Advice please - daughter driving me mad with money problems

jonesMUFCforever

My step daughter is in the same boat. Started at 18 with bloody mobile phones!!!! and then she got a part time job but started to spend a full time wage!
Left Uni after 18 months because of money problems (and sheer bloody laziness in that she was not doing her course work) came back to live with us and this caused friction so she left to go and live with her father who paid nothing for her upbringing.
Now he's contacting my wife wanting her to 'help' her out to sort out the collection agencies and debts etc.
She may however be turning the corner as I'm sure she is now 'blacklisted' as a defaulter and no-one will give her any more credit.
She is now arranging to pay it back and hopefully she will have learnt that you can only afford to spend money you have got - not anything else.
I have told her her credit file is totally stuffed for the next 6 years and I hope if she meets someone and wants to settle down that it will not be possible in most cases for her to get a mortage because of this.

I think the penny has dropped but as others have said on here - she is now an adult and must learn to take responsibilty for her own actions.

whatatwit

Ritac1, it sounds as though the large paying in slip is for an O2 account that has been passed to their collections/debt side.

Pop over to the Debt Free Wannabee board, there are lots of people in your situation, be it for their children or their parents. There should be lots of support and advice.

Only you know if direct confrontation will help with your daughter, but you will have to stop giving her money and make sure there is none lying around the house.

Good luck :grouphug:

ritac1

albertross wrote: »

I don't agree with the make her own mistakes theory, 18 year olds are still learning about life, especially finance, so a few wise words before things spiral out of control would be a good idea.

I wouldn't bail her out financially though, if they are old enough to take on the debt, they are old enough to work a way out of it.

Mobile phone bills are often the start of the problems - could the £444 be her outstanding phone bill?

You are right, the £444 is her outstanding mobile account, over the last few days I have had a number of 'sit down and talk' sessions with her and it eventually came to light. She tells me that she has no more debt, but then the following day I find out that she has gone over a limit on another credit card!!

She seems to have no worries about lying, almost every day something happens where I find out she has lied to me, sometimes only a small thing, sometimes a big thing.

I want to thank you all for your really helpful responses. I do agree with the majority that I should guide her but not sort it out for her. The worst thing is to watch it happen, but until she is bothered enough to do anything about it then there is not a lot I can do.

I just hope all this doesnt have a negative effect on my Credit Rating since she lives at my address.

N.B. I like the idea about the magnetic strip - isnt it great to talk - we are all so valuable to each other !!

:A

ritac1

whatatwit wrote: »

Ritac1, it sounds as though the large paying in slip is for an O2 account that has been passed to their collections/debt side.

Pop over to the Debt Free Wannabee board, there are lots of people in your situation, be it for their children or their parents. There should be lots of support and advice.

Only you know if direct confrontation will help with your daughter, but you will have to stop giving her money and make sure there is none lying around the house.

Good luck :grouphug:

You also are correct, I just got a telephone call from them.

I am going to Debt Free Wannabee board right now .....

kent_lady

Slightly off the point I know but if under 18s are getting mobile phones can't we as parents INSIST that they are Pay as you go? That way - no contracts and once you run out of credit that's it - top it up or make no calls! And therefore no chance of mobile debt at least.

Don't bail her out or she will never learn the value - as other posters state, it's her mess and she needs to realise that she has got herself into it and she needs to get herself out. She may have to get a part-time job or something....

Could the EMA be paid direct to you so that she can't get her mitts on it?!

Good luck, keep us posted.
x

Angel777

Hi i just wanted to say that she is very lukcy that she has a mum who cares enough about her TO want her to sort herself out.

Yes true she is an adult and it is up to her what she does BUT if this issue is nipped in the bud it could make a difference to the rest of her life.

I think you and your hubby should sit down with her with all of the statements and explain to her that she may not be able to get credit in future/ a mortgage/peace of mind etc. Its a downward spiral and i dont think she realises just how serious it is.

Also dont bail her out at all, this is her mess to sort out but the sooner the better.

