Moving out but feel guilty...?

dilemma10

Hi all,
This is going to be a bit long-winded but I really need to get it all off my chest.
I am an only child but at the age of 18 to 21 moved away to uni, during those years it was incredibly difficult as my Dad seemed to miss me a lot. Then after uni I could not get a grad job so moved back to the Midlands with my parents for 9 months before moving down to London with my then boyfriend. During these last 9 months it was particularly strained - they were constantly arguing etc.
I split up with my boyfriend after a year and moved back in with my parents - good job as my Mum lost her job and they were only into an expensive mortgage by 3 years and so my board money saved their bacon.
However, they still argue ALOT and it can be very volatile, at the same time they struggle with money (or rather my Dad does because my Mum does not pay her fair share). About 3 weeks ago they had a particularly bad argument where I pulled them apart and got caught in the cross-fire, punched in head and chucked across landing. We were both chucked out too.
Enough was enough and I put a deposit down to rent an apartment near where I work (which is 40 miles away from parents - long commute!). I am now irrationally fearful of telling them as i) don't want them to feel guilty for me moving out ii) they keep banging on about me getting a mortgage so will be disappointed I am renting and iii) my board money really helps them.
I get the keys next Friday and I keep on meaning to tell them but don't seem to be able to bring myself to.
I need rational people to tell me that I need to move out and live my own life. For one it's in my old uni town so I really like it and feel at home there, and secondly I have a very good job but had been commuting 80 miles a day so living round the corner from it will be a major help.
I just don't know how to break it to them, at the same time i am almost 25 so need to grow up ::mad:

Ich_2

Do it and tell them it is because of their behaviour! No discussion no argument.

And don't believe they will change even if they say they will

Molly41

Who punched you and threw you out? Your father or your mother?

krlyr

Ich wrote: »

Do it and tell them it is because of their behaviour! No discussion no argument.

And don't believe they will change even if they say they will

I agree. It may even do them some good - they may find their behaviour towards each other so 'normal' that they don't see anything wrong with it. It might be the wakeup call they need to show that their actions are wrong and have consequences.

I would try not to feel guilty about the money situation. They have to help themselves, and it sounds like they could be doing more, e.g. your mum paying her way. I felt a bit bad moving out from home as I knew my money was used towards bills and rent, but I stopped feeling guilty when they kept up with the Sky subscription and still had nights out - they weren't literally penniless, they just had to cut down on a few non-essentials!

dilemma10

Molly41 wrote: »

Who punched you and threw you out? Your father or your mother?

Father.

Threw both of us out.

Only like it when he's had drink...

pigpen

dilemma10 wrote: »

Father.

Threw both of us out.

Only like it when he's had drink...

I think you answered your own question!! Your mother can put up with the abuse if she wants but you absolutely should not.. that is disgusting.

I'd have not gone back had my so-called father done that to me! Just tell tem it is because you are not his punchbag!

Person_one

What you're actually doing is leaving a toxic, alcohol damaged domestic violence situation, well done that takes a lot of courage! Hopefully your mum can do it next.

You could also consider reporting your father to the police for assaulting you.

dilemma10

Person_one wrote: »

What you're actually doing is leaving a toxic, alcohol damaged domestic violence situation, well done that takes a lot of courage! Hopefully your mum can do it next.

You could also consider reporting your father to the police for assaulting you.

I'm incredibly altruistic and know that my father is not a monster but turns into one after drink - does not drink regularly but when he does it is explosive...

I think I make up a lot of excuses and justifications for it though??! which is why I need a sense check from this forum.

Person_one

dilemma10 wrote: »

I'm incredibly altruistic and know that my father is not a monster but turns into one after drink - does not drink regularly but when he does it is explosive...

I think I make up a lot of excuses and justifications for it though??! which is why I need a sense check from this forum.

That's not what altruism means, I'm afraid.

If he knows he turns into a violent monster when he drinks, then if he were a decent person he wouldn't drink.

Its incredibly hard to accept that someone you love is capable of awful things and maybe isn't a good person, but imagine your dearest friend were telling you about their home life and it sounded like this, wouldn't you be appalled and scared for her?

dilemma10

Person_one wrote: »

That's not what altruism means, I'm afraid.

If he knows he turns into a violent monster when he drinks, then if he were a decent person he wouldn't drink.

Its incredibly hard to accept that someone you love is capable of awful things and maybe isn't a good person, but imagine your dearest friend were telling you about their home life and it sounded like this, wouldn't you be appalled and scared for her?

Yes I would and in fact I have witnessed it again via my cousin and her boyfriend and it truly worries me.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head that I'm helping them with their finances, it's really really daft!

Person_one

dilemma10 wrote: »

Yes I would and in fact I have witnessed it again via my cousin and her boyfriend and it truly worries me.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head that I'm helping them with their finances, it's really really daft!

They're old enough to look after their own finances.

You don't mention your mum much, or your relationship with her. The help she needs most from you is help to get away from a man who hits her and throws her out of the house when he's had a drink.