We’d like to remind Forumites to please avoid political debate on the Forum.
This is to keep it a safe and useful space for MoneySaving discussions. Threads that are – or become – political in nature may be removed in line with the Forum’s rules. Thank you for your understanding.
📨 Have you signed up to the Forum's new Email Digest yet? Get a selection of trending threads sent straight to your inbox daily, weekly or monthly!
The Forum now has a brand new text editor, adding a bunch of handy features to use when creating posts. Read more in our how-to guide
And I STILL can't fix the Father problems.....
GotToChange
Posts: 1,471 Forumite
I suppose this is (another) rant - that has little to nothing to do with money-saving.
It is also a sorry case of being stuck in some kind of nightmarish loop: Do nothing? Do something? Who is to know?
I apologise to anyone who advised and supported me before - and also for what may seem like repetition. It really is hell inside my head (hence this I guess).
The sad tale of my history has been written on here previously and I am sure that no-one would want to read again (plus too long-drawn out to type), so I shall attempt a brief summary of the dilemma I have now found (put) myself in.
So far, a bit of a rubbish year (could be/have been worse) - preceeded by some (?) self-inflicted upheaval (moving from place I loved and had lived for just <13 years to two different properties - plus a week of virtual homelessness [spent in a Travelodge] starting end Oct, ending here - which I hate with every fibre of my being - on New Year's Eve).
The primary cause for worry Iguess was a couple of tests and a procedure under GA in early February. Three weeks later, all clear (from Big C) given and no action necessary. Phew.
(Gold stars to NHS for swift response, I must say._
A week after the hospital stay, the property I am now in was broken into and my handbag/contents and brand new (OU) laptop stolen. The gate at the end of the garden was smashed down and something used to break the patio door, leaving safety glass the length of the main living room.
The thing that worries me about this to this day is that, to all intents and purposes, it looked as though I was in. Had that window been smashed whilst I was here, I would quite simply have died of shock. I still don't feel fully over it and each day it will occur to me that this or that item which was in my bag has gone forever.
In addition, an ongoing issue has been the final countdown of my beloved old horse (again, a story told on here before.... and yep, he is still going). He is (fingers crossed) fine at the moment but there have been two periods of severe lameness brought on by an abscess first in one front foot, then in the other (thankfully, not simultaneously). This has led to periods of he and his best buddy being confined to barracks for up to 10 days which has at least let the horrible land that we rent recover somewhat. But each day, I am waiting for the next - final - thing and have been braced for "the decision" on at least four occasions so far. In one sense, I am OK with it and have a great vet who can tolerate me; on the other hand, it is as though I am perpetually holding my breath.
Anyhow. The point of this?
After many many struggles, I have reconciled myself to my Father's indifference to me. Any attempts I have made to be in touch with/connect with him have failed and result in threats of estrangement and my pathetic emails, cards, letters etc. being rebuffed or ignored - even though it is always he who opens communication (somehow I think I eff it up without meaning to). He has been in the country on several occasions but is, as far as I know now "back" in Canada where he has a home that he is selling in order to return to France, where I believe he and his wife were happiest. he says there is no reason for him to visit "this" area since his best friend (with whom they would lodge) died suddenly last year.
I told him nothing of my trials and tribulations and were I to do so, I could imagine a response such as "Don't tell me your problems, I've got enough of my own", or "Keep it light sweetie, no-one wants to hear your dramas and angst" and so on.
One person that I had told - about the C-scare, not much else - was his brother/my Uncle, who remains in roughly the same area but who, also sadly, has issue with me due in part to the fact that his mother brought me up (after Father took me away from my mother) meaning that she didn't devote enough time to his four children. He only told me this recently, so it made a few things become clear.
I think I told him because I hoped his wife/my Aunt (who I adore) would be supportive in some way (the C-scare was a female-type thing....). As it is, that was a big fat No.
