Drifting apart from my friends....

london-lass_3

I wonder if there is anyone else in this position, over the past 6 months I am feeling more and more that I dislike my once closest friends. We met at university and have all since moved on and settled with boyfriends, we are in the stage of life where friends are starting to get married etc. I have noticed that there is obsessive competitiveness in them (whether it is marriage, money, designer handbags) and that just isnt me. They seem to be very self involved and materialistic and constantly asking me when I am getting married. I have told them how much debt me and my boyfriend are in and this is not a priority but this seems to bore them!

I wonder, have they always been this way and I hadnt noticed? We dont laugh anymore, life is about showing off. It is quite depressing and fortunately I do have other friends I have met since University who are more like me but I dont know what to do with these friends. They see me as a 'closest' friend which to me seems bizarre!

Sorry for the rant, see this as getting some agro off my chest!

sweaty_betty

I think we all change over time.

Particularly so when you change from spending lots of time with people (eg at university or working in the same place) to seeing them less frequently.

I think there a society pressure to keep friends, but this can be unrealistic in some circumstances. I look back 5-10 years to the people I spent a lot of time with and many of them I hardly see now.

I think all you can do is be honest to their questions (eg can't afford to get married, not interested in designer handbags etc) and try to steer the conversation back to stuff that you have in common. Hopefully that should allow you to both/all focus on the things you like about each other. If not, maybe reduce contact so that you're not feeling so ground down about it all.

Sommer43

I have had my closest group of friends foe a quarter of century now. We've seen fallouts, nine divorces, alcoholism, broken hearts and at times, I screen my calls and these are grown women in their 40s and 50s. It doesn't get better as we age. It's the same problems, we just have more wrinkles. We have done our debt, racking up our credit cards a decade ago and some of us are sorted and some of us are still paying it off.

Drifting from friends is a natural course of action. I live away from my friends and have done for a decade or more. I spend a lot of time with them and we always said we would buy between us a great big house and be the British version of the Golden Girls. I'd be slitting my throat if I had to live long-term with some of them. But, we think the world of each other. Yet, I am pleased I have a respectable distance, while they still run in and out of each houses. I prefer a quiet life and they love full-on drama and nights out and I just hear about it.

OP, we evolve as people and your friends are evolving and so are you. Influences from partners, materialism and the "gathering of their bottom drawers" and feathering their nests. It turns heads and you sound like your feet are firmly on the ground. They're probably in debt themselves and it might not hit at the moment, but it seems to be the way of the country...

Be true to yourself and your man and deal with your situation and your debts. As you grow within yourself, get married and settle down, you will drift considerably and make new friends. I am in my fifth decade and apart from the five friends from my uni days, I am in touch with no-one from high school. What you're experiencing is normal. You're seeing your friends through a set of responsible eyes.

poorly_scammo

One grows, one changes, one makes mistakes, one learns, one evolves.

Keep trying to make new friends and if they bore/upset/irritate you then stop seeing them and move on.

barbiedoll

Yes, it's very tiresome isn't it, the constant battle to see who has the most expensive wedding, who has the biggest house, who has the best pram, whose kid is a genius/future Olympian/musical prodigy etc etc, yadda yadda yadda.

As other posters have said, you all grow up and you grow apart. Your mates probably consider you the "closest" friend because they can each brag to their heart's content and you, being the sensible one and a non-competitive sort, have so far, been willing to sit there and listen to their materialistic drivel. Keep them as friends by all means, they're probably a good gang for a night out but for any sort of meaningful conversation with someone who is actually interested in you and who shares your values and opinions, you'll need to make new friends. Which you will!

Just see them when you want to, you don't need to be available for them all of the time. If you don't want to see them at all, then don't. Life is too short to waste time with people who don't make you feel good.

go_cat

You have both probably changed you focused in your priorities - debt and them - handbags or whatever

You can suddenly find with friends that you out grow each other . I certainly have my friends that I grew up with . I got married first, they were still single etc, I had a child first and probably only talked about babies to begin with lol. We still exchange Christmas cards but other than that have gone our separate ways

ognum

The big difference in life today from a few years ago is social networking! If you had drifted apart from these friends 20 years ago they would have disappeared from your life and you would have moved on with new and different friends just maintaining the ones you really like. It involved effort to maintain friendships.

I am not actually saying its better or worse it is just different!

london-lass_3

Some really lovely advice here and thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my woes!

Lots of wise words about moving on and understanding that relationships can change. I think this is a good lesson for me in the long run to understand that have a friend does not mean unconditional life long loyalty! I think I will save all this advice to come back to in moments of weakness!

suki1001

I look at some of the people I used to be friends with and can't imagine hanging out with them now. Not because I don't like them (although there's a couple I'd give a wide berth to!), but simply because, the things you have in common at one point in your life can often be so different and your path takes a different direction.

My sisters are both still friends with people they go to school with, but I haven't kept in touch with anyone.

I'm probably on about my 3rd phase of friends, which has been the longest and that's when I had children. I found I just spent less time with people I had less in common with, there was no falling out. If I saw those people again, I'd have a chat and a coffee perhaps. In fact one of them will teach my daughter.

Consider this one of those moments where you're ready to move on and spend time with the people you want to. It might happen again in the future, but don't feel bad.

When I bump into my first ever boyfriend it makes me laugh, because he is so arogant. I'm sure he always was, but I just never realised it. Now he's older I think it's exacerbated the worst in him. Perhaps it's the same with your friends.

heartbreak_star

I really like that term "phase of friends". It's so true!

I've found a lot of the time my friendships change when a couple break up - one almost always steps out of the shared social circle.

It happened when I broke up with my ex of 11 years - I barely see the people I spoke to 4-5 times a week now...but I made some more friends of my own and now have linked friends with my current OH, who I'm hoping to marry.

Times change and so do people. As long as you have friends, they don't always have to be the same ones

HBS x

BitterAndTwisted

As your lives change the differences between you about attitudes to money/debt, future plans and priorities etcetera can come into very sharp focus. This can be extremely useful when deciding who you want to continue to have in your life and on what basis. As time goes by you can decide for yourself which friendships continue to enrich your life and those which do not, you can get shot of.

If your life is diminished by their competitiveness, shallowness and acquisitiveness just wave them goodbye without a backward glance.