Oh Brother! I need to help him....

loveasale

Hello all...
Towards the end of last yer and beginning of this I had a hard time result was my marriage ended, I got some wonderful advice and support from you all. I'm still on my own but very happy and boys doing well, thanks
I now need to help my brother, he and his wife split over a year ago, for a year before that they live 'separated in the same house'
They were together for27 years, he has always worked but she has never had a job and always been a stay at home mum.
They have 3 kids - eldest lives with a partner, middle one is 23 but like her mum doesn't work, the youngest is 13 and is autistic .
My SIL gets carers allowance , I'm not what else she gets?
They have huge debts,, massive mortgage , catalogs, HP, CCs and so on, my brother has no idea of the total debts and SIL won't give written proof (bills etc)
He pays £65 a week to some debt company and on top pays his EX £1000 a month :eek:
Because of this he has nothing and can only live in a one room house share!
He is being really loyal and prepared to pay his share I for one can see why , however I feel she is slightly taking the pee?
I'm not in debt ( years ago I learnt the hard way) so I turn to you all for help.
He doesn't have any legal separation , do you think he should start there?
I really want to help him!
Any advice please.....:D

pinkshoes

For starters, with that much debt, the house NEEDS to be sold before it's reposessed!

Could he not move back in rather than live in 'poverty' as obviously, he can't go on like that forever!

elsien

Why is he paying her £1000 a month? How was that figure arrived at?

miss_independent

loveasale wrote: »

Hello all...
Towards the end of last yer and beginning of this I had a hard time result was my marriage ended, I got some wonderful advice and support from you all. I'm still on my own but very happy and boys doing well, thanks
I now need to help my brother, he and his wife split over a year ago, for a year before that they live 'separated in the same house'
They were together for27 years, he has always worked but she has never had a job and always been a stay at home mum.
They have 3 kids - eldest lives with a partner, middle one is 23 but like her mum doesn't work, the youngest is 13 and is autistic .
My SIL gets carers allowance , I'm not what else she gets?
They have huge debts,, massive mortgage , catalogs, HP, CCs and so on, my brother has no idea of the total debts and SIL won't give written proof (bills etc)
He pays £65 a week to some debt company and on top pays his EX £1000 a month :eek:
Because of this he has nothing and can only live in a one room house share!
He is being really loyal and prepared to pay his share I for one can see why , however I feel she is slightly taking the pee?
I'm not in debt ( years ago I learnt the hard way) so I turn to you all for help.
He doesn't have any legal separation , do you think he should start there?
I really want to help him!
Any advice please.....:D[/

Sorry, I don't have much advice just wanted to say my brother is in an almost identical situation - renting and paying two mortgages (interest only) plus SIL's debt, and supporting the kids. He has nothing for himself. She doesn't work and they live Overseas so she doesn't get financial aid. I know it's hard to watch. I don't have money myself but sometimes send him a small cheque to buy himself a few pints at the pub with his mates for morale as he does nothing for his own enjoyment.

I wish he would divorce her because she is taking the rip and making them sink even further but it's none of my business I suppose. Isn't there a debt counsellors or citizens advice that you could suggest?

loveasale

She says she needs it for repaying debts and to live,,,
He's let her rule his life for so long and allowing her to still do so.
He says he has to still pay as he doesn't want the youngest left homeless...
I think she has him as a fool -- and he is!

miss_independent

loveasale wrote: »

She says she needs it for repaying debts and to live,,,
He's let her rule his life for so long and allowing her to still do so.
He says he has to still pay as he doesn't want the youngest left homeless...
I think she has him as a fool -- and he is!

Do we have the same brother?! All I can suggest then is, as it's just as much of an emotional issue as a financial one, you suggest he seeks counselling from someone specialising in divorce/separation. Hopefully he will be able to make sense of what his real responsibilities to her are and what they aren't. My thoughts re my SIL are that she is trying to punish him so that they will get back together - financially it would be easier if they lived together but emotionally it would potentially take my brothers life.

