not sure where to post but really need some advice

bubbles0169

i think a lot can be said for drunkeness too!
i know it isnt an excuse but it is a reason
if he would never ever dream of rationally hurting you in his sober life then i think you can dust yourselves off from this and he can learn from his mistakes
1) dont get so drunk and call/text girls at silly o clock asking to rub their chests!
2) know that you arent prepared to accept this behaviour
3) you will only trust him if he is always open and honest

xx

LEJC

How can your OH accuse you of blowing it out of proportion if quite frankly he wont tell you exactly what is going on....

From your point of view you are clearly unhappy about the explanation he has given you and quite frankly I think I would find it strange that someone should be texting a work collegue at 2am in the morning too!

You do need to raise the subject again with him,calmly and ask for an honest explanation...he owes you that and then its up to you what you choose to do...but you do deserve the truth from him even if its not exactly what you want to hear

myconosray

Hi LisaJane

I saw your post and had to reply as I have been in this situation before and know how you must be feeling. My own situation didn't end well but that's not why I wanted to post. The thing about these situations is that it doesn't really matter what he has or hasn't done because it is the little niggling doubt that will have the biggest effect on your relationship and your happiness. As it stands you aren't happy and you need to explain to him how the situation has made you feel regardless of whether he has actually done anything he shouldn't of done or not. Be strong and don't accept it if he tries to fob you off; as your husband to be he should make your feelings his priority. When you have had a good long chat about it and been completely honest with each other only then can you move forward and be sure he will always be honest with you. Checking each others phones is a really unhappy place for you to be in for the rest of your lives.

Good luck!

74jax

So he 'claims' it's all innocent and you're reading too much into it, but rather than do everything he can to convince you otherwise and push for the wedding, he says he will leave work early and pack his bags?

Does he mean for a few days to give you space?

Stephb1986_2

What about the text "what do you think I should do??" do about what???

I smell a big fat rat! A love rat!

Lilith1980

I have to be honest, if my OH was texting/trying to call a work colleague at 2am then I would think something was up. And if I was doing that then I would expect my OH to be angry with me too.

I'm not sure what you would do - his responses don't sound great. You'd think he would be explaining as much of it as possible to ease your mind but he seems to be drip-feeding you information, only if you push and push him. It does feel suss to me, but that's only my view.

Your family may have spent money on coming over for your wedding, but I reckon they would much rather you be happy than marry someone you no longer trust.

Any nagging doubts, don't go ahead hun. You need to trust him 100%, it's not fair on the relationship otherwise.

2bFrank

Going to be totally honest here and tell you both that your acting like a pair of kids, or a numpty, or both.

Dizzymagpie offered the best advice, sit down with him and ask him what went on. If you trust him and his answer then leave it be, if you don't then your with someone you don't trust and move on. Why on earth do you keep trying to prod him for more info, !!!!!! do you want to achieve, you either trust him or you don't, stop being a kid.

Although on to the more seriousness. You have totally broke the trust bond between you both by looking at his phone, this is worst than anything he has done. You are fully in the wrong here by looking at his phone. Does he know you looked at his phone, if so instead questioning his trust, question your own.

You need to tell him you looked at his phone, if he forgives you, all is well and I hope you both grow up and live a very happy marriage, if he carnt trust you again (and I wouldn't, if my wife to be looked through my phone, she wouldn't be my wife to be anymore) then you have your answer and can move on.

Sorry to be blunt, but think you need it.

stir_crazy

2bFrank wrote: »

Going to be totally honest here and tell you both that your acting like a pair of kids, or a numpty, or both.

Dizzymagpie offered the best advice, sit down with him and ask him what went on. If you trust him and his answer then leave it be, if you don't then your with someone you don't trust and move on. Why on earth do you keep trying to prod him for more info, !!!!!! do you want to achieve, you either trust him or you don't, stop being a kid.

Although on to the more seriousness. You have totally broke the trust bond between you both by looking at his phone, this is worst than anything he has done. You are fully in the wrong here by looking at his phone. Does he know you looked at his phone, if so instead questioning his trust, question your own.

You need to tell him you looked at his phone, if he forgives you, all is well and I hope you both grow up and live a very happy marriage, if he carnt trust you again (and I wouldn't, if my wife to be looked through my phone, she wouldn't be my wife to be anymore) then you have your answer and can move on.