I had not told my Father but - strangely - recieved a text message expressing "concern" from his younger son (my half-brother). Told me to let him know if I needed anything. By the way, he lives in Germany and I haven't seem him since 1996 (Christmas in NZ when he was about 17 I think). Ho hum. This was the only way that I knew my Father knew; he did not call, message or write himself....
....until a letter did arrive - to my friend's address which I had used as c/o over Christmas. The only time he mentioned the hospital visit was to say that he hoped it was trivial. He went on to have a bit of a complain about his circumstances - house not selling, high property taxes, fuels bills (sneering at us in the UK thinking that ours are high), his own health (which is good by all accounts), moving to somewhere sunny etc etc.
I sent him a text message to tell him that he shouldn't (as he had) denigrate the Canadian postal service and to let him know that the hosp. thing could be trivial - but equally, may not be.
By the way, not proud to be communicating by text message - but trust me, there are not many options.
He didn't respond and that was that. As usual.
(Still with me? Well done
)
So now, nearly two months after the last communication, he has started to send text messages (p.s. he is 71 and he was 18 when I was born......) demanding that I tell him how I am.
It sounds childish I know, but I don't feel particularly inclined to. The days when I prayed for the chance of a long conversation or some kind of functioning relationship with him are long gone; squashed finally by so many pointless attempts on my part, met - always - by indifference and a sense of entitlement (yes, his eldest daughter should be throwing herself at his feet...) on his. I so wish it could be different but I am sorry to say that the way I see it now (warped I know) is that he is probably wishing that I am dead and he can live his remaining years out without the spectre of his past mistakes shadowing him the way he seems to think I do.
Sadly for him, I am still alive and do not have (that particular) cancer. I am however in such terrible shape, physically, emotionally, financially, every way that I am not allowed to be. How on earth could I hope that he would want anything to do with me now?
So, the messages are increasing in annoyance (the voicemail that he left said that he was "put out" that I hadn't responded as I would "normally reply immediately [chuckle]" - to the point that he has now (lunchtime, which would be early a.m. his time [Quebec]) sent anmessage telling me that if "they" (he and his wife, who really does wish that I didn't exist....) would contact the police should I not respond by the end of the day.
The thing is, all of this is happening via a mobile phone. At first, it felt OK to "ignore"; I certainly did not think he would persist. This a person I have seen only three times in the last 13 years, the first of those times being at his Mother's funeral (the grandmother who was a mother to me) when he managed to get ticked off because I didn't immediately look at him when I entered the church (not knowing where to go and having been left to my own devices to attend the service....). The other two occasions have been what I call "lunch at the last minute" - both of them being arranged hastily and reluctantly by him on his terms and timing (and his wife's, who didn't even attend) on the very day before he would be leaving the country. *sigh*
BUT, the obedient "daughter" is struggling - not to mention the fact that the police knocking on the door (of course, they would be so very interested in this situation - I don't think) is the last thing I want. But now that I have failed to reply, I will be in the doghouse (again - still) if I send a message back. Besides, doing that, I i) disappoint him becuase I am still around, and ii) don't hear any more from him when, truth be told, I would give my eye teeth to be able to talk to him the way a daughter should. (Which is all sentimental BS because I never have.)
Oh crikey, I have gone on and on. I would not be suprised at anyone asking me what my question is.... but then I don't really know. I suppose I want to feel vindicated in ignoring the man who is my Father but to to whom I have never used the title. He has hinted before at health concerns that he has had but then flat out refused to tell me any more or has said "Well, you wouldn't be interested" or some such, which gives him free rein to ignore anything that may be wrong with me.
Waffle waffle.
But seriously, any thoughts/advice as to what I should do now would really helpful as I am floundering a little.
("A little" is an exaggeration....)
It is also a sorry case of being stuck in some kind of nightmarish loop: Do nothing? Do something? Who is to know?
