Will Advice

joanne79

troubleinparadise wrote: »

Sadly it sounds as though your partner's father has probably made some poor decisions when at a low ebb; this person has profitted by being there when he was grieving and lonely, and seemed to bring light and comfort at a bad time.

There have been a couple of threads on this section of the board in the last few days on just this subject.

Is it possible to become a bit more involved in his life to try to give him emotional support that has his best needs at the heart of it? Right now it sounds as though he is almost buying the "friendship" of this woman and her family.

Obviously it is his money and he has the total right to make his own choices as to how he spends it. But you may end up picking up the pieces once the money has run out, or he starts to question the cost of the friendship.

Hi thanks for reply .. We do all we can. And are trying to be there for him,unfortunately we are 250 miles away..and we go there whenever we have a holiday,if my partner can manage the drive (back problem) we have not been up since the start of the year..because of an op, but we hope partner can go to his dad on his own later this month, when it's a year since his mum died,he always phones him and gets the answer phone, and his dad seems to be shutting him out. Your right he totally has the right to do as he wishes...and it's only because I think the carer knew what she was doing that it's a problem. We have heard other stories of her that question if she actually has any morals at all...and she can certainly scheme :-( but I think you may be right, it's a case of picking up the pieces sadly

Errata

This is slightly crude, but you'll get the drift. Are you 100% confident in your own minds that your FIL has all his marbles? Perhaps as he seems to have been financially manipulated so easily, his capacity to make decisions is somewhat imparied.

joanne79

Well to be honest .....No. The whole holiday thing was very strange, we believed when he called every night that he was away from things ...and them, enjoying himself..the nights out he described down to how they got there and what they ate,but he had not been away anywhere (other family around him).He called us more while he was supposed to be away.. But was actually at home :-(

troubleinparadise

joanne79 wrote: »

Well to be honest .....No. The whole holiday thing was very strange, we believed when he called every night that he was away from things ...and them, enjoying himself..the nights out he described down to how they got there and what they ate,but he had not been away anywhere (other family around him).He called us more while he was supposed to be away.. But was actually at home :-(

Yes, that does sound a bit odd all round. And your partner will know his dad well enough that if he is behaving very out of character and alarm bells are ringing; and that gut instincts are often correct when it comes to situations like this.

And it is difficult being such a distance away - I appreciate that makes it difficult to be involved on a regular basis.

After being widowed, my mum seemed to form strong attachments to almost anyone who was "kind" to her, even just the handyman paid to come and fix things, and then would buy them xmas presents and so on; in fact she scared quite a few people off by being too over-friendly herself, and I would get phone calls from carpenters and builders who were worried that they would be misconstrued and wanted to check I was happy with either their work/invoices or her over-trusting nature. Sadly after a few years it did turn out that she was slipping into dementia.

I'm not saying that your partner's father is like that himself, but it sounds like things aren't quite right, and he needs protecting from himself, especially with less-scrupulous people around him.

Good luck

jackyann

I would definitely follow Mojisola's link, and consider contacting your local named person for safeguarding vulnerable adults (they have links with both Social services & NHS so you should be able to find them)
I doubt they will do anything from what you have described (too little to go on now) but this woman's name will then be on record, and if she does the same thing again it will begin to add up.

I know this will not help you, this woman sounds very clever at sailing just the right side of the law. Obviously there is nothing to stop adults making attachments to people they happen to meet in these circumstances. Indeed I know a nurse who has now been married for many years to a man she met when his wife was terminally ill. They were of course, very circumspect about it, with none of the behaviour you describe.
I think you can only keep in touch with him, don't criticise and make sure you listen carefully. Are there any local relatives or friends you could approach discreetly?

joanne79

Yes we are in touch with local relatives,he had told us they all knew of the situation ie the scooter and everything...but when we approached them they where as shocked as us.its hard to know when he is telling the truth now.they are always popping round but said on numerous occasions they have felt like he didn't want them there..and sometimes where not even invited in.He is a qualified photographer..and has been doing the daughters portfolio..and championing her as the next top model..which she is quite clearly not. When we where down there last we barely saw him..he was always with them,and if the phone went he was off to there's..instead of coming to the beach and photographing his grandchildren, he was taking photos of her. It scares me that they may use the girl as a tool against him. He has told us he is never alone with her..but we know he has been..and trust me this family have no morals. The mother was with a partner she didn't want to be with,and was seeing someone else..she actually told a work friend she was going to push him over the edge,so he would hit her and the she could get him arrested and he would go to prison (clearly this ex had previous history) and her plan worked he is now in prison..and she has married the other guy. when we where last down FIL was saying how her husband had a viable business plan and he was going to invest in it, cutting care home lawns for £5 each :-/. It's just a big mess, if we step up and say anything FIL will fall out with us and we can't be there to pick up pieces and it will no doubt not make a blind bit of difference, or we can sit back and wait for him to come to his senses and just be there the best we can..and as much as he let's us :-(

joanne79

That sounds wrong ...I totally trust my FIL,what I don't trust is them not to make something up and use it against him

Errata

Which they easily could if he right now doesn't have the mental capacity to understand
" FIL was saying how her husband had a viable business plan and he was going to invest in it, cutting care home lawns for £5 each "
is complete nonsense and absurd.
I think you need to make sure your FIL hasn't lost the plot, because it certainly sounds like he has.

jackyann

I am just wondering whether you could approach his GP. You could do this either by telling the receptionist that you want to come in to discuss him (this will ensure that the GP has his notes to hand) or by writing a letter.
You can explain that you realise they cannot tell you anything (breach of confidentiality) but that you would like to share with them concerns about his mental state. They will tell you there is nothing they can do until he is a danger to himself or others, but at least an initial concern will be on file.