To buy or not to buy as a newly together, unmarried couple

Kynthia

R_P_W wrote: »

What does marriage have to do with it?

I know plenty of people who are not married who have joint property ownership.

Whether doing it after being together for a few months and having not lived together before is a good idea should be the question.

It's not necessarily about actually being married. I believe it's about couples who aren't ready for that level of commitment to each other, whether or not they chose to have the ceremony, taking on a 25 year joint debt. This debt is aligned to the most expensive asset they'll ever own and it can decrease in value. I think it's crazy and this forum is littered with the problems it causes.

Kayalana99

ivanap wrote: »

Thanks for the comments and input so far, much appreciated. I think renting together to see how that pans out, before committing to buying would be my preferred route. And at the same time we'll be saving for a deposit for a future mortgage together. If after a year or so, it doesn't work out, we have both saved a fair bit and can then make own arrangements about buying property, etc. No-one's out of pocket.

My last paragraph's not meant to be biased....he has his dreams and I have my dreams and hopefully these will fuse well for our future together, as well as protect both our financial interests and potential to borrow, etc. in the future. His dream of buying a property currently rests on money he doesn't have (the money from his father will be declared as a gift, but it's a loan), so I am concerned that potentially him buying too early and with little savings, could impact our ability to borrow together in the future...and yes if he buys on his own, the responsibility rests only on his shoulders, whereas if we buy together, it's an even split.

Hi.

Sorry to be blunt but its almost like your not reading what your writing.

Your partner has plans to buy his own house BEFORE you came along, you have only been together a few months. He wants to buy a house now because thats what HE planned to do BEFORE you. He doesnt want YOU to be part of this, but is happy for you to live with him incase you spilt.

If he buys on his own then yes the responsibility is left on his sholders but thats what he wants.

You may stay together forever but he has told you want he wants to do and I think his plan works better then urs because this way he gets on the ladder now and if your still together then you can go get a house together but that means his plans dont get pushed to one side because of your wants.

I think you are being unfair to ask him to keep renting and putting his life on hold to see if you work out.

Its his risk not yours, and you shouldn't hold your partner back - its the last thing you want to be doing at this early stages as you may find him moving on without you! But at the same time its not 'unfair' to let him take the risk because its exactly what he would be doing anyway.

princeofpounds

You have been together months and it already sounds like you are planning his life for him.

Whilst I do get where you are coming from, I have to be honest and say that sometimes I feel like people (and often women) fetishise property-buying as the core of a relationship. I guess it's natural at the 'nesting' phase of life and in a culture that is so ownership-centric as the UK. And yes, there are real practical issues where any major decision has to account for the needs of both people. But even so...

Think about it; if he happened to have bought just before you met, would you be pushing to part-own his house at this stage? Doubt it. You'd probably just be happy he was keen to have you move in. Don't under-appreciate what commitment is shown.

Now, if it was me I'd be more open to the idea of renting first- it's objectively the most sensible option - but that's just because I'm not desperate to buy. Maybe he is for reasons I don't know, and if I was I would never buy with someone I'd known for not even a year.

Don't know what to say beyond that. They are just honest blunt thoughts. I hope this situation doesn't come between you whatever you decide.

lawriejones1

I'd sit down, turn the telly off, stick the phones in a cupboard, brew a pot of tea and have a chat.

If you can't talk this through and come up with a good solution that works for you both then the omens aren't great.

And all the stress and headaches of buying a property (separately or together) are going to challenge communication between you over the next few months anyway...

Fire_Fox

ivanap wrote: »

Thanks for the comments and input so far, much appreciated. I think renting together to see how that pans out, before committing to buying would be my preferred route. And at the same time we'll be saving for a deposit for a future mortgage together. If after a year or so, it doesn't work out, we have both saved a fair bit and can then make own arrangements about buying property, etc. No-one's out of pocket.

My last paragraph's not meant to be biased....he has his dreams and I have my dreams and hopefully these will fuse well for our future together, as well as protect both our financial interests and potential to borrow, etc. in the future. His dream of buying a property currently rests on money he doesn't have (the money from his father will be declared as a gift, but it's a loan), so I am concerned that potentially him buying too early and with little savings, could impact our ability to borrow together in the future...and yes if he buys on his own, the responsibility rests only on his shoulders, whereas if we buy together, it's an even split.

Agree with Yorkie1, emboldened is potentially mortgage fraud. You are not in a position to follow your dream because you don't have savings, so you are going to have to let go of it for now. He *might* be in a position to follow his so IMO you should be supporting him to plan for that. If it turns out he cannot raise the capital legitimately or the maths doesn't stack up then you are in a position to rent and save together just as you want, without any resentment on his behalf.

Yes him buying might impact your future, but he should not be organising his entire life and giving up his dreams for something that is 'eventually', for someone he has never even lived with. Try living in the here and now instead of wishing your life away, if you secretly want a whirlwind romance and to get married sooner rather than later then be honest. Nothing inherently wrong with feeling that way as long as you can accept that he is not in the same head space. But maybe he wants to be married or even planning a baby before you buy together, which frankly makes sense in terms of level of commitment.

It is not an even split if you buy together, you will normally be jointly and severally liable for the full debt, not half each. So if you separate and cannot shift the house, or one of you loses your job the other is lumped with a massive debt on a property that is too large for their needs.

krlyr

princeofpounds wrote: »

You have been together months and it already sounds like you are planning his life for him.

Not necessarily. OP's OH's decision to buy isn't something that will only affect him now. If OP moves in with him and they stay together, she may lose out on having been part of the buying process - the area, style or size of the house, etc. may be more to her OH's tastes than her own and it may not truly feel like "home" to her for a while (if ever). If they move in and it doesn't work out, will she have her dad's rental as backup, or will he have had to rent it out to someone else, forcing OP to rent elsewhere at a higher price?

