Unlucky in Love

julie2710

Been there too! I had a wry smile to myself when I read your list as I know the feeling. I've been married twice as well. First when I was 21, he hit me on the second day of our honeymoon. Had never done it before. I forgave him and endured a further 2 and a half years of abuse before getting out.
A year later dated my then boss for just over a year! He was told to "knock it on the head" when the manager found out and the spineless idiot did, then spent the next few months telling me how much he regretted it!
Stayed single pretty much for a few years moved away and met a lovely guy who I found out after three months was married:eek:
Single for a year or so again then set up on a blind date. Was with him for 10 years and had two boys via IVF (he had fertility issues) then he cheated on me. I found out 3 weeks before I was due to give birth:eek:
In the last four years I dated someone for a few months who tried to con me out of money. I'm just escaping a relationship which has been going on for the last 7 months as he had been separated but his wife has now decided she wants him back. I'm gutted as we got on so well and what's making it harder is his refusal to walk away from me and leave me be
I think I need to start buying cats now in preparation for my old age

GreatBigBookcase

Ah Jo, what a tough time for you. You're definitely doing the right thing though. I once read something along the lines of: the important thing in a relationship is not how someone feels about you, but it's how they make you feel about yourself. Your man might love you, but if he makes you feel bad about yourself, or makes you doubt your own sanity, then he's not the right man for you to be with. A loving, supportive partner makes you feel like the best person you could possibly be. Do you know what I mean?

hazyjo wrote: »

I wanted children. I'm 42. It just ain't gonna happen.

And re what you said about children - there's more than one way to make a family.

Oh, and the checklist thing, it's not a bad idea at all. Maybe just don't see it as a clinical tick box checklist, more a visualisation of your ideal man. At the risk of sounding totally airy-fairy, I'm going to admit that I read The Secret after splitting up with a boyfriend and it really helped me stay positive. I'm ordinarily a very pragmatic and practical person, so was a bit cynical when a friend suggested it, but the basic premise of the law of attraction really makes sense to me. Whatever you put out there, you get back...so try not to see yourself as unlucky in love, because, like someone else mentioned, these things become a self-fulfilling prophesy. So, rather than seeing a check-list as a clinical, non-romantic exercise, see it as yourself just visualising different aspects of your ideal man and putting it out there, into the universe. I know it sounds silly to some people, but if nothing else, you're at least clarifying in your own mind what it is that you want/need from a man/relationship and if that's very clear in your own head then you might start noticing those positive aspects in the men around you and seeing potential where you've never noticed it before and be able to more easily rule out the potentials that don't have the qualities that you want/need.

Hope you've had a great night out with your friends tonight.

mum2one

Your a strong person, you got out of the relationship, I know theres a lot of a!!e holes out there, but theres also genuine people, always its usually round a long corner.

Like you i've had disasters of relationships, made mistakes, but i'm hoping that those mistakes have made me stronger, and if or when I meet someone there going to be the right person, as the old saying goes you have to kiss a lot of frogs before you meet a prince! xx

southcoastrgi

most women like "bad boys" & then moan about the very thing that they were attracted to in the first place, there are nice guys out there, but as much as you say you want a nice guy you don't really, some of you girls really need to make your minds up, you can't have a bad boy & a nice guy in the same person.

but good on you for dumping the scumbag

Caroline_a

I had a series of 'wrong 'uns' like you. No druggies, but one alkie, which I guess is the same sort of problem. I did have 3 lovely girls during my 2 marriages, who, now that they are all grown up can see exactly why I left their fathers (they had regular contact but, as I was, have been let down multiple times)

However, I now live on my own with my two fantastic dogs. And I've never been happier! I can plan my own life, do what I want, when I want, control my own finances and make my own decisions. Friends often say to me 'you'll find someone else' to which my answer is 'I sincerely hope not!' I miss someone to do the high stuff (light bulbs, etc), someone to do the heavy stuff, and that's it. And even those I get around because I have lovely daughters and their fab men to help me, even though I don't ask very often.

Some things are meant to be, enjoy your freedom!

January20

I haven't read the other replies so apologies if I'm repeating something, but looking at the breakdown of your relationship history, the thing that strikes me is that you don't take a break between boyfriends? So:

- Are you choosy enough or do you just go from man to man because you like to be in a relationship?

- Have you thought about spending a little bit of time on your own, lick your wounds, reconnect with yourself as a single entity and not always part of a couple?

System

Hazyjo at least you didnt settle for second best.

Thats always something to be thankful for.

ValHaller

southcoastrgi wrote: »

most women like "bad boys" & then moan about the very thing that they were attracted to in the first place, there are nice guys out there, but as much as you say you want a nice guy you don't really, some of you girls really need to make your minds up, you can't have a bad boy & a nice guy in the same person.

but good on you for dumping the scumbag

Lot of truth in that, although I think it is a bit inside out. I think that rather than going for the bad boys, a lot of women reject the nice guys for being too boring or something and hope to find a nice guy inside a bad boy, but end up disappointed

ERICS_MUM

IMO, love isn't enough for a happy, balanced and long lasting relationship.

It sounds very unromantic and callous but I think it's necessary to look for "red flags" quite early on after meeting someone, as 999 times out of a 1000 the person is happy how he/she is and has no intention to change.

You can then decide which of these, if any, are deal breakers now or could be down the line when you enter more responsibility and commitment (e.g. property, finances, children and general lifestyle). I'm sure many people have happy relationships even with major diffs but I've always tried to avoid them !

Perhaps this is why I've been single for years !

coinxoperated

Best advice ever given to me when I was seemingly attracting all the 'wrong' sort of men...

'Love them, but love yourself more'

It took me a while to figure this out. It's not about being selfish or being demanding. It's about knowing what someone's actions are that can affect your mental / emotional health. If something's cause your brain to kick up a storm and to raise your anger or annoyance levels and can be avoided, avoid them! Be cynical and harsh. If you know it's not quite right after a week, just end it. It's so much easier in the long run.

Using this, I've been with my current bf for 3 years and although we have the usual petty annoying things (he won't put his socks in the laundrette basket!!!!) its the best relationship I've been in.

Putting yourself first is important. After all, who else will care how bad your heart feels when it mucks up?