how can i have a life while im a dfw?

shamu95

hi, i am working all these hours to maintain just above minimum payments and i mean just above. i really need to decrease my debt in the next 3 months as my daughter starts school in sept and if i havent achieved lower min payments i will have to work the same hours which in effect means i will very rarely see her which is so not what i want.
I am looking at the bigger picture and have set myself a 4year deadline but am sick of everyone getting me down about it- iw ant my friends and family to encourage and support me not to keep telling me its an imposibility and that its my mess but i cant do that.

Storm

Hi Shamu,

You say that you've already lost your best friend since you started on your DFW path, and to be honest, if that's the case then I don't think they were really a friend at all! We all have different groups of people for different periods in our lives, and perhaps this person was a 'good times' friend - someone you could have a night out with & a good laugh, but when the chips are down aren't any good for the support?

You do need to make some time for yourself & your family though - even if it's the various cheap options people have suggested like coffee, visiting people at their houses, going for a walk etc.

I wonder if there more deep-seated problems with your OH though - if he's not supporting you through this time then it's going to make everything much more difficult. Perhaps the two of you need to agree a set time each week (a night you're not working!) when you won't discuss money, work or how busy either of you is, so you can talk about other stuff & do *things* that make the both of you relaxed & happy?

RAS

Hi

Clearing your debt is clearly very important, but you cannot go on like this long term. The starting point has to be that you need more sleep so that you can cope better. Sleep deprivation is a killer for any parent of small children, wthout this extra load. And the other thing re your relationship, to put it gently, is that OH is getting up at 6am, so must be going to bed long before you even get back from work, kn8ck8r8d.

I would suggest that you look very carefully at what you are getting "paid" for the number of hours that you are putting into it. How much an hour are you getting from Avon, playgroup and e-bay? If it is less than you earn on the other job, pack it in for a while and SLEEP. or cut out one shift.

Once DD goes to school and your three year old is in nursery, could you work day-time hours instead of an evening shift?

I do not know your full situation but is there any way of cutting back the interest rates on these cards or getting one with lower rate? Alternatively, given that you are probably not getting paid a princely sum, is there any other employment that you can take. I know that pay rates are pretty low generaly, but just suggesting you keep you eyes open. It could even be a promtion in-house?

And you do need to talk to OH and agree some us time every week. You have in common what you share and right now you are not seeing a lot of each other.

shamu95

hi. thank you for your responses. i get paid £7.75 at main job. very flexible hour and will be starting daytime in 2yrs when both at school. youngest only goes 3 hrs in a morning. we dont qualify for help with costs so cant send him more.
playgroup is £5.35 an hour. avon is nearly £100 every 3 wks and ebay maybe £50 a month but is decluttering the house. i can't get promotion as oh will not change hours he works. we work at same place. payrise due in october.
I do need to spend time with oh but he also wants to socialise. I am in a rut. have just had 2wks off work but it haqsnt made any difference to how i feel. ive been in bed before 10 practically every evening and not one friend wanted to meet up for a cuppa. went to bingo with a family member. i am feeling isolated and very much alone.

chevalier

Not being funny or anything, but surely you didn't spend all this money on you? It went on the household, kids things, food on the credit card when there was no money in the bank? So isn't some of this debt morally your OH's too? Maybe his defensiveness is about feeling a bit guilty about the debt? Also maybe he feels upset because with you working evenings he has no choice but to stay in, when he wants to be out? I am not saying his attitude is helpful.


You were saying that your eldest will be starting school soon, so maybe now is the time to see if you can get a job that is school hours so you can drop some of the evening work. Is your current job with a supermarket? They maybe able to swap your shifts on some days to days rather than evenings?

On another note are you getting all the benefits you are entitled too? I don't remember seeing your SOA so don't know if you are. If not then claiming eg working families tax credits, may help you be able to ease off the working a bit.

As for social life. Take the children to the park. Benefits are that it's free, plus you will get some fresh air in your lungs and also some exercise too. It may help you feel less lethargic. Plus you can do the free sign ups to DVD rental (and if you do these via quidco or pigsback then you get money/points too), so you could have friends round for a free dvd, and they bring nibbles or whatever. Also swimming is not that expensive either.

Best of luck
chev

shamu95

thanks chev. between us we earn over £30k so not entitled to working families. i work at mcdonalds and days are available but i still have a 3yr old when oldest at school so not practical. my boss is great and he will give me the hours i want but cant do days for another 2 years. another reasn i took on avon and playgroup jobs apart from money obv was in the hope that i could get earnings high enough to stop my late night working but after midnight i get paid £8:25 an hr. Supermarket pays £6 an hour which is a substansial fall in income for me.

SortingIt_2

Hi Shamu,

Number one, remember, you are not the only one who has put debt first. However, it seems to me that your OH is being unfair as you are trying to sort this for a better future for you all. Luckily my OH has been nothing but supportive and we now have set dates for the next 4 months where we see where I am at, what my next aim is etc etc. I am sure you probably have but has your OH sat down and gone through things with you??

I am sure with a bit of organising and time out you could really put yourself back on track? Are you due any holiday (paid) maybe you could take a day off where you can have a few hours to yourself firsty (I think you need this) and then spend a few hours really putting your affairs into order.

Have you posted a full SOA? This could be great for you, even a revised one as to where you are at now - everyone here will be more than happy to help and advise.

I really really hope you manage a day off, it sounds to me like this is all getting on top of you and you just need to put it all into perspective with a little time.

Keep posting - the replies will be coming quick and fast and hopefully we can start to make you feel better about everything.

xxxx

shamu95

thank you sorting it. I have just had 2weeks paid holiday 1st night back tonight. However havent spent anytime on my own. i feel like im letting myself down if i spend a day not trying to generate income or save money. i will do a revised soa and see if anyone has anymore tips.
As i have mentioned on a previous thread at some point my oh just isnt a supportive person. he went to work when our son had an operation and thats his son so idnt really expect anything more from him really. thought i could manage alone as i am quite a strong person but obv not

SortingIt_2

You ARE a stong person - just look what you are doing and have done already!! Stay positive and you will be fine, sometimes it is just a case of taking a step back, looking at it from the outside and saying.... 'right, this is what needs to be done'!! It can all become too overwhelming at times.

Re your other OH, this sounds like something that needs to be discussed, maybe you are not feeling too strong about it right now but he needs to remember that you are his family too and you deserve some support, regardless of how you got in the situation! Firstly I think its important to deal with how you are feeling and get some kind of focus and then on to your OH if you feel up too it. I am more concerned about how you are feeling!

I will log back in later to catch up on your thread - see if you can work some time out to post that SOA and hopefully we can help.

One other thing - do your close friends and family know your situation and how much pressure you are under right now?

Keep smiling :-)

immoral_angeluk

Serious suggestion? Get a new OH! He should be supporting you and being there for you and no making you feel worthless. If he bucked his ideas up you wouldn't be so stressed and depressed. Failing getting a new oh, sit him down and talk honest and openly to him about how he's making you feel.
Men can be ignorant pigs sometimes and he probably doesn't realise what a t**t he's being to you.