not sure where to post but really need some advice

lisajane8482

OH took up an internship 6 weeks ago.

Last night (well early this morning) I woke up to find him missing from the bed so went downstairs to look for him. I found him in the frontroom half cut texting this woman he's been working with.

Now normally this wouldn't bother me but it was 2am in the morning. I also later saw him cancel a call to her.

When he was asleep I did something that I am rather ashamed of but couldn't help myself. I looked at his messages he'd deleted them all but 2, 1 of which was ratehr cryptic "what do you think I should do?".

I asked him about it (obviously leaving out the part of looking at his phone) and at first he denied it. When I told him I can read and saw her name his reply was that she's off work with whooping cough and was txting her to see how she was. Who texts someone at 2am to see how they are?He adamently denies trying to ring her though.

I asked him if he'd found someone else, or if he had feelings for someone else and says he hasn't and that I'm blowing this whole thing out of proportion.

I really have no idea what to do as he is blatenly lying about ringing her and am at a complete loss, how can I marry someone who would lie to me. I know I shouldn't have looked at his phone but the fact he was lying to me made me doubt myself.

I really don't know what to do or if I'm blowing things out of proportion. I could really do with a little advice as I don't really have anyone else to talk to this about

bubbles0169

what does your gut instinct say?
has he ever done anything before to make you suspicious?
did you talk to him about it in the cold light of day?

lisajane8482

I have no idea, I'm so confused. I think I am more annoyed that he's lied to me about texting her than the fact he has but keep going over the whole why lie unless there is something to lie about.

He's never done anything like this before with me. He cheated on two girlfriends but that was years ago (we've been together 5 years in May) and they didn't have a serious relationship, didn't live together or plan on getting married. I didn't know him then but all his friends say he's changed for the better since we go together.

I've just been talking to him and he finally, after badgering him and telling him that if he's not honest with me how can I marry him, said that he did try to ring her but then thought it was too late so cancelled the call. He still is adament that he was only texting her because she had been online on facebook and he wanted to see how she was. He keeps saying he's sorry for lying and to be honest I don't think I would be this annoyed if he had just told me the truth in the first place. Yes, I would have been a little annoyed he's texting someone he hardly knows at stupdi o'clock in the morning but I certainly wouldn't be sat here in tears at work asking people I hardly know for help.

I can't help but just keep thinking why lie in the first place if it was so innocent. Why not just be honest? Did he not think that it would look a little dodgy.

I really have no idea what I should or shouldn't be thinking but I do feel like everythings falling apart.

blondy24

Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same? How long has he known this colleague? I think you need a proper heart to heart with him. I can understand planning a wedding can be stressful but I would be the same as you and worry (it does sound like strange behaviour from what you have said).

notanewuser

There are 3 possibilities here:

1. It's exactly as he says it is
2. He's nervous about the marriage (totally natural) and his cold feet have him doing things he wouldn't ordinarily do
3. He's cheating on you (or planning to).

Given the deleted texts, time of day and lies that you know of, number 1 seems unlikely.

So it's 2 or 3.

What sort of phone does he have? Is it backed up? If it is then usually even deleted texts are stored.

lisajane8482

blondy24 wrote: »

Have you asked him how he would feel if you did the same? How long has he known this colleague? I think you need a proper heart to heart with him. I can understand planning a wedding can be stressful but I would be the same as you and worry (it does sound like strange behaviour from what you have said).

I asked him, he said it wouldn't bother him, which is complete BS. He's known her for 6 weeks. Tried at luch time and he tells me I am over reacting it was comletely innocent.

notanewuser wrote: »

There are 3 possibilities here:

1. It's exactly as he says it is
2. He's nervous about the marriage (totally natural) and his cold feet have him doing things he wouldn't ordinarily do
3. He's cheating on you (or planning to).

Given the deleted texts, time of day and lies that you know of, number 1 seems unlikely.

So it's 2 or 3.

What sort of phone does he have? Is it backed up? If it is then usually even deleted texts are stored.

I don't exactly think he's cheating on me cos to be fair at the moment he doesn't have the time. I am worried that he is either
1. planning on it
2. getting cold feet and can't tell me.

He won't have backed it up but looking on the internet I have found some software that can recover text messages from an iPhone so have just asked him if he would be willing to let me do it.

He says that it seems he's broken my trust and that it's pointless. I told him it looks rather dodgy from my point of view.

Conviniently his "big boss" was coming over so he had to go so I guess I will see what tonight holds.

DizzyMagpie

If he normally treats you with honesty and respect, I'd give him the benefit of the doubt but sit down with him and tell him what you saw and exactly how it made you feel (uneasy and suspicious?). I'd say that his explanation wasn't enough to settle your doubts and then try to figure out between the two of you how to get past this. Whether that's asking him to maintain more of a professional relationship with his colleague, or the both of you spending more time together to build up trust again.

If, however, he's not prepared to open up to you, do you really want to still be checking his phone in another 5 years time?

I went through something very similar with my man a few years ago and even though it hurt at the time, we're a stronger and more honest couple now because of it. This isn't necessarily the end for you, just testing out the "for better, for worse" vow a little early.

notanewuser

lisajane8482 wrote: »

I asked him, he said it wouldn't bother him, which is complete BS. He's known her for 6 weeks. Tried at luch time and he tells me I am over reacting it was comletely innocent.



I don't exactly think he's cheating on me cos to be fair at the moment he doesn't have the time. I am worried that he is either
1. planning on it
2. getting cold feet and can't tell me.

He won't have backed it up but looking on the internet I have found some software that can recover text messages from an iPhone so have just asked him if he would be willing to let me do it.

He says that it seems he's broken my trust and that it's pointless. I told him it looks rather dodgy from my point of view.

Conviniently his "big boss" was coming over so he had to go so I guess I will see what tonight holds.

The 2 of you have children together. You need to stop acting like children (and you certainly shouldn't be bringing it to the workplace (yours or his).

lisajane8482

I hope you're right Dizzymagpie, I never honestly thought I would ever be in this sort of position with him.

He finally buckled with the prospect of software "I text her to ask how her cough was n she said her chest was killing, I made a joke about rubbing it n she said I don't think so!" he went on to say he was sorry for lying again and if i want him to he'll finish work early and pack so he'll be gone when I get home so I don't have to see him and that he's sorry for being so stupid.

I still have this whole what if he's still lying feeling, I'm suuposed to be going away with work for 3 days next week and I'm really dreading it now.

things seeme to be really going well for us, he's been offered a 25 hour contract as a Support Carer and thinks were really starting to look up, now it just feels like everything's turning to ash.

We're supposed to be getting married in July, I've just had my family in USA spend a small fortune on flights to attend, can I really learn to trust him in 19 weeks? I really don't know anymore

lisajane8482

We have children but not together. My daughter lives with us and I certainly don't want her picking up on this so now is really the only time to get this all out of my system so when I go home I am less likely to break down and cry in front of her. I wasn't screaming and shouting at him and we were both out of the office, I wasn't actually going to talk to him about it. I'd decided to go for a walk along the river where I work but he decided to ring me and asked how I was so I told him and asked him to be honest.

Stephb1986_2

It's strange that when your pressuring him more and more about what's going on he will drip feed you little bits of information instead of saying yeah I've done this that and the other. He's still lying.

If he was prepared to cheat on two other girlfriends what's to stop him doing it to you? Serious or not serious relationships you never cheat on someone.