The Bankrupt Inn Function Room. Intrim AGM Results !

jobby_2

Mike_St_Helens wrote: »

Im not a stirrir... I jus want to be treated equally ? Is that bad...

Not at all sweetie - it just read a bit like that

I think you're wonderful even if you know all the words to Nolans songs:rotfl:

Mike_St_Helens

AlanD wrote: »

Tis a common euphamism for anal sex:p :rotfl: :eek:

OOerr... Thought it was smple brown love !

AlanD_3

Spot the cut and paste... spelling shot to bits

A Married Couple Went To The Hospital To Have Thier Baby Delivered.upon Ther Arrival The Doctor Said He Had Invented A New Machine That Would Transfer A Portion Of The Mothers Labour Pain To The Father.
He Asked If They Were Willng To Give It A Try, They Were Both Very Much In Favour Of It.
The Doctor Set The Transfer At 10% For Starters, Explaining That 10% Was Probably More Pain Than The Father Had Experianced Before.
But As The Labour Progressed The Husband Felt Fine, So He Told The Doctor To Go Ahead And Bump It Up A Notch.
The Doctor Turned It Up To 20%, And The Husband Was Still Feeling Fine. The Doctor Checked His Blood Pressure And Was Amazed At How Well He Was Doing.
At This Point Tthey Decided To Turn It Up To 50%. The Husband Continued To Feel Quite Well. Since The Pain Transfer Was Obviously Helping The Wife Considerably, The Husband Encouraged The Doctor To Transfer All The Pain To Him.
The Wife Delivered A Healthy Baby With Virtually No Pain. She And Her Husband Were Estatic.
When They Got Home The Milkman Was Dead On The Porch.

Mike_St_Helens

jobby wrote: »

Not at all sweetie - it just read a bit like that

I think you're wonderful even if you know all the words to Nolans songs:rotfl:

#
Awww...

jobby_2

Delia's Way
Freeze leftover wine into ice cubes for future use in casseroles

The Real Woman's Way
Left over wine???? Hello!!!


Absolutely, completely, categorically I am a real woman:A

AlanD_3

A LITTLE GIRL IS WAITING IN LINE TO SEE SANTA.
WHEN ITS HER TURN SHE CLIMBS UP ONTO HIS LAP AND HE ASKS ..."WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE SANTA TO BRING YOU FOR CHRISTMAS?"
THE LITTLE GIRL REPLIES "AN ACTION MAN AND A BARBIE"
SANTA LOOKS AT THE LITTLE GIRL FOR A MOMENT AND SAYS "I THOUGHT BARBIE COMES WITH KEN?"
"NO" THE LITTLE GIRL REPLIED "SHE COMES WITH ACTION MAN, SHE FAKES IT WITTH KEN"The Atheist!


An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Forrest Kerr, admiring all that evolution had created. "What majestic trees! What a powerful river! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself. As he was walking alongside the Iskut river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him.

Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path.

He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his eyes. He looked again & the bear was even closer. His heart pounding in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and fell to he ground.


As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was right over him, reaching for him with it's left paw and raising its right paw to trike him...he yelled out,



"OH MY GOD!"

Time stopped.......

The bear froze.......

The forest was silent............



Even the river stopped moving.

As a brilliant light shone upon the man, a thunderous voice came from all around,



GOD SPOKE:

"YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON'T EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? "AM I TO COUNT YOU NOW AS A BELIEVER?"


Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?"

"VERY WELL," said GOD.



The light went out...

The river ran...

The sounds of the forest resumed.



And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:


"Lord, thank you for this food which I am about to receive, Amen."

---

A woman meets a man in a bar. They talk; they connect; they end up leaving together. They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft, sweet, cuddly teddy bears.