Good luck.

ritac1

kent_lady wrote: »

Slightly off the point I know but if under 18s are getting mobile phones can't we as parents INSIST that they are Pay as you go? That way - no contracts and once you run out of credit that's it - top it up or make no calls! And therefore no chance of mobile debt at least.

Don't bail her out or she will never learn the value - as other posters state, it's her mess and she needs to realise that she has got herself into it and she needs to get herself out. She may have to get a part-time job or something....

Could the EMA be paid direct to you so that she can't get her mitts on it?!

Good luck, keep us posted.
x

She wouldnt agree to EMA being paid into my account.

I feel a lot stronger now having listened to everyones thoughts, last night when she enquired "whats wrong with you mum? why are you in a mood?". I thought about what one of the posters earlier said 'why should I worry when she clearly isnt' well how right you are.

So I told her I am not going to worry about it anymore and she knows where I am if she needs any assistance (except financial) in sorting things out.

I do feel much better about it now, and you all so right in what you say, I guess I knew it all along really but when you emotions run riot sometimes all sense goes out of the window!!

I just hope it doesnt affect my credit rating, I know it shouldnt, but things dont always happen how they should.

Anyhow, thanks again everyone, you are wonderful.:A

ritac1

kent_lady wrote: »

Slightly off the point I know but if under 18s are getting mobile phones can't we as parents INSIST that they are Pay as you go? That way - no contracts and once you run out of credit that's it - top it up or make no calls! And therefore no chance of mobile debt at least.

Don't bail her out or she will never learn the value - as other posters state, it's her mess and she needs to realise that she has got herself into it and she needs to get herself out. She may have to get a part-time job or something....

Could the EMA be paid direct to you so that she can't get her mitts on it?!

Good luck, keep us posted.
x

I agree and my daughter had PAYG until she turned 18 then she applied for her own contract. Goodness knows how the mobile phone company thought she was going to be able to afford it with an income of only £30 EMA per week !!

It worries me how kids (not just my own) are so obsessed with mobile phones these days - its like they go into Cold Turkey when they dont have their phones in their hands for 5 mins - truly unhealthy and a waste of a young life - but maybe I am just a bit old style.

Idiophreak

I was a little bit like this when I was 18-20, I guess. I didn't ever touch credit cards, but I wasn't overly truthful with my parents about the size of my overdraft etc. My gf was the same - she managed to get £1k in debt before she even started uni.

Whilst I do agree that bailing her out financially isn't a good idea, I really don't think this "let her make her own mistakes" suggestion is overly helpful. If you can see she's messing things up (which she clearly is) you've got to try and do something about it.

Talking to her about it (as you have been doing) is clearly the best way to get started. At 18 she isn't a kid, so should be able to tell you quite openly what she's spending money on, why she needs it etc. You need to try and get communications opened in an adult way. It's a two way thing - you have to try and make it clear to her that a "grown up" would just be honest and let you know what's going on - but at the same time she needs to feel confident that she can tell you things without you judging/flying off the handle at her.

Once you've got a good dialogue going, you need to try and get through to her the idea that being in debt isn't fun - that, at some point, she's going to have to pay the money back - and when that time comes, she's not going to be able to afford to go out with her mates, she won't be able to afford to get a flat with her bf etc etc etc.

I'm paying off my student debts now and it's a horrible feeling of treading water - you've really got to try and do as much as you can to stop her from needlessly having the same feeling.

ifstar

My mother in law continually bails out my sister in law much to my wife's annoyance. She keeps running up bills - catalogue, mobile or credit card and keeps getting helped out although since she got engaged I don't think my MIL has been helping out as much (or not that we have been told).
That said, I think even if MIL didn't help out then SIL would probably bury her head in the sand as this is what she was doing anyway.

I think by trying to talk to your daughter, you are doing the right thing. I think you need to explain to her that it's her life and if she does rack up the debt then it will be her that suffers as she WILL have to pay it back at some point. Personally, I would buy her Martins' money diet book and leave it out on her bed so she can find it and see if she reads it. Perhaps that might set a bell off in her head. You could also say that you are finding it very hurtful that she keeps telling you lies and that you are only trying to help but you can only do that if she is honest with you and you won't go mad if she reveals she has a mountain of debt.