Feeling so down!

20-

This could be a long post, so apologies in advance, but I just need to get all of my thoughts out! I'm a longtime member (who doesn't post that often) but I've created this ID as some family members know my 'actual' ID.
So I'm 20, turn 21 in just a few months time. Been with my partner since age of 16, we couldn't be happier together. It's just everything else. My OH and I were friends before we got together, and we and other people (including my best friend) always used to have nights out, days out...basically we all did everything together.

This carried on when my OH and I began our relationship, for about 8-10 months, then everything changed. Without me realising, my 'friends' disappeared. They stopped spending time with me. I invited them to places, but they ignored me or made excuses. Because I only had my OH to turn to when everything happened, I spent all of my time with him. As we had the same friend group, when my friends disappeared, so did his. If I'd have pushed them away by spending time with my OH instead of them I'd understand, but I didn't. We were all friends before, carried on exactly the same afterwards, just with me and my OH as a couple.

The thing is though, he always has had one (male) close friend who he spends time with, which I'm happy about. It's just recently upset me because I've realised, outside of our relationship, I have no-one. Now I know sometimes, people change, so friendships end. But it takes a while for me to feel comfortable with other people, so I don't make friends easily. Even from work and uni, I feel as though I have 'aquaintances', not friends. I can't help but think I'm slightly pathetic, having no-one but my OH at the age of 20.

I contacted my 'best friend' about 8 months ago, we met up for a chat, but it was awkward. We ended it saying we'd get in touch, but neither of us have. Which I know is my fault but I cannot go through that awkwardness again!

Just needed to get everything out before I go round the bend.

victory

Are your friends on FB? Could you just tentively try to see how the land lies and message them, in a very upbeat, happy way see if there is still any friendship left?

thehappybutterfly

You're only 20 20- - I didn't have any friends at that age. Girls hated me for some reason . Admittedly I was all about my boyfriend at the time but it wasn't until I got a bit older and more comfortable with myself that I made some friends.

And groups of friends do drift apart. People start jobs, change jobs, have kids, get married etc etc and their priorities change.
If your group of friends are all single, could they feel awkward around the lovey-dovey couple? Maybe they feel that the activities etc they organise are more suited to singles? Maybe they feel that you've grown up quicker than any of them and just don't have anything in common any more.

You could start by maintaining contact on fb etc (not that I'm a fan but then I do have a son your age!). This might make you feel more part of the group again. Show an interest in what they're doing even if it's not necessarily something that floats your boat.

It might just be time for you and your bf to make new friends, maybe with other young couples from work or uni.

And you're not pathetic at all!

meritaten

I think this is strange - and I think there is a clue in OP saying that both her and her OHs friends drifted away. it may have suited her OH to have her friends isolated. and if he had no other friends other than hers - how can I put this? - he may have wanted her all to himself?

Netwizard

I see it from the other side of the OP. I'm single, yet all my friends have partners or married.

Friendships do drift off. I have a mate who I have known all through school. We stuck up for each other, because we both got bullied badly. However, about 2 years ago, he got married, and now has 2 kids also. His mrs keeps him pretty well under the thumb, so I pretty much gave up after that.

I have a female work mate who I have known years. I go round her house quite often for a drink and takeaway. I'm happy enough to crash on the sofa, and have done for years. She's had a BF for about a year now (luckily he's one of my friends too!) so we all get along well. I do occasionally feel like I might be intruding on "their time", but we all like getting together for a drink so its all good.

Its nice to have a few good friends, but I guess its just life that people will head off and do different things.

I can count on one hand the amount of friends I have that I can rely on.

jenhug

I was going to say exactly the same thing as meritaten. I would ask the friends what their reasons are.

aileth

I am in a similar situation. At the start with my 'friends', we met up all the time, went on nights on, but slowly over the years my 'friends' expected me to contact them to go out (never messaging me) and always turned up late (which I find so disrespectful) or cancelled while I was stood waiting for them. I stopped contacting them as it wasn't worth the aggro, and if they weren't bothered with me then I wasn't bothered about them.

Now I have one good friend who I maybe see once or twice a month and my OH and I wouldn't want to go back to the 'friends' again. It's not pathetic in the slightest. What I think is pathetic is 'friends' who will drop you and pick you up when it suits them.

vanessav

From what I remember about being 19 or 20, socializing was a bit hormonally charged. Lots of anticipation and interest about who was interested in who and lots of precarious relationships. Your peers may think of you as 'settled down', which can exclude you from the tribe a bit. I met my husband when we were both 20 and it can sometimes set you apart from the 'free agents'. As you get older, it becomes the more norm to be in a serious relationship.
Try not to worry, the friendships will come. If you strike up conversations with people, some will lead to friendship and some will lead nowhere! That is life! You don't mention if you work or not. Almost all of my friendships were made in the workplace. We were all together a lot, so friendships happened organically without the difficulties of trying to 'make friends'. Getting a job somewhere large is always a help.

Robin_TBW

I'm in a similar position with the lack of friends and I'm almost 26. Depressing.

katie1812

I don't think it's sad or pathetic at all. I think it's more normal than you realise! I'm 23 and to be honest could count my friends on one hand, and I only see one of them on a regular basis.
I think you should do what others have said.. If they are online, or I guess even if they are not, send them a message, say how you're feeling, that you miss what you used to have and could really do with getting out and having a social life again. If an old friends messaged me that I would offer my time immediately.
Good luck

sally24_2

As a fifty something lady, I have found that friendship groups come and go during life, so it's nothing to feel bad about. It's just people change and no longer have much in common, that's especially true around the early 20 mark. At that time, when I was newly married and moved to a new place, I had no friends. I joined a charity fundraising organisation and got stuck into helping with events and met so many good people. It was such a great experience, with social meetings and community activities that opened up a whole new life for me, which included my husband as well. I am still in touch with some of these people.
Why not find out about community activities in your area. That way, you can make friends naturally from a wide variety of people whilst doing something worthwhile.
Forget Facebook, get out into the real world with real people!