I apologise to anyone who advised and supported me before - and also for what may seem like repetition. It really is hell inside my head (hence this I guess).
The sad tale of my history has been written on here previously and I am sure that no-one would want to read again (plus too long-drawn out to type), so I shall attempt a brief summary of the dilemma I have now found (put) myself in.
So far, a bit of a rubbish year (could be/have been worse) - preceeded by some (?) self-inflicted upheaval (moving from place I loved and had lived for just <13 years to two different properties - plus a week of virtual homelessness [spent in a Travelodge] starting end Oct, ending here - which I hate with every fibre of my being - on New Year's Eve).
The primary cause for worry Iguess was a couple of tests and a procedure under GA in early February. Three weeks later, all clear (from Big C) given and no action necessary. Phew.
(Gold stars to NHS for swift response, I must say._
A week after the hospital stay, the property I am now in was broken into and my handbag/contents and brand new (OU) laptop stolen. The gate at the end of the garden was smashed down and something used to break the patio door, leaving safety glass the length of the main living room.
The thing that worries me about this to this day is that, to all intents and purposes, it looked as though I was in. Had that window been smashed whilst I was here, I would quite simply have died of shock. I still don't feel fully over it and each day it will occur to me that this or that item which was in my bag has gone forever.
In addition, an ongoing issue has been the final countdown of my beloved old horse (again, a story told on here before.... and yep, he is still going). He is (fingers crossed) fine at the moment but there have been two periods of severe lameness brought on by an abscess first in one front foot, then in the other (thankfully, not simultaneously). This has led to periods of he and his best buddy being confined to barracks for up to 10 days which has at least let the horrible land that we rent recover somewhat. But each day, I am waiting for the next - final - thing and have been braced for "the decision" on at least four occasions so far. In one sense, I am OK with it and have a great vet who can tolerate me; on the other hand, it is as though I am perpetually holding my breath.
Anyhow. The point of this?
After many many struggles, I have reconciled myself to my Father's indifference to me. Any attempts I have made to be in touch with/connect with him have failed and result in threats of estrangement and my pathetic emails, cards, letters etc. being rebuffed or ignored - even though it is always he who opens communication (somehow I think I eff it up without meaning to). He has been in the country on several occasions but is, as far as I know now "back" in Canada where he has a home that he is selling in order to return to France, where I believe he and his wife were happiest. he says there is no reason for him to visit "this" area since his best friend (with whom they would lodge) died suddenly last year.
I told him nothing of my trials and tribulations and were I to do so, I could imagine a response such as "Don't tell me your problems, I've got enough of my own", or "Keep it light sweetie, no-one wants to hear your dramas and angst" and so on.
One person that I had told - about the C-scare, not much else - was his brother/my Uncle, who remains in roughly the same area but who, also sadly, has issue with me due in part to the fact that his mother brought me up (after Father took me away from my mother) meaning that she didn't devote enough time to his four children. He only told me this recently, so it made a few things become clear.
I think I told him because I hoped his wife/my Aunt (who I adore) would be supportive in some way (the C-scare was a female-type thing....). As it is, that was a big fat No.
I had not told my Father but - strangely - recieved a text message expressing "concern" from his younger son (my half-brother). Told me to let him know if I needed anything. By the way, he lives in Germany and I haven't seem him since 1996 (Christmas in NZ when he was about 17 I think). Ho hum. This was the only way that I knew my Father knew; he did not call, message or write himself....
....until a letter did arrive - to my friend's address which I had used as c/o over Christmas. The only time he mentioned the hospital visit was to say that he hoped it was trivial. He went on to have a bit of a complain about his circumstances - house not selling, high property taxes, fuels bills (sneering at us in the UK thinking that ours are high), his own health (which is good by all accounts), moving to somewhere sunny etc etc.
I sent him a text message to tell him that he shouldn't (as he had) denigrate the Canadian postal service and to let him know that the hosp. thing could be trivial - but equally, may not be.