There are three shelves in the bedroom with hundreds and hundreds of cute, cuddly teddy bears, carefully placed in rows covering the entire wall! It was obvious that he had taken quite some time to lovingly arrange them and she was immediately touched by the amount of thought he had put into organizing the display. There were small bears all along the bottom shelf, medium-sized bears covering the length of the middle shelf, and huge, enormous bears running all the way along the top shelf. She found it strange for an obviously masculine guy to have such a large a collection of Teddy Bears, but doesn't mention this to him, and actually is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

They share a bottle of wine and continue talking and, after a while, she finds herself thinking, "Oh my God! Maybe, this guy could be the one! Maybe he could be the future father my children?" She turns to him and kisses him lightly on the lips. He responds warmly.

They continue to kiss, the passion builds, and he romantically lifts her in his arms and carries her into his bedroom where they rip off each other's clothes and make hot, steamy love.

She is so overwhelmed that she responds with more passion, more creativity, more heat than she has ever known, and even did a few things she had never done with any other man.

After an intense, explosive night of raw passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow. The woman rolls over, gently strokes his chest and asks coyly, "Well, how was it?" The guy gently smiles at her, strokes her cheek, looks deeply into her eyes, and says......................



.

.

.

.

.

.

.

"Help yourself to any prize from the middle shelf!"

---

News: LATEST GOVERNMENT RESTRICTIONS.

A public school teacher was arrested today at Gatwick Airport as he attempted to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Home Secretary John Reid said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-gebra movement. He did not identify the man, who has been charged by the Metropolitan Police with carrying weapons of maths instruction.

"Al-gebra is a problem for us," Reid said. "They desire solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute values. They use secret code names like 'x` and `y` and refer to themselves as unknowns,` but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with co-ordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle".

When asked to comment on the arrest, Prime Minister Tony Blair, speaking from his holiday resort before the planes stopped flying, said, "If God had wanted us to have better Weapons of Maths Instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes."

---

A vulture boards a plane with a dead rabbit under each wing. The stewardess stops him and says "Sorry Sir, only one carrion per passenger"

---

Prime Minister Tony Blair was visiting a primary school and went into one of the classes. They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the Prime Minister if he would like to lead the discussion on the word "tragedy".

So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a "tragedy".

One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field & a tractor runs over him and kills him, that would be a 'tragedy'"

"No," said Blair, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explained the all knowing Prime Minister "That's what we would call a great loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Tony searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, at the back of the room, a small boy raised his hand...In a quiet but firm voice he said: "If the aeroplane carrying you and Mrs Blair was struck by a "friendly fire" missile & blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy.

"Fantastic!" exclaimed Tony Blair. "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says the boy "It has to be a tragedy, because it certainly wouldn't be a great loss and it probably wouldn't be an accident either".

---

A young man named Gordon bought a donkey from an old farmer for £100.00.

The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day, but when the farmer drove up he said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news... the donkey is on my truck, but unfortunately he's dead.Gordon replied, "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said, "I can't do that, because I've spent it already. Gordon said, "OK then, well just unload the donkey anyway. The farmer asked, "What are you going to do with him?" Gordon answered, "I'm going to raffle him off."
To which the farmer exclaimed, "Surely you can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
But Gordon, with a wicked smile on his face said, "Of course I can, you watch me. I just won't bother to tell anybody that he's dead." A month later the farmer met up with Gordon and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Gordon said, "I raffled him off, sold 500 tickets at two pounds a piece, and made a huge, fat profit!!"
Totally amazed, the farmer asked, "Didn't anyone complain that you had stolen their money because you lied about the donkey being dead?"
To which Gordon replied, "The only guy who found out about the donkey being dead was the raffle winner when he came to claim his prize.
So I gave him his £2 raffle ticket money back plus an extra £200, which as you know is double the going rate for a donkey, so he thought I was great guy!!

Gordon grew up and eventually became the Chancellor of the Exchequer, and no matter how many times he lied, or how much money he stole from the British voters, as long as he gave them back some of the stolen money, most of them, unfortunately, still thought he was a great guy.

The moral of this story is that, if you think Gordon is about to play fair and do something for the everyday people of the country for once in his miserable, lying life, think again my friend, because you'll be better off flogging a dead donkey.

