how can i have a life while im a dfw?

shamu95

Its monday morning and i'm back at work tonight. Had a big row with oh last night about how much of a mess im in. He says i have dumped all my friends and only care about my debt. He says im very selfish at the moment and he's sick of living with someone who is constanly tired and narky.
He says my debts are the only thing i care about and i need t have thought about it before i got into this state.
I have explained that i cant change the past and that he should respect my decision and help me through this time instead of adding to my stress- got standard response of why should i its your mess!!!!

I am so down about this and cant seem to get out of this mess that is my life. this is my week any suggestions how to improve things?
I have 2 kids 3&4yrs they start playgroup at 9:15 tues-fri i get up at 7am with them OH at work from 6am. i work at the playgroup on a tuesday morning. Also on a tues morn b4 playgroup i drive 15 miles to pick mum up and take to college as getting paid to do so.-i drive her back after playgroup finishs at 12:15.
I work Mon-Thurs eves one shift is 4-11pm the other 3 shifts are 4pm-2:30am. I work sat day 6am-4pm. wed n fri mornings i do avon and try to do some mystery shopping. Mom n thurs i try and do sum ebeying.
Obviously i have 2 kids and a house to look after on top of this and i am streched to the hilt.
By saturday im exhausted and i will admit am not good company-how on earth can i fit in a social life or be happy all the time. If i carry on like this im just gonna be all alone.

I dont want pity and im sorry for the ramble i just need some serious suggestions please?

KittyKate

Firstly, you are not selfish, you are clearly devoted to your kids and worried about your hubby's opinion

You clearly want to sort your debt, but look at it this way. There is only so much you can do. Say you do an hour or so on ebay every few days, avon, mystery shopping etc. There is no reason that after say 7pm each evening you need to be thinking about debt. Take the time to spend time with hubby, have friends over (a £3 bottle of wine won't break the bank),go for walks (if someone can mind the kids) and on Saturdays when you are tired/crabby take a long hot bath and have your husband make you a bit of lunch and a nice cup of tea. I'm sure he won't mind if the reward is a happy wife for the remainder of the day!

You can still have a life when in debt - and I certainly agree with the notion 'the best things in life are free' anyway. HTH

Crown

Hi Shamu.

I know exactly where your coming as my debts seem to have taken control of my social life as well. I hope you wont mind me saying that your B/F sounds a little bit of a plank saying "its your mess". I dont know how old you both are but he sounds very immature with that type of attitude.

I cant really give you any advice but just wanted to let you know you are not the only one going through this. Since I have started to tackle my debts my Social Life seems to be non existant. I have taken on a 2nd job at weekends on top of my fulltime work so work 7 days a week (although instead of working I normally am on here!).

I have missed 3 Group BBQ and I am worried that I may stop getting invited soon. My friends say that they understand that clearing my debts are important to me but shouldnt let them completley control me. I have to say they may have a point as I hace seen my friends probally 3 times in the last 5 Months altohugh I do speak to them on the phone.

One thing that I have done is book a night out with a friend evry two weeks. This consists of a quick pint down the pub or getting a video out and having some dinner.

Im sorry for a long rambling reply but what I think im trying to say is give yourself little treats of nights out. We still need to live our lives as when our debts have gone we might not have a many friends left

Wish you all the best with it

DramaQueen29

I can understand how you feel, money IS the route of all evil! its causing me and my OH more trouble and alomst causing us to seperate on many occassions.
However im lucky in that we both have debt so he understands, i think your OH is not being very understandign at all and he should realise that you need some support through all of this, i sometimes find writing your feelings down in a letter helps , tell him ohw you feel and that your dong it for a reason.
However dont loose outch with friends etc invite them around for coffees etc when you have time so it doesnt cost you much but you get some social time, also friends are great for talking to about things like this.
i hope things get better for you soon

yellowmonkey

Hi.

I think you need to have a different outlook.
Look on the plus side.

You have 2 children. Hard work but very rewarding.
You have a job
You have a home
You have a partner.

I know when i started this it did,and to some extent,does still take up a lot of my time. I think it is i spent so long ignoring my problems that when i decided to sort out my finances i have taken the bull by the horns and am determined to make it work. My OH understands my problem and is supportive. I have recently started to realise however that i need to take my foot off the pedal and enjoy life somewhat.

