Thinking of moving in with other man- am I mad?

that's_another_fine_mess!

I apologise for the length of this post and for logging on as a new user but, as a regular Member, I am ashamed and don't want to be recognised.

I'm a 30 year old mum with a year old daughter and a partner of over 10 years. I love him dearly, he's nice looking, he's extremely good in bed and he can be funny and good company but he works all the hours under the sun (almost literally) and when he isn't working he plays sport for a local pub team (1-2 nights per week), so I very rarely see him. I have a part-time professional job which is very well paid and which took me a long time to become qualified- we could live on my wages if we had to. I do Everything in the house (which I'm struggling to keep up with) and run his business. We have a good quality of life financially but no quality of life emotionally.

Until I had my daughter I lived for my job and also worked round the clock. We didn't see each other much then but it didn't seem to matter so much and we got on well when we did see each other. My pregnancy was very much my responsibility (although it was his idea to have a baby- I was quite happy as I was) and he was very unsupportive. The first few months of the baby's life were the loneliest time I have ever had and I thought about just walking out every day (taking her with me, as I love her more than anything) and leaving everything (including the house, all my things and mountains of washing, ironing etc. which seem to have grown out of nowhere).
I hardly ever see my partner now. Although we live together and he works from an outbuilding at home he only sees us for 15-30 minutes per day, whilst he eats his tea, and then he comes in after I've gone to bed. We have people calling at the house all the time wanting work done, and most nights he has someone working with him so my spending time out there isn't really an option. This happens 6-7 days per week. He knows how lonely I feel but insists he is working so hard to improve our lifes and will not cut down. we don't need the money that badly in my opinion (I paid our mortgage off so we're £800 per month better off, and we have good savings). I'm sure he loves the baby now but he never spends time on his own with her and is very, very strict (partly with her but also with the dog who spends most of his time cowering from him which I find abhorrent). He also swears and shouts at the dog in front of the baby sometimes which i find upsetting and can't be good for her.

Now, to make matters worse, I think I am falling in love with someone I come into contact with through work. This man has been friends with me for years but, due to the nature of my job, I have had to meet him on the quiet (any relationship outside work would be considered an unprofessional relationship and would almost certainly mean that I had to leave). He is quite a bit older than me, a real flirt and has been in a serious long-term relationship with a married woman until recently. I've always liked him and used to daydream about us getting together although I had slight reservations as I think he is probably a bit selfish and could possibly be controlling. I slept with him once, a few years ago, but it wasn't great. (That is the only time I've ever even thought about being disloyal to my partner.) He has now announced that he knows I'm unhappy at home and he wants me to move in with him as he's fed up with being on his own. He says he will take my daughter in too, as if she's his own and will pay for her to attend a private school etc, and i am so tempted, although I'm scared that I'll have to give up my job and goodness knows what else I can do that will pay a similar amount. I just don't know what to do. I feel sick even thinking about the hurt that I could cause my partner and our families but the situation at home is spiralling downwards out of control and some days I find I sit and sob and am so depressed and I have no one to talk to. I am terrified that if I go to him, this man's womanising ways will resurface and I'll be hurt and so will my daughter but if I don't, nothing will change and I'll resent my partner. I know I stand to lose my partner and probably my house, as I couldn't bring myself to force a sale as it's his livlihood as well as his home. Please, please help.

maverickangel

Right ((((hugs)))) first.
Forget about the womanising bit of controlling older man totty from work. Waste of time and you're only considering him coz you're desperate. This is completely the wrong time to be jumping from the frying pan into the fire.

Talk to your partner.
Be clear about how you want things to improve, and what specific things you feel you could both change to make the relationship work.
Try and listen to what he has to say as well - there may be issues which he has which he hasn't felt able to talk to you about.

To be honest alarm bells ring when u tell me he is very strict with your child and the dog. I feel you need to be extremely clear about how inappropriate and disturbing you find his behaviour and that it needs to stop. You shouldn't be frightened of how he will act in particular situations. If he feels unable to change in this respect (or if he doesn't want to change / doesn't feel there is a problem, or tells you it's you / the dog / your child which makes) him act in this way) then you should strongly consider ending the relationship - a relationship where fear is a dominant element isn't a good one IMHO.