By the way, not proud to be communicating by text message - but trust me, there are not many options.
He didn't respond and that was that. As usual.
(Still with me? Well done
)So now, nearly two months after the last communication, he has started to send text messages (p.s. he is 71 and he was 18 when I was born......) demanding that I tell him how I am.
It sounds childish I know, but I don't feel particularly inclined to. The days when I prayed for the chance of a long conversation or some kind of functioning relationship with him are long gone; squashed finally by so many pointless attempts on my part, met - always - by indifference and a sense of entitlement (yes, his eldest daughter should be throwing herself at his feet...) on his. I so wish it could be different but I am sorry to say that the way I see it now (warped I know) is that he is probably wishing that I am dead and he can live his remaining years out without the spectre of his past mistakes shadowing him the way he seems to think I do.
Sadly for him, I am still alive and do not have (that particular) cancer. I am however in such terrible shape, physically, emotionally, financially, every way that I am not allowed to be. How on earth could I hope that he would want anything to do with me now?
So, the messages are increasing in annoyance (the voicemail that he left said that he was "put out" that I hadn't responded as I would "normally reply immediately [chuckle]" - to the point that he has now (lunchtime, which would be early a.m. his time [Quebec]) sent anmessage telling me that if "they" (he and his wife, who really does wish that I didn't exist....) would contact the police should I not respond by the end of the day.
The thing is, all of this is happening via a mobile phone. At first, it felt OK to "ignore"; I certainly did not think he would persist. This a person I have seen only three times in the last 13 years, the first of those times being at his Mother's funeral (the grandmother who was a mother to me) when he managed to get ticked off because I didn't immediately look at him when I entered the church (not knowing where to go and having been left to my own devices to attend the service....). The other two occasions have been what I call "lunch at the last minute" - both of them being arranged hastily and reluctantly by him on his terms and timing (and his wife's, who didn't even attend) on the very day before he would be leaving the country. *sigh*
BUT, the obedient "daughter" is struggling - not to mention the fact that the police knocking on the door (of course, they would be so very interested in this situation - I don't think) is the last thing I want. But now that I have failed to reply, I will be in the doghouse (again - still) if I send a message back. Besides, doing that, I i) disappoint him becuase I am still around, and ii) don't hear any more from him when, truth be told, I would give my eye teeth to be able to talk to him the way a daughter should. (Which is all sentimental BS because I never have.)
Oh crikey, I have gone on and on. I would not be suprised at anyone asking me what my question is.... but then I don't really know. I suppose I want to feel vindicated in ignoring the man who is my Father but to to whom I have never used the title. He has hinted before at health concerns that he has had but then flat out refused to tell me any more or has said "Well, you wouldn't be interested" or some such, which gives him free rein to ignore anything that may be wrong with me.
Waffle waffle.
But seriously, any thoughts/advice as to what I should do now would really helpful as I am floundering a little.
("A little" is an exaggeration....)
0
Comments
-
Poor you Honestly, it sounds to me like he's got used to you jumping when he whistles and is put out that you aren't doing so this time round. Anyone who can consistently treat someone else in the way he's treated you is more interested in their own agenda than your needs.
He should be proud that you're strong and resourceful enough to cope without him, not whingeing when you fail to play up to his occasional need to feel like a useful parent.
If you want to respond, just keep it simple and short and don't encourage any more attention seeking from him.If you lend someone £20 and never see them again, it was probably £20 well spent...0 -
Firstly - hugs!! You have had one thing after another, with little or no support, and you've come out the other side, so well done!
Fathers, eh? mine was the life and soul of the party. I now know that I was a disappointment to him (he wrote a diary that I read after his death), and that his life was only about me (my mother who he spent 35 years with until her death) wasn't even worth a mention. Just him, him, him. Well, now it's too late, I won't be able to show him that I am successful, my children even more so, and that we can all support ourselves without being told what to do.
