how to leave

paulineb_2

I actually know what its like to live with domestic violence and its complicated. People get locked into a cycle of abuse and therefore it can take some time for people who are abused to realise that their relationship is not a normal relationship

And maybe you have been used as a bin for her negative emotions, but surely thats what friends are for. Theres no magic wand and of course his behaviour will dominate her world, I dont suppose theres much happiness in her life

As for her OCD, its not just affecting her life, its going to affect her childs as well, particularly if she refuses to leave a toxic relationship because she doesnt want to be in unfamiliar places

Youve done what you can, if you cant listen to her, then you need to distance yourself from her for a while.

ValHaller

justme111 wrote: »

If I listen and just sigh "ah poor you " I feel as if I been used as a bin for negative emotions. If I start talking how it can be changed she gets annoyed at me and says its her life .

You need to agree with her that it is her life and say you are not prepared to be the bin for negative emotions - she must accept the consequences of all of her decisions and not impose them on you. But when and if she decides to move on from her husband, you will be there to help, once more and once only.

Mojisola

justme111 wrote: »

It's tricky re support. I am not sure it is right for me to listen silently to her complaining about lack of sleep or back pain due to her daughter constantly wanting to be carried around or her husband shouting at her. Because all those are results of her choices.

It's just that I can not listen to her complaining about what I see as consequences of her choices.

It is very tricky trying to help someone in her position. It can be that having someone to moan to relieves the pressure enough for her to stay in the bad situation.

It sounds like tough love time - as ValHaller says, tell her you'll be there to support her when she decides to leave him.

Until then, it's her life and her choice and she has to accept the consequences.

I feel very sorry for the daughter. If she doesn't need years of therapy to get over growing up with an abusive father and an OCD mother, she'll be a very remarkable person.

pebbles88

Hello, nothing else to add that hasn't all been covered.

I can appreciate how hard it is too watch someone you care for stay in a relationship where they're is abuse going on. My sister has done it for nearly 20 yrs..... I've been called at 2am when he's hit her & I've flown round there & stood up to him (I'm 13 yrs younger than my sister by the way). He constantly subjects her to mental abuse as well, but she won't leave.... Money is her god, shed rather put up with that than leave their house as its half hers....

I've felt sick with worry, felt stupid for helping only for her to go bk etc etc. always said I'd not help again, guess I'm too soft though
It's hard to be looking in on these situations. You're a good friend :A

Eta: what/how does she cook to use that many pots? How old is her daughter?

justme111

I would not class my friend as suffering with ocd , I am not a doctor to give.diagnoses. she makes perfect sense to me wh en she says she tries to avoid unnecessary risks to her daughter (she is 2). I just keep a watchful eye that I do not facilitate it putting my time and resources to compensate for my friend having no time due to bottle cleaning for example. So if she choses to spend her time whichever way she does and think highly of herself for having a 3course meal done for a little one and sterile environment I am not going to do internet searches for her or bend my life to see her when it is convenient to her because my daughter can go to bed at 1 am, eat spaghetti hoops from the can and have her hair not brushed .

paulineb_2

The reason I mentioned OCD was because it was used in the first paragraph, I agree you arent a doctor, but spending all that time making meals for a 2 year old kid, shed be better giving the kid beans on toast and using her energy to get away from her horrible partner.

justme111

Absolutely agree. It is her life , her choices though.
I pondered on your remark what are friends for if not to vent to ones frustrations. I agree , although when venting becomes main topic of every interaction and no answer other than "poor you , it is difficult with kids , it will get better once they grow up" is welcome then friendship is too one sided. If I know me and my.friend don't agree on a particular subject I am not going to be bringing that subject.up again and again, I will talk about something else.

paulineb_2

I agree, but someone who is living in a controlling abusive relationship isnt having a normal life so to speak

My mum has a friend who is almost a year out of a long abusive relationship, his first marriage was also abusive and the girl has had a very difficult year and theres a lot to be resolved

And no, I dont suppose its much fun when you feel that theres a lot of negativity in the friendship

But sometimes life is negative, thats reality. And everyones lightbulb moment of, I need to get out and I need to get out now is different.

Some people might take years, others sooner.

You can still be there for someone at a distance if you need to be.