Do I deserve this for being a b!tch?

Lola.rose_2

Hi,
I really need some advice on a situation, it's being going around too long in my head and I'd really appreciate some advice from a fresh wise perspective.
First of all, I'll admit to being a bad person, i moan, I whinge and I !!!!!, don't want to decieve anyone by acting all innocent.
I'm 16, and I attend a college. I'm incredibly bad at making friends, I just seem to have a personality that is too quiet for some people, I'm not very outgoing or exciting.
I've been friends with 3 girls since School, lets say Nat, Nita and Nancy. Me, Nat and nancy are really close, Nita has a long history with Nat and a lot of common ground with nancy. They never hung out together at school, as we were in separate groups, but now we're in college there doesn't seem to be a lot of choice.
I dislike Nita I'll admit, for good reason in my opinion she has a consistently aggressive nature, swearing stating she wants to stab people albeit jokingly etc, but she always there to highlight my mistakes and make fun of me if i accidentally do something stupid. She has bouts of being bearable but she will make sure she announces how nice she always is.
Generally shes much kinder to nancy and Nat so they simply see the bad in her as part of a character a more joky side of her.
Today she made me promise in front of the others not to tell anyone something, and she said that someone had said I was constantly !!!!!ing, (when I do this mostly I do it lightheartedly and I state this) and said I should stop !!!!!ing so much. If she she said it in a more tactful manner, I would've been less offended.
I said that perhaps the person in question was referring to how grumpy I tend to be in the mornings, as this is when I am with that person.
She then went on to state that she agreed and i was alwabutch thing and started to verbally attack me bringing up occasions when I'd said something about someone, it was mostly a light comment about an ugly car.
I knew not to get into an argument with her as it shows me up in a bad light with the others and she gets away unscathed even if she initiated it. I said I'd just let her continue, but we can all be !!!!!y at times, bringing up a time she'd branded someone as stinky.
She continued to go on and on, stating occasions some as far back as the previous year.
I went quiet, I'm quite sensitive and it was probably evident I was quite teary, she then resumed normal conversation with the others, who had remained quiet for this period with a smirk on her face as if nothing had happened. I stayed quiet for another half hour as she chatted incessantly with the other 2.
I really dont want to break it off with nancy and Nat as ive never related to them as well as anyone else, we share the same views and I enjoy being with them. They're probably the closest friends I've ever had. But I hate how they're willing to be too nice and never stick up for me in terms of nita. Part of me thinks even if they thought it was mean of her, they're too scared to correct her. It's the same sort of situation when I was bullied they just remained quiet
I know its a long rambly post and I probably don't deserve to rant when there's worse happening out there, but I don't knw what to do tommorow, we'll all be tommorow together and I don't want to let Nita win by giving up my 2 best friends.
I really can't make friends so please don't suggest that, my college is quite select and I've not made any friends in my classes so friendship groups have already formed.
I don't know how to act tommorow, it'll probably be ignored just as it has been in the past, but I'm fed up of this...

Please help

Lola rose

fluffnutter

You can be friends perfectly easily with Nat and Nancy (why did you call them all 'N's? ) regardless of whether they're friends with Nita or not. It's not some little gang and you can only join if you like everyone else.

TBH, as dismissive as this sounds... you're 16. This is what it's like to be a 16 year old girl. None of it's in the least important the older you get. Spend time with Nat and Nancy. If Nita's there, who cares? Just ignore her.

Artytarty

Just carry on, maybe wind your neck in a bit for a while. This will all seem ancient history by next week:)

Lola.rose_2

fluffnutter wrote: »

You can be friends perfectly easily with Nat and Nancy (why did you call them all 'N's? ) regardless of whether they're friends with Nita or not. It's not some little gang and you can only join if you like everyone else.

TBH, as dismissive as this sounds... you're 16. This is what it's like to be a 16 year old girl. None of it's in the least important the older you get. Spend time with Nat and Nancy. If Nita's there, who cares? Just ignore her.

I've struggled most of my life with friendships and the one time I think I've cracked them, Nita starts being an issue. I'd like to say she was never like this but I think I'd never spent enough time with her before hand to determine this. I hate how self righteous she is always quoting religious texts, and making me feel bad for moaning etc, when she never seems to put in practice what she preaches

Nita dominates the group it'd be impossible to ignore her, she apologies to nancy and Nat if she interrupts them so seems polite but has !!!!!ed to me about Nat which I didn't take part in but listened to(evil I know)

Part of me is extremely angry with Nat and nancy for being such pushovers...they let her get away with murder but are quick to point out my misgivings.

