Unlucky in Love

suburbanwifey

Speaking as someone who is in her 40's, been married 25 years to the same man now (2nd marriage) and had lots of boyfriends, I can give you some advice.

My first husband, I married him at 18, I divorced him at 20. I then went on a 2 year binge of men, drink, going out, being a female version of a male fool. I had a grudge against men, my first hubby hurt me a lot and destroyed my faith in men, marriage and all that kind of stuff. I dated a lot, cheated on some of them, dated 2 at a time, was quite bad! but I got it out of my system and made rules for the rest of my life. I decided what I wanted, what I would put up with and yes, I did make a mental list. During that 2 years I got engaged twice but later broke it off (no faith in marriage back then) and I still have my collection of engagement rings LOL - everyone I dated wanted to marry me for some reason, no idea why but then I met someone I didn't like on first meeting, yet ended up married to him 3 months later. We celebrated our 25th anniversary last year. Why does it work? because I set rules for what I wanted and he decided to meet them and I think you have to look beyond romance and passion as that is not the only glue that binds a couple to give you what you seek. Having the same life goals, both being committed to being married and staying married, no cheating or you loose everything (whoever does it etc.) Me and my hubby have very little in common to be honest. I am quite loud, he's shy. I'm a bit flamboyant, he's happiest in grey and black and blending in. We both have strong personalities but he gives in whereas I don't, so we match there. If he didn't give in, we'd get nothing sorted out haha.

Up your game, up your standards, I put up with no nonsense that I am unhappy with. I voice my wants, needs loudly if need be and I am more than happy to issue ultimatums. I have never had trouble with keeping a man to be honest, and I think one of the main reasons for that is that I have high standards and I expect them to be kept. If you don't value yourself why should anyone else value you? Hubby and I depend on each other for everything, we share everything (nothing is his, or mine, its all ours) we each have our own job (I look after everything) he ensures we are kept in a standard to which we have become accustomed. You could say that as well as loving each other, being childishly romantic with each other still after 25 years (he spoils me all the time and me him) we have a good business arrangement. I have taught him a lot, he has taught me a lot. You need to stop settling for 2nd best and go for the best. Decide what you want and seek it out. A junkie isn't worth your time, they lie, cheat, steal from you if you let them into your life and then they take your self respect. You'll never be happy, secure or wealthy with a junkie tied to you. What is there to love ?? if he loved you, he'd ditch the drugs. My hubby ditched drink for me a week after meeting, because he wanted me more than to drink. He's kept that promise 25 years because I insist he does or I am gone, see? stand up, be counted, set rules and be ruthless in keeping them. He takes drugs, get out of my life!! should be the way you think.

There are lots of great men out there looking for a loving, secure, exciting future with you. Dust yourself off, go catch one x

Ilona

I am 63 and have never been married. Why? Because I wont settle for second best. Oh, I've been out with a few wrong 'uns, but got out pretty quickly when I spotted the warning signs.

OP, enjoy your freedom, you are your own person and you can do what the hell you like. Let your head rule your heart, and don't do it again. Have a happy life, with the right man, but if you don't find him, have a happy life anyway.
Ilona

suburbanwifey

southcoastrgi wrote: »

most women like "bad boys" & then moan about the very thing that they were attracted to in the first place, there are nice guys out there, but as much as you say you want a nice guy you don't really, some of you girls really need to make your minds up, you can't have a bad boy & a nice guy in the same person.

but good on you for dumping the scumbag

I agree with you on that! The man I married 25 years ago was definitly a bad boy and when I met him, that is exactly what I was wanting - to have fun with, not to marry! I had definite types, the type to play with and the type to settle down with. On my two year man hating binge of fun I played with the bad boys, they suited my style at the time. When one of my bad boys asked me to marry him 1 week after meeting I explained that men like him were for two things and one of them was fun, no way would I settle down with a guy who drinks, fights and did the job that he did (he was a hard drinking, often fighting, bad reputation-ed Soldier and he deserved his bad reputation LOL but he was great in the sack and had abs of steel so he was fun for what I wanted at the time. When he was trying to talk me into marrying him I told him what I wanted in a husband and he wasn't it, he was just for fun! His face was a picture, he told me I was like a guy having attitudes like that :rotfl:but you know, over the next 3 months he decided to change to meet my requirements as he wanted to marry a girl like me, especially the first female who had ever stood up to him. He stopped drinking (and he was almost alcoholic) stopped fighting and trying to kill everyone who annoyed him and learnt to argue without his fists (we did nothing but argue that first 3 months) I married a bad boy and he turned into a very good husband - didn't drink, never gambled, always fetched home every penny he has ever earned for me and he's made all my dreams come true (I'm talking serious dreams, not silly one's) He was poor when we met, I came from a more well off background, he worked his way up the ladder to be a top rate tax payer. All that he did to get me to marry him, impress me, and keep me married to him.

Some bad boys are worth the time and the chance. I definitely wanted to change my bad boy but he also wanted to change, so he did.

Grassy_Knollington

Another MSE'r from Marriage, Relationships & Families. Finds herself on Lonely Street, staying at Heartbreak Hotel.

suburbanwifey

Grassy_Knollington wrote: »

Another MSE'r from Marriage, Relationships & Families. Finds herself on Lonely Street, staying at Heartbreak Hotel.

You're talking about the OP here like she is small and pititful. You obviously are not very smart sunshine as the OP posting here shows a depth of character you probably don't possess and a strength and determination to change her situation by asking for advice and help.

Lonely street? I don't think the OP will be or is on Lonely Street, I think she's turned down a road heading in a good direction with great things at the end of it.

marisco_2

Grassy_Knollington wrote: »

Another MSE'r from Marriage, Relationships & Families. Finds herself on Lonely Street, staying at Heartbreak Hotel.

:rotfl::rotfl:

Staying true to form I see. You wish the OP would vist Heartbreak Hotel on Lonely Street, then you might have some company.