's age. That said, your duty as a parent is to facilitate a decent relationship with her father. Not at all costs obviously but it does involve give & take.

The question I have is how happy has your ex been with this current arrangement? It may have worked for you but he may have felt he had no choice and was trying to keep the peace. Or is his apparent change of stance soley because he wants to impress his new woman?

In principle I think what he is asking for is fair in the long run but he should accept things should be built up rather than a big bang.

thesaint

It seems that your ex wasn't happy with the current contact arrangements.

I would not get involved in stating your opinion about the new girlfriend and what part she may or may not play in your daughters life. Stipulating her not babysitting etc is not going to work and makes you seem jealous in the eyes of others.

Why not start giving him what you propose now, and see how it goes, if it doesn't work, you have good reason to change it and state your reasons if it were to progress to court.

I think two weeks away is probably too much, but what about offering something more concrete than a 'long weekend in the summer, with a view...'?

Finally, beware of people sending you private mesages, have a read of their past posts to get an idea of where they are approaching this subject from.

Shineyhappy

Two weeks in one long go does seem a bit much, maybe suggest a couple of 3 or 4 day weekends?

Have you tried to explain to him that it is your daughter being nervous that is the issue and not a grudge you have against him? She is very young and they should slowly estabilish their relationship.

Maybe suggest he takes her out after school one night a week for dinner or swimming or something? If you suggest something that benefits him that he has suggested it would look better when you are saying no to his suggestions.

Broken_hearted

Getting contact fully sorted may in the long run benefit all of you. As for the girlfriend that is nothing do do with you.

taggiesgirl

''Finally, beware of people sending you private mesages, have a read of their past posts to get an idea of where they are approaching this subject from''

This was aimed at me!! I'm only trying to help and offer my advise based on my experience,because of people like you i felt that i couldnt share my thoughts.
I mean you are such an expert in this field so come on then back up what you say: Are you a mum? that has been left with nothing,no money,and had her partner walk out on her and her children??
or Are you the 'hard done by dad' who done nothing wrong and could never do anything wrong???

By your user name 'thesaint' which i am sure you are not! my bets on you are the dad!!!

hobo28

taggiesgirl wrote: »

''Finally, beware of people sending you private mesages, have a read of their past posts to get an idea of where they are approaching this subject from''

This was aimed at me!! I'm only trying to help and offer my advise based on my experience,because of people like you i felt that i couldnt share my thoughts.
I mean you are such an expert in this field so come on then back up what you say: Are you a mum? that has been left with nothing,no money,and had her partner walk out on her and her children??
or Are you the 'hard done by dad' who done nothing wrong and could never do anything wrong???

By your user name 'thesaint' which i am sure you are not! my bets on you are the dad!!!

Sorry I didn't find anything wrong or offensive with what thesaint said and although I don't always agree with what he says, I found his tip useful. It helps remind people that there are two sides to every story.

I believe that in a forum such as this that if you feel that your opinion is fair and reasonable then there should be no reason why it cannot be shared publically rather than in private. The fact you've chosen to send a private message makes it seem suspicious even though I'm sure it was not your intention.

MXW

Ravengirl wrote: »

Hi

I just wanted to ask some advice on a contact order issue. My ex moved out in 2003 and has had contact with our now 5 year old daughter since then, most of the time giving me only 1 days notice when he wanted her, which most of the time I have agreed to unless we had plans. He started having overnight contact with her last april and has had her stay over about 10 times since then (which she really hates and cries when I tell her she has to go).

About a month ago his new girlfriend moved in and a week after this I get a letter from a solicitor saying he wants a proper contact order sorted out. I replied through a solicitor with my proposals. He is proposing every other weekend, which I don't agree with as he only has 1 weekend off a month as he works shifts and he also plays and umpires sports every weekend and I don't think he new girlfriend should be looking after my daughter, the contact should be with her dad. I have proposed 1 weekend a month with a view to increasing this over time but he is refusing this. He wants every other birthday and christmas which is fine. He also wants her for 2 weeks during the summer holidays. I have said no to this as I think going from only 10 one night stays in over a year to 14 night all at once is too much too soon. I have said that he can have her for a long weekend this summer with a view to increasing this over the years as she gets older but he is refusing this too.

Sorry to rattle on but this is really worrying me and I don't want this to affect my daughter. I want to avoid the courts if I can but I'm not going to just give in to his demands when it's not right for my daughter. I can't understand why he has waited nearly 4 years to apply for this, only that now he has a live in girlfriend he also has a live in babysitter.

Do you think I'm being unreasonable in refusing some of his proposals? Any advice would be very much appreciated.

Many thanks in advance

I don't think you are being unreasonable, your ex has gone from spending very little time with your daughter to wanting regular contact, which is fine, however in my opinion she should build up the contact gradually, if he loves his daughter then surely he will see it is in the best interests of your daughter. If you can't agree then it will end up in court and you will probably have a cafcass report, I can't see a cafcass officer agreeing to 2 weeks contact with your daughter when the previous contact has been only 10 nights in a year, again the contact should be a gradual thing. As for your comments with respect to the girlfriend, I can understand your concern. If he had contact every other weekend, and you say he works for one of them, I wouldn't like to think I was leaving my daughter in the care of someone i didn't know (assuming that this is the case) also if the relationship is only a casual one, what would happen if they split up, who would take care of your daughter then? Contact should be encouraged, but at a gradual pace.

Good luck

thesaint

taggiesgirl wrote: »

''Finally, beware of people sending you private mesages, have a read of their past posts to get an idea of where they are approaching this subject from''

This was aimed at me!! I'm only trying to help and offer my advise based on my experience,because of people like you i felt that i couldnt share my thoughts.
I mean you are such an expert in this field so come on then back up what you say: Are you a mum? that has been left with nothing,no money,and had her partner walk out on her and her children??
or Are you the 'hard done by dad' who done nothing wrong and could never do anything wrong???

By your user name 'thesaint' which i am sure you are not! my bets on you are the dad!!!

We are all offering advice, largely based on experience.

The reason I added the last paragraph is because you are very angry, and it is evident in this post.
If you offered well reasoned and rational advice in your private message that was not biased against the father in this case, I apologise.

The OP has made no mention of her ex leaving her with nothing, no money and walking out on her and their child. If she confirms this, then I shall advise accordingly.