Help with parents!

Mojisola

tootiemac wrote: »

When I say they ask to much i mean like the time his Step-dad asked for £400 (when he had 2 jobs) to buy a limited edition lego model.

Or the £250 they asked for a week before xmas (after the 2nd job finished) to buy "presents". Of which they spent barely £50 on him and almost £130 on his brother.

He hasn't had the spare cash to fill his tank since the beginning of December and yet his SD still expects his to drive him places that would take 5 minutes to walk to.

He needs to practise saying "No".

tootiemac

Trust me I have heard him say "No" and tell them he has nothing to give them.

I have seen it spiral like he'd taken out a payday loan (LIKE not has) Where he tells them that he has nothing and they just keep telling him they "need" X Amount. So every so often i loan him the money and he gives it back when he gets paid leaving him short for the next month too and then they ask again.

He needs out and he needs out fast.(at least that's what I think)

poppysarah

tootiemac wrote: »

He needs out and he needs out fast.(at least that's what I think)

Yup.

But you need to sit down and have a hugely grown up conversation about your future with him.

You know what he should do. But you're not him, and he has to make decisions that work for him. Just as you have to protect your future hopes and dreams by having the hard conversation.

Don't start it "Listen, we have to talk..." though

Families are often more hard work than they should be for less reward than you'd expect.

tootiemac

He's trying to make moves going to see the housing people for advice 2moro.

we hadnt got round to going to the bank/ building societies yet, so no quick answer there.

PaddedJohn i am not completely sure. but I would like to say no the tenancy is just under the parents name. but all 4 of them got a letter on friday which is what makes me uncertain.

At this point in time we are thinking (mainly his idea I would rather buy) that a short term answer is to move out and rent but this will slice our saving ability to a 1/4 of its potential.

tonycottee

If, like you say, the mortgage is going in your name then his credit rating should have little impact.

mrsbmartin

Right...most people will think I am an awful, awful woman for saying this but...

If at all possible, your partner should move in with you (I know if you are at your parents it will be tough but you can just promise them a wedding and babies to look forward to...hehe).

He should cut all financial ties to his parents, his brother and that house. He should stop giving lifts etc and only help them to sort themselves out by aiding with liasing with the council, charities etc. However, if they continue to guilt-trip him and demand money etc he needs to cut his ties with them. To what extent he did this would be up to him...he might be able to visit them and just be a son and brother (and ban all talk of finances etc), he might have to put off all contact for a while.

It sounds awful I know but he needs to start putting himself first. His family is putting his future in danger because they have little to no respect for him. No-one would put up with this behaviour from someone who wasn't related to them.

(Please don't hate me people...I just hate it when people have that whole 'blood is thicker than water' mentality when relatives are clearly not good for an individual. I cut all ties with my entire family years ago and it was a massive weight off my shoulders - I've never been happier).

thelem

tootiemac wrote: »

He hasn't had the spare cash to fill his tank since the beginning of December and yet his SD still expects his to drive him places that would take 5 minutes to walk to.

How much is he paying towards bills and rent at the moment, and how much would you expect him to pay if you bought somewhere together? It sounds to me like it would really be you buying the house and just putting his name on the mortgage because he's your partner and you feel you should own it together. If you were expecting him to make a significant contribution to the mortgage, can he really afford it? If not, what share of the property would he get if you were to split up or either of you were to die?

mrsbmartin

With regards to the mortgage...I'm in a similar situation but on the other side. I have a terrible credit rating (I earn a decent wage - I just screwed up when I was younger, in part due to a rubbish family) so my husband to be (HATE the word 'fiance') is going to be the sole owner of the house. This is one of my own stipulations. We hope we will live in the house (yet to be bought) for 5 or 6 years. By that time, we hope to have built up my credit rating enough so that we can apply for a joint mortgage and get a bigger property. If I was you I would try and draw up some sort of agreement that stipulates who is entitled to what if the relationship breaks down and keep it updated as circumstances change. Everyone thinks they will be together forever but it's so often not the case...

tootiemac

On the thought of how much he pays its around £50pm plus shopping (alot of shopping as he works in a supermarket). This is excluding the money the "need". I had always been lead to believe that the money they received in benefits was enough to cover the rents etc. obv. not true at the mo.

We have decided that it will be my mortgage his name will be added when the fixed term is over and he has a job which allows his the credit rating he needs. The problem with his name is he is something like bob b boyle and his SDis bob boyle no middle.

Mrsbmartin we are in total agreement that he needs out and to cut the ties. he understands they are taking him down with them and an agreement of said facts such as splitting the assets sound like a great idea.

I know that he may not be capable of bringing in large amounts to the home but recent events such as losing his better paying 2nd job (just as well he kept the little one on) have put us back a bit in our plans and then this has forced our hand slightly.

My plan of action:
1. Read this letter given to him
2.Get onto housing see what we can do.
3. Check our credit files
4. Hope to someone he finds a better job soon or he may have to live in council housing on his own for a while.
it not that i dont want to move in with him and my parents said he can move in here its just that he mayb better off out there on his own till we get it sorted.

if anyone has any suggestion on how to:
1.Confirm he isn't a tenant just an occupier.
2. best people to ask about his best path
3. Insure neither of us get hit with this

Also does anyone know if the bailiffs can take things from his room if he isn't responsible for the debt?

mrsbmartin

tootiemac wrote: »

Also does anyone know if the bailiffs can take things from his room if he isn't responsible for the debt?

I might be wrong but so far as I understand it, the bailiffs can take his things (tv, ps3 etc if he has them) unless he can produce receipts to prove they are his (this assumes that he isn't named on the debt). Someone else will know more though...

As for moving out...he should see HB and find out if he qualifies for it and if he does - a houseshare may be less costly and more desirable than council acc.