Thinking of moving in with other man- am I mad?

BWZN93

I dont think that moving in with someone else striaght away is a good idea regardless of whether you need time to grieve for the old relationship, you may well be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

From what you have said, the relationship you are currently in is dying rapidly, and only you can decide whether you want to try and work on it or call it a day. After this I think its a good idea to work on your security - financially and emotionally, making sure that you and your daughter are safe for the long term irrespective of whether you are in a relationship. Yeah, you could see the other guy but I do think you should allow that to develop before deciding to move in with someone or you could well be saying the same things in 6 months time.

I speak from the experience of being the (eldest) daughter in a situation like this and constant upheavals are not cool for children to experience. No matter what her age is, you need to ensure that her emotional and financial security is paramount or you will have a heck of a lot of trouble when she is older. Sorry to be so blunt, I really think a change needs to be made in your life but you need to ensure that you dont end up in a situation like this again!


Jo x

MortgageMamma

I think that the man from your work is despicable for playing on your vunerability. He can clearly see that you are struggling - and I find it odd that you have not said he said he loves you in the bit about moving in etc etc?

At the beginning you paint quite a good picture of your partner. I am the last person who can comment on fidelity, or on what makes a good or bad partner but I have come to learn through my mistakes that jumping in with both feet and searching for perfection only leads to hurt and disappointment for all involved.

I agree with everyone else here, you should cut out the other bloke and concentrate on the one you are with until you know things can't be improved. Lets look at the positive side. You have a lovely child, a good job that you like, a nice home and a partner who is working his nuts off to create a better life for you. It could be a lot worse.

You sound lonely to me, and a bit emotionally starved (I'm not having a go I've been there myself - I walked away from my first husband when my child was 18 months old for these same reasons). I'd concentrate on building up some really good friends and chip away at your fella slowly, if its doesnt work give him an ultimatum - one would hope that he would realise he was working for nothing if the people he's working for are going to leave.

belfastgirl23

Oh dear your situation sounds really miserable.

It sounds to me like your DH might be struggling with fatherhood a bit? Or maybe more so with being depended on. It sounds like you were both leading pretty independent lives before but all that changes with a baby. I do sort of sympathise with this a bit, it must be a huge adjustment. It sounds to me like he is trying to take some responsibility but in the way that he feels comfortable, which is by earning more money. In one way this is a good sign, it isn't that he doesn't care, just that he is putting those feelings in the wrong place.

I agree with changkra that you should try attending relate. I think you probably should tell your DH that you are considering whether your relationship has a future - if you're considering a relationship with someone else (which BTW don't do it, he doesn't sound like much of a catch!) then you owe it to him to tell him clearly that it isn't just that you're unhappy but that you aren't sure about a future with him. Often these types of discussions become fights where one partner thinks the other is being unreasonable and maybe you need to say it as clearly as that.

The other thing I'm wondering about (although these things do become linked to emotions I know) is whether it's worth thinking about getting a cleaner or using a local laundrette for washing etc, if you can afford it? Lifting a bit of pressure that way too might help you. I know it doesn't address the underlying issues but might make you feel at least that not everything is down to you.

From what you said in your message it sounds to me like you don't want to end your marriage but you need it to improve.

Good luck with it all.

Errata

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it's how I read your description of what your life is like. If you only see your OH for 15/30 minutes a day it seems to me that you actually haven't got a relationship with each other. Only you can decide what you want to do about this.

Jet

OP - Your post really struck a chord with me.

I had a partner exactly like him, and in fact I left my husband to be with him. It was a huge mistake and I spent many years trying to find the emotional strength to be on my own. When everything seems bleak in your marriage, it's so easy to think the other guy who's giving you some attention will make things "better". It won't - I guarantee it.

Like you, the only time I would get with my partner was when he was eating (he was a sitting duck!). He would eat his dinner, have a bath and go straight to bed night after night. But he would get up 2 hours earlier than he needed to and listen to the radio for 2 hours in the morning when he knew I would be asleep. All weekend he would either work or play his sport. He too would tell me that he worked hard to provide for us (which wasn't true anyway as he kept his money separate) and that he was "entitled to a life" when he went out playing sport at the weekend or being in the pub all Sunday.

The effect on my self esteem of being with him was awful and when I finally did get the courage to leave him, I honestly believed I had nothing to offer anyone. Luckily I never had a child with him. although we both had children from our previous marriages.

I would tell him how you feel or write him a letter - tell him you need family time. It's not optional for you and if you don't get it, you will finish the relationship.

Personally I think he is frightened of something - my ex has since admitted this. Its probably the commitment and responsibility - so he buries himself in his work and convinces himself that he's "doing his bit".

I wish you luck, its a horrible place to be.

Edited to say: I managed to move on from him by improving my life, by spending more time with friends and taking on more hobbies etc. I learnt to fill my life without him so that when I did finally decide to go, I had other emotional support available.

MortgageMamma

OP, how are you getting on? have you spoken to your partner yet? have you decided how you will tackle the issue?

MM x