SON STEALING - Advice please

maggiesoup

Hi, I know this isn't really the appropriate site for family problems but I'm at my wits end and don't really want to ask friends &family due to the problem.

I'm a single parent , have a 13 year old son (his dad died befoe he was born) whose just a typical teenager, i.e. wants all the new gadgets around. However, although I'm grateful that his grandfather is sending him to a private school and paying the fees, unfortuately he's surrounded by boys who obviously have far more wealth and material things that I can give him.

I'm only explaining this, because I think this may be at the root of the problem. A couple of days ago I spotted him on Ebay reserving a golf club at £15 (I trusted him with my password, should have known better) I asked him how he was going to pay for it and he said he had some savings. I queried it as I know he's always skint (I give him £15 a month pocket money) but he said he'd been putting a few quid away here and there.

Anyway, last night Idecided to treat us to a chinese take away and was puzzled that I only had one £10 note in my purse when I was pretty sure I should have had two. Something made me go and look in his bedroom and sure enough in his savings bank there was a £10 note. Nothing too sinister, but the serial number was the next to follow the £10 I had in my purse. Too me, that was confirmation that he'd stolen it - and I suspect wanted to use it to pay for this golf club if he won it.

I confronted him about it, telling him I felt sick at the thought that he'd steal from his own mother but he denied the whole thng, swearing on my life that he hadn't.

I just don't know how to handle this situation. I really can't believe the odds of him having a £10 note with a serial number directly after my £10 could be true.

I'm now questioning my parenting skills. Should I be helping him out with a new golf club if perhaps he's the laughing stock for only having old ones? I know kids can be cruel? Can I justify him stealing from me under any circumstances??

I feel so down about it, sad that (a) I've produced a child who would steal from his own mother and (b) that he maybe under such pressure from his peers that he would have to resort to this?

He's away playing golf with my partner (he's never had kids and I feel I just can't tell him about this, which of course is making me feel even worse about the situataion) for a few hours and I would dearly love for any advice so that we can sit down and discuss it tonight.

Thankyou

claireb

Hi Maggiesoup, this is a difficult one but don't beat yourself up. Up until now it has happened once. Lots of teenagers go through a stage a stealing. Although now you have confornted him, he may not try it again, you could do the following...

1) Monitor your cash closely - I know this might be difficult with your own son, but you need hard evidence if you need to confront him about a second attempt.

2) If you can, provide ways in which he can earn the extra cash he feels he needs through chores for you or suggest he does a bit of gardening for the neighbours to top up his pocket money

Good luck

maggiesoup

2) If you can, provide ways in which he can earn the extra cash he feels he needs through chores for you or suggest he does a bit of gardening for the neighbours to top up his pocket money



Thanks Claire, yes have a list of thing pinned bhind the kitchen door that he could do to make extra p money but so far not much happened.

claireb

Typical of teenage boys to be unmotivated - I think they feel such jobs are not worthy of their attention (this continues into adulthood - with my partner anyway!). If he's interested in golf - why not caddy for some extra money? Something must motivate him, its just finding out what it is.......

poe.tuesday

you havenow confronted him so he will be very wary of taking from you again

you should not hide your money, leave it openly infront of him, let him be tempted by it and see if he can control the urge to take it, you have already told him how upset you are about the thought of him stealing from you, now test him and if he does steal from you, if he does then you need to seriously take to him about family values and how you feel that he is putting material objects infront of his own mum's feeling - go for the heart everytime, boys hate that

Sharra

It might sound a little sneaky but how about marking your money with one of those ultraviolet pens, then if you think its happened again, you can have actual proof to confront him with.
And don't blame yourself for this, all teenages do awful things from time to time, its kinda what they are 'supposed' to do.
I agree that the pressure of wealthier peers could be an issue, maybe thats the way to tackle it, ask him whether he does feel the odd one out etc.

hardpressed

Peer presure is always a problem whichever type of school a child goes to. Could you suggest that he sells some of his out-grown things on ebay to make some money to pay for his golf clubs?

Vashti

Personally, I would make a bit of a fuss about it - you don't want him thinking this behaviour is 'acceptable' or un punishable, and the next thing you know he is being accompanied home by a policeman having been caught stealing elsewhere.

I would sit him down, tell him how disappointed (works better than angry) you are with him, look him right in the face and ask him to be completely honest with you. My teenage son lies to me, and I can always tell, (hand over the mouth, no eye contact.) Tell him if he is completely honest, you can work through it and try to ensure he has access to more of the things he possibly feels he needs to fit in with his peers.

If he still insists he didn't take the tenner you have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

If he admits to it, give him a big hug, tell him how proud you are of him for coming clean and ask him what you can do to help him with the problem.

Tell your partner...a problem shared and all that. He would probably hate for you to be worrying on your own.

And change your eBay password.

Smashing

How much time had elapsed between you giving him his pocket money and the 'stealing' incident? Also, how often do you take money out?
It is possible that the £10 was from his pocket money and had the next serial code if it came from the same cash withdrawl as the one still in your purse.

mummysdragon

This is a difficult and tender subject for me too. about 8 / 9 yrs ago my son and HIS so called friends stealed money and sentimental jewelery from me.
If you son has stolen for golf clubs, thank your lucky stars its not for drugs i.e cannabis. ...the later is a nightmare to deal with.

The situation got so bad here my son went to live 120 miles away at my brothers for 3 months. During this time my brother took him round all the areas where down and outs and druggies were, to see what he was letting himself in for. This shock treatment worked, he came back a different lad, his "friends" had moved on to others, and then we decided to move house ourselves to give him and his sister the best chance we could. It worked.
Having children is not easy, they didn't come into this world armed with a book on how to parent properly.

This is what I did to prevent stealing.

Got a safe. All jewelery and money went in there, plus any of his valuables....eg hand held games.

I didn't have a computer at the time but I would have changed passwords.

Banned his friends from our home and all phone calls.

Gave him special time with us, so he had attention.

Got him a paper round, but helped him with his money, so when he got paid I would take him to say Sports Shops, and topped up his wages so he could buy something nice.

Tried to show him that money can't buy everything in life, some things have to be worked for and trust is one of them.

Most of all we told him we loved him, although disapointed and upset that he could do this to us.

There were many family members and friends that told us to kick him out, this is something I could never do. My son is now nearly 24, (although out of work) he lives with his partner, and now I let them get on with their lives, but even now his expensive jewelery which he got for his 21st...guess where it is??? Yep my safe!!! and the reason it's there is because they live in a rough area, and he does not want it stealing from him.

Sorry for the long post, but this was one that hit home.

joeblack066

I agree that having confronted him about this, because you have no proof, you have to give him the benefit of the doubt this time. I went through similar with my ex partners son. Personally, I would mark your notes in future, then for the moment NOT hide your stuff away, and give him the chance to be trusted. He will appreciate this if indeed he did not take the money. If more goes, you will have your proof and will be able to address it appropriately.