how to leave

justme111

I have a friend , she is married , does not work , has a 2yo daughter , lives with her husband in a mortgaged apartment , he is self employed, well payed but temporary contract jobs , I guess good equity in expensive apartment and other property in another city. She would like to leave him and from what she described I'd class what is happening in thwir house as an abuse - when the daughter was just a baby and she been severely sleep deprived he could wake her up shouting she has not turned the light off , calling her stupid cow ,f...ing useless etc denying her access to hers/child's passport , some bruises on her arms, no access to money - she uses as a pocket money what her mum sends her etc. I do not want to do a leg work for her in enquiring all the ins and outs of how and where to move and what support she could count on. Still I feel for her. Anybody has an idea whether she could receive housing benefit if she rents privately ? She says she would not qualify as her name is on the mortgage so she woyld be told to sell the apartment . If you can imagine it can take awhile to do and staying under the same roof with a guy who will not be a happy bunny about divorce and selling it would be awfull. Any ideas ?

Mojisola

https://www.womensaid.org.uk/ has all the information she needs.

justme111

Had a quick look - it looks like she would have to go into emergency accommodation and apply for either permanent accommodation or for a restriction order on her husband to be able to return. No way she will go into emergency accommodation with a child , she is very ocd on sanitary conditions , cooks that child 3 course meals using 200 little pots and stil sterilized them.

msb5262

Could your friend and the little one come to you in the short term?

justme111

Yes I offered but what would happen after ?

Hiddenidenity

She needs to contact womans aid.

The support they give is amazing! Having been where she is myself not long ago, calling them is the best thing she can do. Dont link her the womans aid website unless you can 100% know her partner wont look at her message/internet history.

It's lovely she has a friend like you to turn too

justme111

Thank you for the complent, I do not feel I am much of use though. I do not think she is in a mental and.emotional position to make.sense of enquiries she tried to do and I myself not going to do it for her. Will mention woman's aid.

Hiddenidenity

She doesn't need to make any enquiries with anyone, if she phones womans aid they will explain everything, help with everything one step at a time. The first priority is her and her child get out of the situation and are safe. They will help with the things that need to happen next.

As for feeling not much use, trust me just to have been able to turn to you show's how much you mean to her, just having someone to listen and try to help means so much.

Womans aid will help with the emotional/mental state of things as much as they can too. I can't praise them enough for the help I received and I'm sure she would too x

justme111

Just in case anyone remembers this thread - an update.
My friend moved out with another friend for the whole week. Then she been charmed back by her husband who was behaving exemplary during that week , begged her to come back and by having to wash zillion of pots she uses to cook and store food for her daughter without dishwasher what caused her sleep deprivation. Besides friends house was not child proof and she did not want to start divorce proceeding duels to property needing to be sold in a process of settlement which she sees as a waste . Next time when she moves out she can call a taxi as I feel stupid for driving her , to make the matters worse on that day they closed the road to mine so I had to take a diversion which made me and my 8 to daughter who was with me as I could not leave.her with anybody else get home at 1 am .

paulineb_2

If she wont go into emergency accommodation and she might not be offered it anyway because it will be on a needs basis, ie other people might have greater need and they will be short of spaces then shes going to have to look at other alternatives, get legal advice. Oh and get some counselling for her OCD, whatever is causing it. Sorry, but making a meal for your kid and using 200 pots is not healthy, for her and for that child growing up in that environment

Also, its very easy looking on the outside and feeling that someone should leave, if someone has been ground down by years of abuse it can take several attempts for someone to actually get out.

All you can do is be there and support her when she needs it.

justme111

It's tricky re support. I am not sure it is right for me to listen silently to her complaining about lack of sleep or back pain due to her daughter constantly wanting to be carried around or her husband shouting at her. Because all those are results of her choices. If I listen and just sigh "ah poor you " I feel as if I been used as a bin for negative emotions. If I start talking how it can be changed she gets annoyed at me and says its her life . Imagine if you listened to a smoker who day in day out complains about his cough , would you be able to just listen and sympathetically nod ? Trying to avoid these topics does not work either as the issues of her daughter's eating.patterns and her husbands shouting patterns dominate her world that's what she talks about. Re ocd - she is adamant its her life and that's it is utterly inappropriate to try to tell her how to live it with which i basically agree with , who am I to tell what's right . It's just that I can not listen to her complaining about what I see as consequences of her choices.