Sorry to be blunt, but think you need it.

I'm sorry, but if my OH was up at 2am sending texts to someone he's only known for 6 weeks, I would be checking his phone as well. He's already admitted that the rubbing the chest joke was inappropriate. If there's nothing to hide on his phone, then he wouldn't be offended by it. Clearly, he thinks that he's going to get away with this by lying. Its the OH who has broken the trust in the relationship.

OP, as others have said, you need a good sit down with your OH and talk it through thoroughly, then you both need to decide what you want out of your relationship. The "what do you think I should do?" text sounds to me a bit like cold feet within this context, but I hope things work out for you and your partner.

lisajane8482

I know that I shouldn't have looked at his phone but I felt at the time he left me no other choice since he wan't being honest with me. It's not something that would usually be in my nature and I certainly don't go checking his phone under usual circumstances.

I have told him I looked at his phone and I also told him the reason why I felt I had no other choice than to do it. I also told him what the text said that I saw and wanted to know what it was about. I'm sorry 2bFrank but surely if you were texting someone you hardly knew (or in fact if someone your wife hardly knew was texting) offering to rub their chest you/your wife wouldn't be too happy). For a start it's unprofessional in the work place and just wrong (as was looking at his phone).

We sat down and talked everything through last night. He also recovered the texts he had deleted himself using an app he downloaded whilst we were talking as he realised that he had given me no reason to trust him with amount of lies he had told.

He was telling the truth about the rubbing chest text (and said you can see it was meant as a joke by the lol on the end) although he realises now that it was inappropriate and wasn't funny at all. The rest of the texts were about the fact he's been offered a years employment at the place he is currently working to cover someone who will be on maternity leave and didn't know wether he should take that or take the offer of a permenant job he has just received.

He wasn't angry about me looking at his phone (even though I thought he should/would be) and said that although he has no idea how I'm feeling he wouldn't like to think that I was texting someone I have worked with 2 days a week for the last 6 weeks offering to rub a part of their body or in fact someone rubbing mine.

I told him that if he had any issues with which job to take surely I should be the one he should be talking to not someone he hardly knows and that I wouldn't be happy him working there where she is and that I would prefer if he had nothing to do with that place in the future (he has 3 weeks until he starts his new job and she won't be back off the sick until after he's left). I guess in a way he may feel like I have given him no other choice than to accept the job as support carer but there is no way on earth I would ever be happy him staying where he is for another year.

Where we go from here I'm not sure, I have an array of emotions (about myself and him) and I don't even know where to begin with them. In one way I feel disappointed that he would be so stupid, I feel hurt that he could say something like that to someone he hardly knows, I feel even more hurt that he lied to me and I feel disappointed in myself for doing what I did. but again I wouldn't have done what I did if he had just been honest with me in the first place, I would have been a little !!!!!! off and have given him a hard time for it but it certainly wouldn't be like it is now.

He says he's truly sorry (as am I for looking at his phone) and I do believe him but I also feel the trust is broken on both sides. He's never done anything like this before (sober or drunk) and I honestly don't think he would again, the same as I have never done anything like I did.

He still wants to get married in 19 weeks time and as for me I honestly don't know what to do. I do hope we can move on from here and I do in a way feel it is childish behaviour on both parts including the whole load of emotions I am feeling but it's the way things have happened, the I feel and it's too late to turn the clock back.

Thank you for all you replies, it has made it a little easier to put down in words everything.

DizzyMagpie

So to sum up (and correct me if I get this wrong):
He made a mistake, you both handled it badly (lying and snooping).
You then had a very honest conversation about how your actions affected each other.
You both affirmed your regrets and your partner reiterated his wish to stay with you (did you say the same to him?).

Of course you'll have mixed emotions about the whole thing but if you aren't prepared stand up and fix what's been broken between the two of you- without blame or resentment- then you don't deserve him. He's already said he's prepared to do so.

I cannot advocate strongly enough the wonders of a 'date night', doesn't matter what you do. Set aside some time every week and flirt with each other, talk to him like he's your oldest friend, show each other your best side. Just remind yourselves why you're together in the first place. You'll have to take each others words and actions on faith until the trust grows again, but put in the work and it will.

Best wishes for the two of you.