And I STILL can't fix the Father problems.....

GotToChange

Thank you for your kind words

Sadly, the story of my relationship with my daughter has suffered a similar fate to that of mine with my own parents. It is a long and sorry tale and opens me up to judgement, so I keep my lip zipped on that. (Problem; I married a control freak with an interfering recently widowed mother. Said control freak also worshipped at thhe altar of the great God money and took my then 12 yo daughter to live with him, palmed her off on her g/mother, remarried and sold the former matrimonial home to his mother rather than let me try to buy him out.) Long (sad) tale. My daughter, now 24, is so far removed from me, I can.not see a way through. Let alone all the reasons for not being acceptable to my parents apply equally to being considered a good enough person to be anything remotely like a mother to someone who seems to hate me.)
Said too much

I have one close friend but this friendshipis tested in many ways, not least because HE is (obviously) male and about 13 years younger than me. The days of him fancying his chances are gone (thank TL) but it is still tricky sometimes - the hosp and BigC issue bing a case in point. The details of it were never discussed to spare his blushes and that is probably why I even mentioned it to someone loosely described as family - i.e. Uncle and Aunt (if he ever told her, that is).

The Mother side of things is just too ugly and depressing. The final nail in the coffin being when I found our my half-sister's daughter (then 17) was making offfensive tweets about her "Gma". I wrote to her telling her to cease and desist; this then got back to my mother who would not of course call me to tick me off, but waited until my bi-annual phone call (even then one-annual too many) and shrieked at me about everything she could think of bear in mind, I didn't meet her until I was 16, so that relationship has always been difficult) and told me she never wanted to see me again. (Last time was Mother's Day 2011 when I visited unannounced and was welcomed emotionally but then told that her son-in-law (my "real" sister's husband) had just taken her out for lunch, even though my sister has also disowned her - my - mother. Oh, and me of course.)

Confused? You will be.....
Remember "Soap"?

Have to go to see the old cripple* now, which is just as well as I could drone on for hours.....


*Not fair to call him this, he was a fantatsic racehorse in his younger days and only having a dodgy jockey caused his career to be cut short.

Errata

I have no wish to hang onto the stuff from the past

Then don't, it doesn't benefit you does it? Ignore him, let him contact the police - they'll probably just give you a ring if he gives them your number and you can tell them you're fine.

barbiedoll

I'll apologise in advance if you think that I'm speaking out of turn but you seem absolutely desperate for your father's approval, despite him treating you like a dirty secret. I think that in the grand scheme of things, he is of little importance, you have plenty going on in your life to worry about, why waste time and energy on him? He certainly isn't spending any time on you.

Now that you have a little "control", use it wisely. Send him a message stating that you're fine and that you can't see any point in any further contact. Then change your phone number or block him from your phone. He is bringing absolutely nothing positive to your life, all this is just dragging you down. The time and energy that you are wasting on him could be better spent caring for your horse, seeking some counselling for your anxiety about the burglary (I've been burgled and I can understand how you feel) and even trying to build bridges with your daughter.

You are clearly intelligent, eloquent and you have a sense of humour, despite your setbacks. Your so-called father doesn't deserve you, and don't listen to all that guff about being in his will, he's probably left you a worthless set of Canadian postage stamps or something! It's just another form of control, he thinks that you'll hang onto his every word if he bribes you with the promise of an inheritance.

I'm glad that your health scare was unfounded, now don't waste time looking back, get rid of him once and for all. I get the sense that you feel guilty for some perceived inadequecy, he's the one who should feel guilty, for being a worse than useless father.

Cut him out of your life, forget about him and start looking after yourself. You don't have anything to lose.

pukkamum

A lot of your postcould have been written by me, my dad has lived in america since I was 2 with sporadic letters and visits, forgot every birthday and xmas though was happy to turn up on my doorstep 6 yrs ago for a seven week visit staying with us!
I also had a very cruel, physical and mentally abusive stepfather, whom my mother allowed to ruin my childhood and will still to this day deny any wrong doing.
When my mum and stepfather split up my mum worked nights so from the age of 15 I was left in the house alone all night, we were burgled twice during this time whilst I was alone in the house.

I spent many many years bemoaning my lot, going over the hurt, anger, feelings of rejectment, eating myself to obesity just to try and feel better, of course it didn't work.

Then my stepdad died.
It was a huge catalyst for me, at first I was devastated, I had for all his faults loved him very much and only ever wanted him to love me too.
I then one night had a dream, in it I saw my stepdad and asked himif he ever loved me, his reply? Of course not and then he laughed and drove off.
It sounds horrific but it set me free, I realised that he could no longer make me feel unloved and unwanted and instaed of spending nights brooding over the things I wanted to say to him, about how much he hurt me not even the physical hurt but the mental hurt, I decided to get on with my life and not let him ruin the rest of my life as he had my childhood.
I lost weight got married and finally feel truly happy.

I'm not sure whether my rambling means anything to you, isn't it strange how writing about these things becomes just a stream of consciousness and feels cathartic.
Keep strong, remind yourself everyday of the wonderful things in your life and live everyday as if it's your last!

Octobergirl

My father left when I was 4, he was pretty rubbish at keeping in touch and in hindsight, I don't think we had much of a bond, but I was torn up about his lack of interest in me. On my 17 birthday, we all attended a family wedding, where he didn't really speak to me ( i hadnt seen him for 7 years) I got a birthday cheque in the post from his secretary a week later.

I decided that day that he wasn't worth the angst and cut ties, the sense of relief was immense. over the following 10 years I watched my two elder brothers go through the same process. None of us are in contact now.

I've met him twice since, a family funeral where I had to be introduced to him, and a wedding, where we got on really well, and I almost thought about establishing a relationship again. However, when I didn't respond immediately to his emails, he started getting stroppy and intense....I decided that my life was just fine without him in it.