Gigglepig

If their finances have not been settled yet perhaps the 1k he is paying is towards debt they are jointly responsible for.

If the 13yo is disabled, working might not be an option for ex-sil, and he is trying to be a responsible parent?

perhaps you should not judge him as a fool when you don't know the full circumstances?

loveasale

miss_independent wrote: »

Do we have the same brother?! All I can suggest then is, as it's just as much of an emotional issue as a financial one, you suggest he seeks counselling from someone specialising in divorce/separation. Hopefully he will be able to make sense of what his real responsibilities to her are and what they aren't. My thoughts re my SIL are that she is trying to punish him so that they will get back together - financially it would be easier if they lived together but emotionally it would potentially take my brothers life.

Yes she has asked him to move back in! She goes to bingo most night, and when she's not at bingo she goes fishing with a male friend, ( she spent £2000 on there eldest child's CC without them knowing about it)
My brother needs to 'man up' , I know that, but she has such a hold on him .
He now has sort of met someone, but it won't go anywhere as no one will put up with him giving nearly all his wages to his EX.

miss_independent

loveasale wrote: »

Yes she has asked him to move back in! She goes to bingo most night, and when she's not at bingo she goes fishing with a male friend, ( she spent £2000 on there eldest child's CC without them knowing about it)
My brother needs to 'man up' , I know that, but she has such a hold on him .
He now has sort of met someone, but it won't go anywhere as no one will put up with him giving nearly all his wages to his EX.

It's hard when you feel your loved ones are being taken advantage of but, as hard as it is, sometimes you have to step back and support him whilst letting him do what he does. You don't to lose him and, as hard as it is, he has to make his own decisions. Do you think it will ever dawn on him that he is being taken advantage of? Maybe this "someone" will help turn things around? If he thinks he may lose her because of the ex?

I do empathise. My parents and I are gutted watching my brother and the kids. The only thing worse than this would be if SIL got him to take her back

elsien

Perhaps the first step then would be for him to see a solicitor to see where he would stand legally on the house/debts/maintenance etc. If he can't afford one, one of the free half hour consultatations might give him a starting point.
He's not going to get anywhere until he understands properly what his genuine obligations are, as opposed to what she's telling him they are. However if I were him I'd only be paying towards the debts that are his and that he knows about. Any in her name are her problem to sort out- for all he knows, she's carrying on running more up in the meantime.
Does your SIL understand that they need to be able to have a sensible conversation about money in order to start sorting things out? I know he doesn't want to see his child homeless, but if they lose the house that's exactly what's going to happen whether he likes it or not. Being charitable, she might be doing an ostrich impression and hoping it all goes away, as opposed to deliberately taking him for a ride.
He needs to start telling her like it is, if he can. A relative of mine was in a similar situation, and as long he let her, she kept pushing for more. Communication is clearly the best way to go, but SIL might need a bit of a prod to start realising that herself.

Edit - and any joint credit cards etc, could he cancel them to stop anything else going on? Ditto any catalogues etc that are in her name that he's paying for, if that's the case. He really needs to making sure he's not going to end up liable for spending that's nothing to do with him since they split.

loveasale

I'm a really fair person and always look at both sides of the story. So although he's my brother I see fault on both sides, he's allowed her to live that way and spend as she pleased.
My brother has ( finally ) asked if I can help him.
The rest of my family have been saying he's a mad fool for years, he paid for her to have gastric surgery and then to have all the excess skin removed, then she put all the weight back on!
He can't afford legal advice.
I said a written letter to his wife asking for the details of the out standing debts and saying he will only pay his half of ones in his name and joint names plus anything spent since he moved out is not his responsibility .
We could give her 2 weeks to get the info together , but not sure what or where to go from there ? Threaten legal proceedings? Hope she doesn't call his bluff? !
Poor chap has nothing- he walked away with nowt and after a year he is no better off,,,
He will not default or go bankrupt , he so loyal and wants to pay off what he owes,,, but I'm not sure he knows the half of it!