I know im only 16, but they're girls I expected to still have 20 years from now.....:(

Lola.rose_2

Artytarty wrote: »

Just carry on, maybe wind your neck in a bit for a while. This will all seem ancient history by next week:)

I know, but I'm fed up of allowing it all to be forgotten. Nita will probably catalogue this for ever and use it to smite me in the future. Friendships were so much simple without her :mad:

belfastgirl23

I think take what you can out of this. Is there any truth in what she said about how you speak about other people? If so, then even though she might not have intended to do you a favour, she has done so. She's given you a chance to think about how you behave and do something about it. It's ok to be a bit raw about it right now, that's only human. But if you try to consciously turn it into a learning experience you will feel better about it much faster.

BTW if I read this right and she said this to you in front of the others and they didn't stand up for you, it's cos they basically agree.

Lola.rose_2

belfastgirl23 wrote: »

I think take what you can out of this. Is there any truth in what she said about how you speak about other people? If so, then even though she might not have intended to do you a favour, she has done so. She's given you a chance to think about how you behave and do something about it. It's ok to be a bit raw about it right now, that's only human. But if you try to consciously turn it into a learning experience you will feel better about it much faster.

BTW if I read this right and she said this to you in front of the others and they didn't stand up for you, it's cos they basically agree.

I admit to being !!!!!y, I just don't think she has the right to berate me for this when she has said far worse, without qualified reason about perfectly nice people she hardly knows. SHes !!!!!ed about Nat, and then later said to me I was wrong to when I hardly had any input in that conversation. She tells me I depress her.

When I admit to saying b***chy comments, I mean !!!!!y as in talking behind someone's back about them for example saying so and so is mean based on what they've done, rather than saying something is ugly, stupid dumb etc.

I know that is wrong too, but saying someone is mean for being nasty to me is not quite the same as calling them derogatory names

fluffnutter

Lola.rose wrote: »

I've struggled most of my life with friendships and the one time I think I've cracked them, Nita starts being an issue. I'd like to say she was never like this but I think I'd never spent enough time with her before hand to determine this. I hate how self righteous she is always quoting religious texts, and making me feel bad for moaning etc, when she never seems to put in practice what she preaches

Nita dominates the group it'd be impossible to ignore her, she apologies to nancy and Nat if she interrupts them so seems polite but has !!!!!ed to me about Nat which I didn't take part in but listened to(evil I know)

Part of me is extremely angry with Nat and nancy for being such pushovers...they let her get away with murder but are quick to point out my misgivings.

I know im only 16, but they're girls I expected to still have 20 years from now.....:(

1. How Nat and Nancy deal with Nita is entirely their own affair.

2. As the fabulous Eleanor Roosevelt said 'No one can make you feel inferior without your consent'.

Honestly, you need to take a step back and stop letting this Nita dominate how you feel about yourself.

thorsoak

Lola.rose wrote: »

I admit to being !!!!!y, I just don't think she has the right to berate me for this when she has said far worse, without qualified reason about perfectly nice people she hardly knows. SHes !!!!!ed about Nat, and then later said to me I was wrong to when I hardly had any input in that conversation. She tells me I depress her.

When I admit to saying b***chy comments, I mean !!!!!y as in talking behind someone's back about them for example saying so and so is mean based on what they've done, rather than saying something is ugly, stupid dumb etc.

I know that is wrong too, but saying someone is mean for being nasty to me is not quite the same as calling them derogatory names

This is where you have grow up - and learn that two wrongs do not make a right! You, by your own admission have been a nasty little b-i-t-c-h - so is the other girl. You are both in the wrong.

Learn to stop making nasty comments about other people, what they do and don't do is none of your concern. Try saying nice things instead and then maybe you'll find that other people do the same. Being nice is actually nice!

suki1001

I'm so glad I'm not 16 anymore - wow, friendships are so complicated.

Sometimes you have to be the bigger "man". Admit you're wrong and be gracious if she criticises you. "Ok, gosh I said that as a throwaway comment, you've got a good memory - I'm sorry if i upset you." etc.
"Wow, I'm so ratty in the morning" Instead of denying things - own up - what's the worst that could happen.


I learnt a long time ago, life's hard work if you're a drama queen. These might seem hurtful, but they are small things in the grand scheme - who cares what you said about a car.

I know at 16 you feel grown up, but it takes years to learn about people and how to handle them. Also don't beat yourself up and don't think you're the worst, sometimes when we're down and feeling really negative (which happens a lot when you're 16), you think the worst of yourself. honestly - you're not that bad.

Gingernutty

Lola.rose wrote: »

Hi, I really need some advice on a situation. It's being going around too long in my head and I'd really appreciate some advice from a fresh wise perspective.

