A break from a relationship...

Bolshie

Hi,

I was wondering if anyone had any advice on how to deal with having a break from your relationship?

My boyfriend (of 9 months) and I have decided we need a break from things. Lately our situation has been incredibly stressful we both have money and work worries (we work for the same company) and we have been tearing strips off each other due to it.
So it came to ahead yesterday on the way home, after another argument, that we were both thoroughly miserable and agreed to sometime apart.

But I'm not sure how this works, how long for, do we call and text each other, do we meet up at the weekend or not at all?

I keep feeling that we are heading to a break up, which neither of us wants and I'm trying to look on this as a positive thing.

So does anyone have any advice or experiance of this??

Thanks xx

LEJC

You do what feels right for you....there isnt a set amount of times you should have contact etc etc

One thing I would say is sometimes you never go back....that break is enough for you to find yourself again and realise that theres more to life than you had before....

You might find that in the beginning you call eachother and you even meet up ....but eventually you will probably move on forward into new friendships and relationships....dont assume that you will get back together at some point down the line...

Although if after 9 months you are feeling the strain and want some time apart,you probably want to think about whether it was ever going to be a long term relationship....in no way do I want to sound harsh but its not as if you have a great deal of shared history and years of relationship behind you....perhaps its time to call it a day and move on to another phase in your life rather than trying to fix this one....

its hard to be friendly with people when there is a breakup going on but over time you probably will look back at this time in your life and your partner with affection....I'm married now but have ex's from the past and whilst I dont think I ever had a friendly break up as such...I would like to think that I am friendly with the few im still in contact with...they all form part of my evolving life...

MasterPoo

One or two days to calm down/time-out, mull things over is fine, but if you need a break so very early on in your relationship what's the point??? What happens IF/WHEN you get married, trial separation??

Sorry I don't have any answers just more questions!?!?!?

whitewing

I think as you work for the same company maybe you need to be clear if your break allows you each to see other people, or whether you are just spending physical time apart.

podperson

I don't think there are any set rules, do what the pair of you think feels right.

Also, I don't want this to come across as harsh, but I've been with my OH for many years, we've been through pretty much all problems you can think of in that time and we've got through it by leaning on each other. If you've finding that you're constantly attacking instead of supporting each other with your issues then perhaps it's worth thinking about whether you're in the right relationship.

Maybe take the break to both have some space - perhaps you could agree to no contact for say a week. Have a think, maybe get out, meet some friends, do the kind of thing you wouldn't normally do - and then reassess how you're finding the time apart. Do you miss each other, do you find yourself constantly wanting to see/talk to him, or do you feel relief at the lack of tension etc? Sometimes we can know someone else is a wonderful person, we're just not meant to be in that kind of relationship with them. Or maybe some distance will make you both realise what's important and put some perspective on the little things. Good luck with it x

Panda78

You say you don't want to break up, so i would make the effort to keep contact going. A phone chat once or twice a week and meet up one day at the weekend. Go with your gut instinct; if you are missing him then why not send a text or call to say so? You need to know where each other stands. It might be that after a few weeks you both start to realise that you are happier without each other or just as friends, but these things can't be rushed, you will naturally know what is right in time and you need to keep in mind that your boyfriend might take a different view to you.

I've recently split from my partner of 13 years. We stayed friends and speak a couple of times a week. In the past month we have met up twice and we are working well as friends. I only hold a small hope that we might get back together, but the reasons for the break up were complex, so i'm grateful we are still in each others lives as friends.

Good luck, i know it's painful when things are "up in the air" and uncertain but as cliche as it sounds, time will make things clearer in the end.

Bolshie

Thanks.

The main reason we are arguing is down to money, I currently rent and he bought his place just when we got together. A month or so ago he asked me to move in and I said yes but at the moment I'm trying to pay off a lot of debt which leaves me with very little money for me and it means at the weekend I can’t do much, no nights out, no shopping trips or nights away.

Plus his job is incredibly stressful, I've seen it first hand, and most nights after work he just wants to go home and have a glass of wine rather than going to the gym or out cycling (when we got together we were both really fit and active but it's went downhill).

There are just so many things going against us just now it's hard to see the wood from the trees. I want to help him and he wants to help me but we are so wrapped up in our own problems it's hard.

I was hoping a break would give us a chance to concentrate on ourselves and clear our heads.

Hopefully!

Danni-R

Surely if you move in together you wont be paying rent? (one less money worry)

My other point is surely 9 months is still the 'honeymoon' stage? As other posters have said. Couples go through a lot worse with out needing a break.

If you do stick together maybe try Relate for some councilling to teach you how to deal with each other when you are stressed so you dont take it out on each other.

Brighton_belle

My inclination is that at just 9 months, if you naturally aren't pulling together when things are a little tricky, if you aren't the best thing that ever happened to each other, then this probably doesn't have a long term future.

londonsurrey

Is going out that important to you? Surely at this stage of the relationship, you would be gagging to spend time alone, anywhere, even if it's at home?

McKneff

You have to decide whether you want to stay together or not.

On a break, means nothing. What is he ups and offs with another woman, how much would it bother you.

I cant see your argument about not moving in. It would lessed your money worries and you could be throwing a lot more at your debt.