Fourteen year old with no self esteem

Maureen43

My fourteen year old daughter tells me she is ugly, self conscious and has no self esteem.:(

I have tried to talk her up a bit but without success.

I think this is perhaps normal for her age - what do you think?

marisco_2

As a teenager I had low self esteem and very little in the way of confidence. Part of it was trying to cope with the changes taking place in me emotionally and physically and keeping check on hormones. It is a real transition period and I think many happy, vibrant, self assured children often go through a wobbly time in their teens.

Peer pressure can suddenly make you painfuly aware of appearance, social skills, relationships. Dealing with change is all part of life but it can be a real learning curve at your daughters age to feel comfy about it all.

One thing that occured to me whilst reading your post is that there may be a chance that your daughter is being bulllied or maybe allienated a little as friendship circles change and shift. This is quite a common occurence as I remember it from my teen years and can really affect how a young person views themselves and how they fit in. My parents just kept reassuring me and were available to me to talk with them whenever I needed to. That is pretty much all you can do, your daugther needs to find her feet at her own pace. I am sure you are a great mum and will guide her through.

bodmil

Does she do any sport?

marisco_2

Good point Bodmill. Excercise releases endorphins which have an effect on a persons feeling of wellbeing. It could also improve your daughters self confidence. Some young people also benefit from joining activity groups such as drama, dance etc.

Maureen43

bodmil wrote: »

Does she do any sport?

No! It is fair to say she isn't sporty :rotfl:

She does belong to other school clubs though, and Guides outside school.

Her friendships are constantly shifting and I can't keep up with who is in favour and who isn't.

bodmil

As above, it's not just the physical benefit but being part of team through good and bad and provides friendships that tend to be more productive and above play ground spats. School is the perfect time to exploit the opportunities on her door step for many sports, is there anything she could get involved in?

As bad as this sounds, make sure the girl guides isn't giving her grief at school.

fawd1

Maureen43 wrote: »

Her friendships are constantly shifting and I can't keep up with who is in favour and who isn't.

This, along with you first post made me think, "well there goes your average 14 year old" I remember being a 14 year old girl very clearly. Friendships shifted on a daily, if not hourly basis, and I thought I was the least attractive person ever to have lived. Which seemed to be the way most of my friends felt about themselves. None of us were actually unattractive. I think what's really really important is to make sure that there is one area in her life of which she can be very proud. So encourage any skills she has. Mine were that I was relatively good at art and drama. So, although I thought I was a troll, I always got a boost when I was involved in those two things. And confidence in one area of your life is catching. Slowly, other areas will seem less important, or she'll learn to have perspective and realise that actually, she's okay.

She seems perfectly normal to me, just keep an eye out and make sure that this lack of confidence (which is worrying but normal) doesn't become a tendency for self destruction (which is not)

beedeedee

Dare I suggest taking her off to a famous hair salon and treating her to a brilliant cut and condition? It can do wonders for a teenage girl's self esteem.

thebullsback

I suffered terribly with low esteem until the age of 23 ,looking back people tried to help me out but I cold shouldered them .
For years my life consisted of going to work coming home then hiding in my bedroom with my music on.
I took myself to the Doctors who put me on happy pills ..........wrong all they did was numb my body and soul .DO NOT involve the medical profession they will just drug you up .
A big change in my life came when I watched a documentary about the way the poor donkeys in Egypt are treat it was horrendous and totally broke my heart ........from that point on I started to live my life knowing that NO matter what I was going through or had to face was nothing compared to what the poor donkeys had to face .
At some point in time I hope your daughter can find her inner strength and beauty .

suki1001

14 - everyone hates you, you're ugly, no-one will ever want to go out with you, your body isn't normal and the world is against you. I remember it well and hated every minute.

I can't think of any books, but I loved to get lost in the Judy Bloom novels. There may be some good books out there, that just might help her identify with things.

I also think a visit to the hairdressers would be a nice idea. There's also Debenhams with the personal shopper, they're free and they I think they have some clothes for teenagers. Might be a naff idea, but it might help her find somethign she feels good in?

londonsurrey

Is there an female adult mentor available (mothers don't count, sorry, because mums are supposed to tell you you're special, so that doesn't count. Lol.), who can spend some one-to-one time with her, enthuse about something together, be it museum trips, chess, kick boxing, etc, and basically just give her a space in which she is special, appreciated, and good at something?