I've never been more content.0 -
You seem to be hanging onto a load of crap stuff and thats human nature. But my family and I had an experience last year that most people wont go through in a lifetime. A lie was told about someone at work, it snowballed, it could have ended up ruining their career and their life and it was 7 months before things were resolved.
And that put a lot of everyday moans and groans into perspective.
Ive never been burgled so I cant understand what you feel, its horrible to hear. Ive pets and while all that was going on last year my mum lost 2 of her cats, one to FIV, the other was killed on the road.
I also have a father in name only who has remarried with another family and who has had nothing to do with me since I was 4. Yes it hurts when people who should care about you cant seem to, but you have to make peace with that and walk away or continue a semi kind of relationship that you have and realise that it might always be turbulent.
And when one thing goes wrong you do wonder how you'll ever get a break but to be caught up in an endless cycle of whats wrong, whats been wrong, what might go wrong really isnt good for anyones mental health. Ive been there, these days I try not to.0 -
Thank you ^^
I wish that I could be strong(er) and (more) resourceful, I really don't think I can manage it much longer; it seems to have been my life's refrain. I feel sorry for the younger me (child, teenager, hopeful bride [he let me down two days before my wedding, meaning the aformentioned uncle had to stand in, reluctantly], new mum, even the me who just simply wasn't as old and defeated as I am now....) who never for a moment thought that it would end up like this.
The thing is, by replying now, I would be in so much trouble for not having done so up to this point.
But really, having a fit because a person doesn't respond to mobile calls/messages (esp. if that person is considered such a total failure that keeping a mobile running is beyond her in their opinion) is rather an overreaction. I can imagine the police (if they gave him the time of day) asking what other means of contact he had tried/were we in regular communication/is he far away blah blah. It would be a joke.
But he has worried me, which is almost causing me to react. Which if I did, he would then shut me down.
I have been (close to) here so many times before.
It's kinda sick.
I have no wish to hang onto the stuff from the past. It is the entirety of our relationship such as it is. It is what I have instead of a good relationship (Mother is another - told on here also, I'm afraid - story) with him - them.
Not that I would want it but even turbulent would be better than this nothingness - as far as I am concerned -and preference for children (and their children) who came along after me.
I was "at peace" with things as they were in 2009 when I received a letter out of the blue telling me on the one hand that I should never have existed and on the other that I am/was (ugh) a beneficiary in his will (fGs). And what did I do? Start grovelling. A year later, he conceded to have lunch with me.
The kindest thing he could have done was stay out of my life. My sister, who stayed with my Mother, was the lucky one (although she thought I was = hating me on sight). Not as lucky though as the brother I didn't even know about until I was 27. He was adopted straight out of an incubator and to a loving family (only issue was they had wanted a girl, so dressed him as one for a bit....). My/His/The Father took TEN YEARS to "agree" to meet him.
(No Happy Endings/Surprise Surprise-style for this particluar family.....)
All this may be commonplace nowadays - but not so much then. I suppose my Father was something of a Trailblazer. Not something he's proud of though - the parents of his third wife don't even know that I (and my siblings) exist.0 -
It sounds like he's the sort of person who always has to be in control. When he contacts you it's fine as that's on his terms - but when you start asking for anything from him then he backs off. At the moment he's constantly texting you because for once he's not in control - and I think perhaps you're not answering because a part of you is enjoying having your own version of control for once.
While I think you do have justification for feeling like that, I'd suggest that it's perhaps not particularly healthy. Do you actually want a relationship with your father going forwards - baring in mind that it will not be the kind of father/daughter relationship that you would have liked (and no doubt deserve) as he's obviously not capable of that. It would be the same inconsistent and unreliable contact you have now - but if you are aware of that beforehand and can accept that's all he's capable of offering then I do know some people who can manage relationships like that.
