What should you spend on funeral flowers??

Katyag

DH's Grandma died last night, they were very close then she developed Alzhiemers (sp) and didnt recognise him yet she recognised me (DH and i been together 10 years this year so i did see loads of her).

Hes devasted naturally but he feels he really 'lost' his Grandma years ago, i kind of understand this as been thru something similar.

What makes all this much harder to deal with is FIL, he refuses to have anything to do with DH (long term situation and not resolvable as far as i see). He didnt even call DH to tell him, FIL called BIL in the army in South England (we are North Scotland) and then BIL called DH. So today DH is waiting by the phone to hear from BIL again as to where she is resting, when the funeral is, what the plans are etc.

Im not sure if there will be family cars as there is a large family and quite a few issues (not just ours) so cant see the family all going together, and even if there were cars i doubt DH and I would be included in that so we pretty much think we will be getting there under our own steam which is ok.

But flowers, what should we do? DH is the eldest grandchild (and was by far the favourite) so we presume there wont be an objection to flowers from us. So how much do we spend? We dont want to be stingy but we dont want to look as if we are showing off by spending a lot, there are 4 children so thinking there will be at least 3 sets of flowers from them and then the grandkids, most of which are grown up now too.

Never had any practical help in sorting funerals, always been much younger when ive lost people and my parents or aunt sorted it all.

So should be spend more as DH was the eldest or just a general amount?

Justie

Sorry for your loss. I'd speak to the other siblings if you can as every family does things in different ways - we had no flowers at my gran's except for a big bunch of roses from my grandpa. Similar at my dad's just one bunch from all of us. There's no one way of doing it.

Curious_George_2

I agree with Justie, no two familys handle funerals the same,
as she said i would speak to the others and say "what are we doing about flowers?" some familys like one big arrangement (like letters spelling out 'nan' for example) some like individuals and some dont like flowers at all and think a donation to a charity is more the thing to do,
find out what everone else is doing and if there is a kitty for a big display,

if everyone is doing thier own thing then speak to a florist, they usually have a big book of floral arrangments for you to look through so you could pick what you think is right.

absolutebounder

Justie wrote: »

Sorry for your loss. I'd speak to the other siblings if you can as every family does things in different ways - we had no flowers at my gran's except for a big bunch of roses from my grandpa. Similar at my dad's just one bunch from all of us. There's no one way of doing it.

I agree. just go with your instincts and feelings. Spend what you feel is right and dont worry about other people. Its not a competition but a way of remembering someone.

Katyag

Will suggest to DH he asks his brother when he calls, hes really the only one he has contact with regularly. Not even sure if he will be getting up for the funeral.

The whole FIL thing just makes it so much harder, someone said this might prompt a beginning of sorting things out but knowing FIL i doubt it.

I just hope it goes smoothly enough to let DH say a proper goodbye to his Gran with no problems.

balmaiden

I think its the message you write to your loved one that is important even if it is tied to a single rose.

Queenie

Firstly, sincere condolences!

There are no hard and fast 'rules' on how much you should (or even shouldn't!) spend on funeral flowers. Even a posy of wild flowers for sentimental value could be appropriate if it's symbolic.

Some people prefer that no money is spent on flowers at all but donations be made to a charity - but that is often down to the chief mourners/next of kin who decide.

I do hope your dh does make the journey for the funeral, for his own sake, if nothing else.

Funerals are never 'easy' and don't always bring out the best in others, especially if there is a 'history' there; conversely, as everyone is united in their grief, it could be a moving forward opportunity. There's no telling and it shouldn't be a major factor in whether dh attends. He should go for his own reasons.

Errata

Families are different and funerals are different. I bought my mum a bunch of flowers every week for the last 4 years of her life because she had dementia and really appreciated flowers even when she didn't know who I was. I spent the same amount on a bunch of flowers for her funeral - it was between me and my mum, not something done to impress or edify others. Her son visited her once a year and spent in excess of £100 on a 'floral display' for her funeral. Says it all really, doesn't it.

Curious_George_2

Katyag wrote: »

Will suggest to DH he asks his brother when he calls, hes really the only one he has contact with regularly. Not even sure if he will be getting up for the funeral.

The whole FIL thing just makes it so much harder, someone said this might prompt a beginning of sorting things out but knowing FIL i doubt it.

I just hope it goes smoothly enough to let DH say a proper goodbye to his Gran with no problems.

if your FIL starts, i suggest you have a digified word in his ear, along the lines of "this isnt really the time for petty squabbles....have some respect for xxxx"
if that doesnt shame him into shutting up then tell him your not prepared to argue at this time, he has your phone number if he would like a row at a later date but that your not going to tread on grandmas memory by having a row at her funeral.

and unfortuantly, you have to accept that you just cant please some people and they only seem to be in your life to stir up trouble
(trust me... theres enough of them in my family!!)

Katyag

Curious_George wrote: »

if your FIL starts, i suggest you have a digified word in his ear, along the lines of "this isnt really the time for petty squabbles....have some respect for xxxx"
if that doesnt shame him into shutting up then tell him your not prepared to argue at this time, he has your phone number if he would like a row at a later date but that your not going to tread on grandmas memory by having a row at her funeral.

and unfortuantly, you have to accept that you just cant please some people and they only seem to be in your life to stir up trouble
(trust me... theres enough of them in my family!!)

DH and i spoke about this today, i really dont think FIL would kick off but DH said he did at his Grandas funeral tea afterwards but that was nearly 20 years ago now. If he did say anything DH wouldnt rise to it and would walk away, i keep saying DH is the bigger man anyway so this is another chance to prove it but id like to think that FIL wouldnt kick off at his own mothers funeral.

Katyag

Queenie wrote: »

I do hope your dh does make the journey for the funeral, for his own sake, if nothing else.

Sorry think i have confused you here, the funeral is up here in our town, its BIL im not sure if he will manage to come up.