I was actually in quite a similar position to OP a few years ago - OH and I had been dating a few months, me renting from family and being quite happy with my situation (lower rent, location suited me great for work, suited my dogs, etc.) but OH reaching a stage in his life where he wanted to move out from his dad's - though to rent, not buy.

He got to the stage of finding friends willing to do a houseshare, found a place local to him (we lived about 45 minutes from each other) and so on and we got to a discussion about living situations. With my dogs, and his working hours, it was often the case that he'd come to my house at it was easier - yet it seemed silly for him to move out and pay higher rent (he was paying his dad, but not anything near what he'd be paying for this place), only to spend a few hours a week there (we'd only been going out a few months but got quite serious quite quickly), so he asked if I wanted to move in too - it'd be a bit like a houseshare, with me possibly renting my own room but us kind of having two rooms to share. Fair enough, but it would cost me more, not be in such an ideal location for work, a smaller garden for the dogs and with a couple of sharers so the dogs may have to be confined to certain areas etc. - and to be honest, it wouldn't have felt as much of a home to me as the family home I was renting. Not to mention that if I moved out of my house at that time, there would have been no going back - it would be rented out to someone else, as it couldn't just sit there empty waiting for me.

We ummed and ahhed and then I suggested he moved in with me instead. Maybe someone could have said I was planning his life, but we looked at it from an objectional point of view and weighed up the pros and cons (we're both fairly practical people in that aspect). If it didn't work out, he could move back to his dad's, so less of a risk for him than for me. Cheaper rent for both of us, and while it wouldn't quite feel like 'his' home, it was a great stop-gap that allowed us to both save more towards a house deposit to buy together, which we did 2 years down the line.

It was a compromise, but one my OH was happy to make, and overall it panned out pretty well. OP, would your OH consider moving in with you, temporarily, to take advantage of the cheap rent to gather more savings and avoid the complications of the family loan etc.? It seems like it could possibly have a few benefits for the pair of you.

Kayalana99

krlyr wrote: »

Not necessarily. OP's OH's decision to buy isn't something that will only affect him now. If OP moves in with him and they stay together, she may lose out on having been part of the buying process

Complety diff situation because you and your OH agreed and not many people want to live with other peoples parents.

Thiers a big differnence to renting then to buying and the OH sounds like he has his heart set on this.

If OH wants to agree to rent for a while so they can buy a place together then so be it...but as a few have said its unfair that the OP forces this on him when they have been together a few months and he will basicly be putting his life on hold to see if they work out...!

And to make matters worse if OH and OP spilt during the rental contract they will legally have to keep paying it so I bet OH would be stuck renting by himself...AGAIN.

If he buys a house and they spilt he will be in exact postion he wanted to be in before he met OP and as he has said...he would be happy to sell and buy a house together IF they work out. Sounds like a smart plan to me.


It actally sounds to me that OP has a problem with this because it will be HIS house and she wont feel apart of it...which is just selfish as they have only been together a few months and will be holding him back....

krlyr

Apologies, late night reading, I read it as OP renting off her dad, not living with him. Does change the situation a bit!

However, I do think OP has a say in it - yes, it may be early stages of their relationship, which complicates things, but if they're quite confident its going to be a longterm relationship then they need to think about the long-term effects of his decision
If my OH had wanted to buy rather than rent, and bought a house in his area, it would have had quite an effect on my life. Especially if it was a house I couldn't afford to pay half towards in the future, one that wasn't suitable for my dogs, one that made my morning commute too long/expensive/etc.

Ok, if that was truly his wish then I never would have asked him not to do it, but I would have hoped he'd consider me in his decision (like he did with the rental decision) because going ahead with it could have caused our relationship to change, or even prevent it having much of a future.

If OP wanted to move out from her dad's house and fancied moving 400 miles away, you couldn't say "well she might have wanted to do that before she met him so he has to accept that it was her plan" - things change when you start a relationship, no matter how early the stage.

If it really was as easy as OP's OH selling the house when they decide to move in together then fine..but selling a house can take months, even years, he may lose money on it, etc. It's not a decison he can 'undo' overnight so I don't think OP is unwarranted in worrying about its impact on the relationship.

isisini

Hi OP,

I don't think it's unreasonable for you to start making longer term plans or thinking about different outcomes for living together in this instance, especially at the age you are at currently (I am at a similar age and marriage and babies is a constant topic of conversation among my friends and family!).

If your OH goes ahead and buys this property and you live in it you effectively cut yourself off from getting on the property ladder yourself for a while, and as you say, he may need to sell it on relatively quickly which could be costly. So it does seem some measure of compromise is needed from your partner if he sees this as a long term relationship too.

Living together before you buy together seems sensible so I think your plan of renting for a year together while you save up to buy together makes a lot of sense.

However only you know what sort of level of commitment you and your new OH are at at the moment! I think you need to talk it out and decide how serious you are about each right now. If you're not sure, then maybe it's best to let him do his own thing with the house, while you save up your own deposit.

If you're both aligned that this is the real deal and it's just a question of checking you can rub along together in the same house, then rent for the short-term and then look into making a bigger commitment.

marathonic

If you persuade him to hold off and prices shoot up 20% due to the new help-to-buy scheme and an improving economy, how do you think that would impact the relationship?

If you can save £7k - £8k over the next year, why not let him go ahead and buy and continue saving yourself - whilst maintaining your current living arrangements.

Next year, when you have £7k or £8k saved, consider moving in with him for a year, during which, you can save another £10k - given the decreased rent. Let him concentrate on paying down the mortgage over this time.

The worst case scenario is that he ends up in the position he was planning to be in anyway and you end up with enough savings for a deposit of your own to get your own place or, if the relationship works out, to upsize.