Finally, get some help with the housework if you need it (a cleaner / ironing service or whatever can work wonders), and make sure you have abit of time to spend with friends / your child / any other me time.

There are a number of agencies which can help in situations like this, but I would think the first step is to talk things through with your partner and see where you both end up.

Best of luck mav xx

Sarahjovi

Talk to your partner, if you can't, write him a letter, pretty much the same as you've written above, but edit out the bits about the other man! He needs to see that you're unhappy! Before you do anything rash, give your partner a chance to change things! Good sex is worth hanging on to in my opinion!:o :j

Sarah:D

Jo6673

Dont rush from 1 bloke to another- if you must leave spend some time alone before moving in with another

that's_another_fine_mess!

Thank you all so much! I love MSE'ers, you're all so kind and lovely. I thought I'd get a real rollicking for even thinking about leaving with a child in tow, and I've been too scared to even think about writing down how I feel. I seem to have accidentally started two threads so I'm going to respond more fully on the other one. Thank you all XXX

poe.tuesday

your head is not clear, if you do not want to be with your partner then don't be with him, but leave him because it's not working, not because there is someone else about.

given that you have been together for 10 years do you not think that it is at least worth talking about, you have a child together so there is more to loose, let him know how you feel

if you don't love him then that's a different issue, but you have not said that, it just seems that your don't spend time together, if that was sorted would you be happy? if the answer is still 'no' then you have to look at what is making you want to leave, if it's because of the amount of time he feels he has to work to get money then just remind him that the richest of children/families are those who have time, money is not important in the grand scale of things.

Your feelings for this other man are clouding the issue, sort out what is happening at home, if it crumbles then you can look towards this other man but finish one thing first before starting another, sometimes the other man option is just the easy option, nothing wrong in taking the easy option but is it one based on truth

Doozergirl

The grass is always greener

You need to tell your partner what you're telling us. At least that way he knows what you are thinking and can change; or not. It may take the ultimatum for him to make the effort and realise what he might lose. It sounds like he's not a bad man and he probably thinks he's doing it all for you and will wonder why you aren't appreciative!

Fantasising about someone else is fine while it's in your head, but the reality would be very different. Please don't allow this man (who will always be a womaniser!) to alter the natural course of events.

You do owe it to your daughter and your partner to force a head-to-head here. You can't give up without fight or explanation.

Good Luck :kisses3:

tosca5

The grass always seems greener on the other side!

You need to openly discuss your feelings with your partner (missing out the part of this other man) who in my opinion possibly will be a bad move.
After opening up about your loneliness and what you want out of your relationship i'm sure your partner will try harder. If not then you need to think about time on your own, i would not leave him because this other man is making promises to you.

I was in a similar scenario, spent a best part of a year constantly telling him i was lonely. Wanted him to take more a role with the children, did he listen? did he hell. I'm now a single mum and very happy and wouldn't consider entering into another relationship even if i was promised the moon.

Please think hard about this.

MonkeySaving?

tosca5 wrote: »

The grass always seems greener on the other side!
QUOTE]

Astonishingly, it is!

changkra

Jo6673 wrote: »

Dont rush from 1 bloke to another- if you must leave spend some time alone before moving in with another

I would agree with this as you need time to grieve for the ending of one relationship before starting another.

One things that would help is the possibility of going to Relate for some counselling, they would be able to sort out the problem your husband has with his controlling side, which is more than likely that he is trying to control you to stop you from even leaving him, he probably really does love you but is showing it the wrong way.

ailuro2

Forget the older guy- that would put you in an unstable relationship.He's a non starter. Having been with your partner 10 years and slept with him a few years ago I'd jump to the conclusion that trouble has been brewing longer than just the past few months...

Is your OH working hard to compete with you- you say 'I' paid off the mortgage 'I' run 'his' business.You both need to set aside a little time each day to talk and unite yourselves as a team.
Yes,the first year with a child is REALLY tough on even the strongest of relationships- I felt my DH didn't understand the instant love I had for my dd, and he was pretty bewildered about how to look after her, all he wanted was to do everything right for her, which we know now doesn't happen with babies easily. Once she started to talk it got a whole lot easier.:D

Do you want to live without your OH? that is thequestion you have to ask and answer truthfully.If the answer is no then you BOTH have to start working very hard.