If on the other hand you've simply had enough and want to break all ties then maybe just drop him a simple message saying that you're fine but don't want to be in contact with him. You could block his number then if you think it will get messy. You don't owe him anything, he hasn't been a father to you in any sense of the word, so if you think your life would be better without him in it then don't feel you have to hang on from some sense of obligation.
Either way, I hope things start looking up for you soon x0 -
Oh I absolutely find myself wondering if there isn't some twinge of perverse "satisfaction" (that is NOT the right word.....) that I am - a little - in control. But no, unless it's subconscious, all this is doing is messing with my head (which is, as always, mainly self-inflicted, I know that.)
As wise as your words are and as clear cut as it seems, I cannot find it in myself to send a message telling him OK thanks and that be It. He would be so grateful that I would have let him off the paternal hook...
But I equally cannot see a way forward with the way things are and have been. I have lived with it forever - but the thought that that is the way it would be until one or the other dies...?
(Makes me want to hasten things along, I'm sorry to say.)0 -
This man has not been a father to you or your siblings. I can't begin to imagine how carp he makes you feel. None of this is your fault, it's his.
You have tried to be a 'good daughter' but he is not ever going to be a 'good father'. You are probably best to just ignore him, he seems to contact you just for the perverse pleasure of being uninterested and nasty.
It will be hard to do but he has been a blight on your life so far, don't let him ruin the next part.0 -
How many times will you use this as a stick to beat yourself with?
Theres only so much sh!te someone has to take before the best course of action is to remove yourself from the situation.
I removed myself from my situation 4 years ago last October. Yes ive been tempted to go back and put things right again but ive tried in the past and its not made a scrap of difference to how i feel or how my Mother feels about me.
Move on...This is a system account and does not represent a real person. To contact the Forum Team email forumteam@moneysavingexpert.com0 -
I'm sorry, I have not read any of your other posts, but I notice that you said you have children. Is your relationship with them a good one?
I'm sorry about your horse. We almost always outlive our pets and when they pass it's heart-breaking but you have the comfort of knowing you gave him a wonderful life
I'm also sorry that you've been burgled, it's an awful experience and will be with you for years to come if you're anything like me, I still think about it 25 years on Thank goodness you weren't in at the time, possessions can be replaced.
I am 10 years older than you and all I would say to you is that life is short (I know everyone says that, but as you get past the half-way mark you realise how true it is)........way too short to waste another minute on this sorry excuse for a human being.
Apart from 'the sperm donor' do you have other people who care about you? I'm sure you do because, although your post is very sad, it does look as though you have a great sense of humour.
I wish you well in the future xI let my mind wander and it never came back!0 -
I've taken the difficult decision to break with my mother.
If it helps, I did find it immensely satisfying to send a message to say that I wished to sever all contact with her, and never want any contact again, no matter what the circumstances.
In my case, it was repeated messages, to her face, on returned letters, etc, but only because she was stalking me, and even turned up at my doorstep after a court case getting her to stay away.
It was not beautifully clean cut as in "Send Message = Immense Satisfaction + End of Story", partly because of her determination to ignor e me.
The thing that did my head in, and took me ages to work out was that she was determined to have me around, so that she could ignore me, as in nothing I said or wanted mattered, but I was there to jump for her and for her to show off.
What it works out to, because I still get an occasional contact is "I'm still ignoring her = satisfaction that I'm living my life, not jumping like a puppet to her will just because she's feeling invalidated by her selfish life".0
This discussion has been closed.
Confirm your email address to Create Threads and Reply
Categories
- All Categories
- 354.3K Banking & Borrowing
- 254.4K Reduce Debt & Boost Income
- 455.4K Spending & Discounts
- 247.3K Work, Benefits & Business
- 604K Mortgages, Homes & Bills
- 178.4K Life & Family
- 261.5K Travel & Transport
- 1.5M Hobbies & Leisure
- 16K Discuss & Feedback
- 37.7K Read-Only Boards