Fourteen year old with no self esteem

securityguy

I'd echo suki1001. We don't do clothes, both of us slobbing about in Lands End and the like. We don't want our daughters dressed like sluts, but on the other hand dressing so that they feel empowered is important. In our case the discovery was Uniqlo, but wherever you end up, letting your children find their style and feeling confident in their clothes is very important.

mumonashoestring

Providing it is just normal 14 year old dramas and not bullying or any serious problems at school underlying things I would definitely agree with trying to get her to try something that will give her a bit of an endorphin hit (doesn't have to be conventional sports, it could be tai chi, yoga, self defense classes or military fitness sessions in the park!), teamed with a smart new haircut and maybe a session with a cosmetics professional if she wears make-up, some larger Boots and most Debenhams have make-up counters that will do a consultation and help you work out what suits you rather than the usual teenage approach of slathering on whatever they tell you to in Cosmo then wondering why you still don't look like a model and blaming your looks...

bodmil

I'd be wary of a new haircut or style, my hair looks lovely leaving the hair dresser but after a wash I still have a tendancy to throw a strop when I can't style it the same way the day after and just feel worse! Likwise clothes, it always looks ok in the shop mirror but often terrible at home and nothing goes together.

It might be a fun day out but I don't think there's any substitute for real confidence coming from real achievements. I'd also say that a mother can do wonders to develop that real confidence.

PDC

Is she good doing something other than sport or have a hobby or area shes particularly interested in.

Supporting and helping people develop a skill, or talent or just the knowledge to be able do things that other people can't can be a great thing to help develop self worth.

marisco_2

securityguy wrote: »

We don't do clothes, both of us slobbing about in Lands End and the like.

:rotfl:

So how do you cover up then? I bet you turn some heads in Asda.

I am only teasing you I think your post was spot on :T

chrisv24

bodmil wrote: »

Does she do any sport?

Sports are a great way to improve your self-confidence. Basketball did it for me. I wasnt exactly brilliant at it but you have to move, talk to your team and play infront of people. Somehow it really helped me come out of my shell

the_becoming

thebullsback wrote: »

I took myself to the Doctors who put me on happy pills ..........wrong all they did was numb my body and soul .DO NOT involve the medical profession they will just drug you up .
.

I have to take issue with this actually! I have a 14 year old daughter with similar issues and what looked to me like depression. Took her to her GP, got a CAMHS referral and she is having a monthly session with a lovely therapist which is helping loads - and they have rightly (imho) refused to even consider drugs at this stage. Teenage girls are under so much pressure to achieve super high grades as well as to look like models its hardly surprising they are suffering. I agree with the hairdo idea, surely all girls enjoy a bit of pampering!

Good luck with it all, it is so much easier when they are babies!

thunderbird

I don't have a daughter and it is a while since I was 14, but from my memory it is quite common to go through stages like that. I would guess that she is picking up messages from somewhere either directly from people being mean to her or indirectly from looking at magazines and stuff like that.

I am not sure that treating her to a makeover is the answer as that would seem to reinforce her opinion that there is something wrong with how she currently looks. But that is just a thought.

I think more subtle comments on whatever her strengths are could help. Also - do you empathise with her? Are you/the rest of your family very confident people or do you think you could appear that way? Maybe if she realises that everyone has insecurities and most people aren't as confident as they appear she won't feel so bad.

Jojo_the_Tightfisted

Erm...don't you have a lot of difficulties with self esteem?

She has grown up in the environment that led to your own feelings, so perhaps her father's attitudes to women, etc, have affected her as well?


It might not be as simple as a haircut, but needing to talk about the things she has experienced with somebody - maybe seeing the GP will help, as they could refer her for CBT - or the school?

princeofpounds

One thing that is very much likely to help is to get her out of the little box that she lives in.

In my experience people who have only had narrow life experiences can be much more vulnerable to depression because it magnifies the significance of any problems.

For example, if a child gets picked on during PE in a small village primary school, they can easily pick up the idea that everyone hates them. Because 'everyone' is involved.

When in truth it's probably a couple of mean people, for a couple of hours a week, for a brief period of life and it is going to mean diddly-squat in a couple of years time apart from the psychological scars that come with it.

(I realise that's not directly applicable to your daughter's situation, it's only an illustration of the general idea).

So the more you get her to expand her horizons, the less significant any obstacles closer to home will see.

- Take her to new places. Abroad if possible.
- Get her to learn new skills or sports like horseriding or sailing
- Introduce her to new social groups, whether that's youth clubs or whatever
and so on. I mean horizons in the widest sense.

Allow her to do activities that involve (perceived) challenge and risk, because you can only build character by challenging yourself and succeeding.

Keep it gentle at first, it's not boot camp. Anything where she acts independently is great. Stick with anything that's unpopular longer than the first sulk, but if she gives it a good shot and still doesn't want to continue then move on.