6 years ago i left my partner for my present one and in doing so i left my social life and all of my friends. I still to this day have no real friends and only socialise with some work collegues. Times were hard and after living in rented accomadation for a period of years we were eventually forced to be homeless for a period of 9 months. This was with 2 children of a very young age. We have now got a council house.

The reason for the above is that i sometimes feel alone,depressed and generally pee-ed off. Then I look at my children,my home and my work and realise that i could be a lot worse off and make some time to enjoy what i have.

You dont know what you have got till its gone.

I know it is hard but try to make some 'you' time even if it is for 20 mins or so


Hope you feel more positive soon and i apologise if i went on a bit.


ym

shamu95

thanks for replys. after 7pm im at work 4 times a week. Im 26 and oh is 31.
I have already lost my bestmate since i started this.
Oh is right it is my goal in life and other things have paled into the background. I get maybe 4hrs sleep a night depending on what time i actually finish work and who i take home when ive finished.
I have no-one to take the kids. feel very much alone. my kids have been babysat 5 times in the 4yrs i have had them and no im not an overprotective parent.
there must be more to life than this.

DramaQueen29

You would think there would be more to life, but debt is ruling many of ours in the UK.

Im 30 just we want a family and to get married but we cant, it might be that we never have children due to our financial state I feel we have ruined our one chance at life. However if we thought like that all the time we would go mental!
Just have to keep going, i think the first thing is trying to make your OH understand about how you feel, and if you can make an hour or so for the both of you during the week to talk, he might be reluctant but if he loves you he will come around.

view

Hi there Shaum95. I'm sorry to hear that you're stuggling just now and how much it is affecting your life. I guess it's just hard sometimes for someone else to understand from your point of view, especially if they haven't been there themselves. Just give your OH time and then choose a moment to re-discuss with him how this is making you feel too.

True friends will understand your predicament and if you can't go to outings just now, how about doing small get togethers at eachother's houses. You can all just make food to bring so it doesn't cost much and you still get to see friends. Do you friends have kids too? Can they not all play together, even down a park whilst you have catch up chats with friends?

It's hard just now and I know it's difficult but just remember that all of this is in the past, NOT in your future. You have accepted the fact that you're in debt and you are doing something about it.

I would feel proud if I was you - times are hard just now but just concentrate on that small chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

Best of luck xx

Idiophreak

This is an interesting question and something I feel can be overlooked at times on DFW...I thought "I want to get through my debt ASAP" so set all of my loans to pay off over a very short period, but didn't really think that much about my quality of life in the meantime.

Being debt free is the goal, clearly, so that you have all your cash to play with...but you have to try and balance it so that you pay back quickly, without making yourself completely miserable to do it.

Thinking of the future's all very well and good, but in my case, it means two years of pretty poor QOL, maybe I'd have been better off going for 2.5 or 3 years and maintaing a better QOL.

Do you *have* to do everything you do in order to cover the payments, or are you trying to push through things as quick as possible?

If the latter, maybe it's worth re-evaluating things and seeing what's really important to you...If you could get by without the saturday job, it would give you a two day weekend to relax and get your strength back, as well as spending an extra day per week with your OH and especially your kids - and when they're so young, that's got to be worth taking a little while longer over the debts...

yellowmonkey

shamu95

It sounds as though you have 2 problems. One is your financial and your other one is that i think you are tired and a tad down.

Is there no one who could have the kiddie winks for an evening so that you and OH can have a night to yourself. It may be what you both need.

ym

joeblack066

Sit him down and make him listen. The debt is not the most important thing to you, your family (him included!) are. But to have a good future, you must tackle this debt. Agree to make some time for each other at least once a week. Romance each other again. Have at least one night a week where you ensure that you are each other's priority, be flirty with him, let him know that you are still the same person that you were when you met, but that you have had to adaot as your levels of responsibility as a family have grown. Romance does NOT need to cost any money btw. Love notes under his pillow, little hand written 'I will do THIS for you' vouchers, his favourite meal served up by candlelight when the kids are in bed. Just make sure you tell him that the romancing need to be a 2 way thing! Good luck!