Moving out but feel guilty...?

FBaby

What's happening to your mum if he threw her out? In any case, you've been thrown out, so surely you are doing the right think by getting yourself a place of your own?

I feel for you that you would feel guilty for moving out. What kind of manipulative hold do they have on you? You don't owe your parents to stay just so they can pay their mortgage, even less so when you get physically threaten there. It's sad that your parents are in the position they are in, but they are not your responsibility. Be supportive as a son/daughter, keep in touch with them, but don't feel guilty for getting away from their grip.

krlyr

Well, he seems to be able to spare money for drink for starters. Are you sure they really couldn't afford the mortgage without you, or are they just choosing to spend beyond their means?

dilemma10

Person_one wrote: »

They're old enough to look after their own finances.

You don't mention your mum much, or your relationship with her. The help she needs most from you is help to get away from a man who hits her and throws her out of the house when he's had a drink.

No and that's because I think I've given up with that one. There's no excuses for physical abuse but she is incredibly vicious when she gets going, basically one puts the bullet in the gun, the other fires.

I am like their parent - she has cut herself off from all of her family, so I had to take her to one of my friends to stay the night.

The next day her and my Dad were happy as larry while I ignored him for a week. I asked her, why, as a mother, she did not pull him up on what he had done to us both and she said she had other things to worry about.

Although it's a bad helpless situation at times, she does not help herself and for years has let it go on.

I know I sound vicious but they are both as bad as each other at times.

sedment

Sounds like you needed to get out of there to be honest, you should be able to live without fear of violence in your parents home. If you dont feel you can speak directly to them, would you write them a letter? Might be easier to get it into words how let down and why you are moving out.

Tish_P

Any guilt you feel is a product of that toxic, abusive environment. Good parents, however much they missed you, would be happy to see you spread your wings and start a promising new life.

If an announcement that you're leaving is likely to start a dust-up there's always the option of discreetly packing your things, leaving without telling them, and informing them later (or not!) of your new address. You have been subjected to physical violence, and you're not obliged to take responsibility for other people's feelings right now - your priority is getting out soon and safely. I wish you all the best!

Person_one

dilemma10 wrote: »

No and that's because I think I've given up with that one. There's no excuses for physical abuse but she is incredibly vicious when she gets going, basically one puts the bullet in the gun, the other fires.

I am like their parent - she has cut herself off from all of her family, so I had to take her to one of my friends to stay the night.

The next day her and my Dad were happy as larry while I ignored him for a week. I asked her, why, as a mother, she did not pull him up on what he had done to us both and she said she had other things to worry about.

Although it's a bad helpless situation at times, she does not help herself and for years has let it go on.

I know I sound vicious but they are both as bad as each other at times.

So your mum fails to protect both herself and you from your dad? I can completely understand why you want to walk away, its a good decision.

Sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of others, even when they're in a bad situation too. I think this is one of those times.

Best of luck in your new life, don't look back.

dilemma10

Person_one wrote: »

So your mum fails to protect both herself and you from your dad? I can completely understand why you want to walk away, its a good decision.

Sometimes you have to put yourself ahead of others, even when they're in a bad situation too. I think this is one of those times.

Best of luck in your new life, don't look back.

Thank you, and yes, that's what I could not understand. I don't have children, obviously, but if I did, I think I would make it clear that above all else, the children (no matter what age) are not to be attacked, especially when defending the mother!

I will not hold it as a grudge, I love my parents undulatingly but...!

Jessycat

Nothing to add as people have said it already, but just wanted to wish you luck on the next chapter of your life. Your parents will be proud of you, they have raised with the idea that you will be indpendent and you are doing

troubleinparadise

Make the move you've arranged. Be the adult, and tell your parents you are going - set the standard for the behaviour you'd like them to show - mature, honest, responsible and respectful of others - all parts of a healthy relationship.

Do not feel guilty - they may have their money problems, and other issues, but those are for them to resolve, not you.

Read up on "codependency" - it is very easy to be drawn into the dysfunctional situation of someone else's mismanaged life, but you are not responsible for what happens to them, nor responsible for sorting their problems. Sadly it appears that your mum doesn't feel responsible for what happened to you during their fight, or see that it was unacceptable.

I hope that distance will allow you the space to develop a healthy relationship with your parents, and enjoy your independence. Good luck!