First of all, I'll admit to being a bad person. I moan, I whinge and I !!!!!, I don't want to deceive anyone by acting all innocent.

I'm 16, and I attend a college. I'm incredibly bad at making friends, I just seem to have a personality that is too quiet for some people, I'm not very outgoing or exciting.

I've been friends with 3 girls since School, lets say Nat, Nita and Nancy. Me, Nat and Nancy are really close, Nita has a long history with Nat and a lot of common ground with Nancy. They never hung out together at school, as we were in separate groups, but now we're in college there doesn't seem to be a lot of choice.

I dislike Nita I'll admit, for good reason in my opinion she has a consistently aggressive nature, swearing stating she wants to stab people albeit jokingly etc, but she always there to highlight my mistakes and make fun of me if I accidentally do something stupid. She has bouts of being bearable but she will make sure she announces how nice she always is. Generally, she's much kinder to Nancy and Nat so they simply see the bad in her as part of a character a more jokey side of her.

Today, she made me promise in front of the others not to tell anyone something, and she said that someone had said I was constantly !!!!!ing, (when I do this mostly I do it lightheartedly and I state this) and said I should stop !!!!!ing so much. If she she said it in a more tactful manner, I would've been less offended. I said that perhaps the person in question was referring to how grumpy I tend to be in the mornings, as this is when I am with that person.

She then went on to state that she agreed and i was alwabutch thing and started to verbally attack me bringing up occasions when I'd said something about someone, it was mostly a light comment about an ugly car.

I knew not to get into an argument with her as it shows me up in a bad light with the others and she gets away unscathed even if she initiated it. I said I'd just let her continue, but we can all be !!!!!y at times, bringing up a time she'd branded someone as stinky. She continued to go on and on, stating occasions some as far back as the previous year.

I went quiet, I'm quite sensitive and it was probably evident I was quite teary, she then resumed normal conversation with the others, who had remained quiet for this period with a smirk on her face as if nothing had happened. I stayed quiet for another half hour as she chatted incessantly with the other 2.

I really don't want to break it off with Nancy and Nat, as I've never related to them as well as anyone else, we share the same views and I enjoy being with them. They're probably the closest friends I've ever had. But I hate how they're willing to be too nice and never stick up for me in terms of Nita. Part of me thinks even if they thought it was mean of her, they're too scared to correct her. It's the same sort of situation when I was bullied they just remained quiet

I know its a long rambly post and I probably don't deserve to rant when there's worse happening out there, but I don't know what to do tomorrow, we'll all be together tomorrow and I don't want to let Nita win by giving up my 2 best friends.

I really can't make friends so please don't suggest that, my college is quite select and I've not made any friends in my classes so friendship groups have already formed.

I don't know how to act tomorrow, it'll probably be ignored just as it has been in the past, but I'm fed up of this...

Please help

Lola Rose

There, I fixed that for you.

I'm assuming !!!!!ing is b!tching. I know you're young and all, but in one breath you're telling us you're quite shy, reserved, sensitive and easily hurt by someone's words and the next, you appear to be a teenage Joan Rivers.

There are a few sayings you may need to take note of

"if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all", "If you can't take it, don't dish it" and "never say anything behind someone's back that you aren't prepared to say to their face or aren't prepared for the consequences if they hear about what you said about them".

You can't go about bad mouthing people, their appearance, their things and achievements and expect no come back. There will always be a Nita around.

She'll make sure that whoever you bad mouth gets to hear what you said, is happy to embarrass you with your own words if it suits her ("...but I thought you said....") and is generally bad news.

She's got the gift of the gab, seems a little more resilient than most and is happy to draw attention to herself. She's seems like fun to some people (Nat and Nancy for a start) and likes to look big at other peoples' expense (like you, fr'instance).

Why she's like that? Who knows? Maybe she's jealous of your friendship with Nat and Nancy? Maybe she likes to be the centre of their attention and when you show up she's not. Nat and Nancy don't sound like good friends if they stood there and made no attempt to help you, btw.

How do you handle it? I've no idea. I'm 45 years old, socially awkward and only have few good friends as well.

You're still learning to be an adult and, trust me, it's hard. You only have to look at some of the threads here to see that there are some very strange and immature people around and these are meant to be fully grown adults.

Even if you can understand why Nita behaves as she does, it doesn't make her any more likable or bearable to be around.

Are there any instances where you can meet up with Nat and Nancy without Nita? Is there no one else you talk to?

We grow out of friends the same way we grow out of toys and clothes. I lost touch with my school friends when we left school, found jobs and went to university and college and we made new friends there.

We change our minds about people and drop them gently or otherwise as we go through life and that's how it goes.

You can make friends, otherwise how did you get to find Nat and Nancy?