---

In a Chicago hospital, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied.

A nurse noticed his predicament.
Sir, she said " You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."
He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons hehad promised not to touch.
Each button was identified by letters: WW , WA , PP, and a red one labeled ATR.
Who would know if he touched them?
He couldn't resist.. He pushed WW. warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom.
What a nice feeling, he thought. Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this.
Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside.
When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flower to this unbelievable pleasure.. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.
When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the
ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy.
Next thing he knew he opened his eyes, he was in a hospital bed, and a nurse was staring down at him.
"What happened?" he exclaimed. "The last thing I remember was pushing the ATR button."
"Sir, The button ATR is an Automatic Tampon Remover. Your penis is under your pillow."

MEN NEVER LISTEN

---

Four friends, who hadn't seen each other in 30 years,
reunited at a party.
After several drinks, one of the men had to use the rest room.
Those who remained talked about their kids.

The first guy said, "My son is my pride and joy. He started
working at a successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied
Economics and Business Administration and soon began to climb the
corporate ladder and now he's the president of the company.

He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for his
birthday."

The second guy said, "Darn, that's terrific! My son is also
my pride and joy.

He started working for a big airline, then went to
flight school to become a pilot. Eventually he became a partner in the
company, where he owns the majority of its assets.

He's so rich that he gave his best
friend a brand new jet for his birthday."

The third man said: "Well, that's terrific! My son studied
in the best universities and became an engineer. Then he started his own
construction company and is now a multimillionaire.

He also gave away something very nice and expensive to his best friend for his
birthday:

A 30,000 square foot mansion."
The three friends congratulated each other just as the
fourth returned from the restroom and asked: "What are all the
congratulations for?"
One of the three said: "We were talking about the pride we
feel for the successes of our sons. ..What about your son?"


The fourth man replied: "My son is gay and makes a living
dancing as a stripper at a nightclub."

The three friends said: "What a shame ... what a
disappointment."

The fourth man replied: "No, I'm not ashamed. He's my son
and I love him.
And he hasn't done too bad either. His birthday was two
weeks ago and he
received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new
jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his three
boyfriends.

---

All the organs of the body were having a meeting, trying to decide who was the one in charge.

"I should be in charge," said the brain, "because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen".

"I should be in charge," said the blood, "because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."

"I should be in charge," said the stomach," because I process food and give all of you energy."

"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."

"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "because I allow the body to see where it goes."

"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."

All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.

Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache, the stomach was bloated, the legs got wobbly, the eyes got watery, and the blood was toxic. They all decided that the rectum should be the boss.

The Moral of the story?

The !!!!!!! is usually in charge !!

---

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---

Um... I really had better stop now...

---

rog2

Since it is now more than likely that this thread will go the same way as most of the recent Saturday Night party threads, I'd better tell you about my grandfather - safe in the knowledge that the thread will be pulled.:rolleyes:

Anyway, at 95 years old, he was found crying on a park bench, by two police officers.
Both officers having been trained in the art of dealing with old people, they started by asking him if he was married, to which he replied that he had married a 25 year old Russian 'beauty' only three months previously.
Suspecting possible domestic violence, the police officers asked him if there were any 'problems' at home.
'Oh No' replied my grandfather 'Everything is perfect - we make love twice every night, and have oral sex in the morning - couldn't be better!'
'Then why' asked the younger police officer 'are you crying?'
'Because I can't remember where I live.'

Mike_St_Helens

Im hitting the sack guys...

Thanks for tonite... what lightweights !!

rog2

Mike_St_Helens wrote: »

Im hitting the sack guys...

Thanks for tonite... what lightweights !!

Was hoping for one last drink, Mike, but I think I'm just about ready for my pit too.
Thanks for the curry - hope it doesn't prove to be a b*m burner in the morning.
Goodnight All. :beer:

fermi

Looks like I missed the party. But I did win the Pub Quiz in the real world
Too many free dinks as a prize. :eek:

The consequences tomorrow won't be virtual.

Nevermind :beer: