ive made such a mess of things

barnaby-bear

FBaby wrote: »

You need to separate what you want for you from the relationship, and what you want in terms of being part of a family. There are two separate issues.

My view is that you owe your children (especially the one on the way) to give it a try. Having a baby with him might bring feelings for him that you maybe wouldn't have without the baby, so there is always a chance that you do fall in love with him with time. At the same time, I would definitely not lead him on to believe that you are without doubts about the future. Don't use him to have the family you want making him believe that you love him if you don't yet. He also has the right to have a choice as to what to do.

Isn't this a film plot? http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0478311/

Robisere

My own daughter has two children by two different fathers. It is not bias which makes me say that she is not a 'Tramp', she is a loving daughter and a wonderful mother who has made her own independent way in life after bad circumstances. The first married her after giving her my smashing 19 year old g-son, then left her on her own in a strange place with a very young baby and wound up with another one who WAS a tramp. After my Dau. divorced him, he married the second and she eventually gave him the boot, also divorced him. This made Dau. very strong and she has made a great life for herself, met another guy but does not live with him, he has his own place. She also has his 7 year old daughter, our gorgeous g-dau. She says that she cannot live with him, although he obviously loves her and dotes on our g-d, but stays with him at weekends at his place, only a few miles away.

This sounds really awkward I know, put into bald words like that, but it works for them. They both work, so does our g-son, our g-d is at a nearby school and mum picks her up after school. They each have a good home, the kids all get on and we have a great extended family, with an uncle and cousins for those two nearby. It sounds complicated, but in practice it works for the whole family.

So, why not try this yourself? Talk to him about this after your daughter is asleep and the house is quiet, possibly over a quiet drink.If you both have separate homes, and spend some time together at weekends, just let time either bring you closer together, or allow you the time you need to see if your feelings for this guy to grow or die. Do not make a decision based upon how your daughter feels about him, or how you would like to have a "Real" family. Just let it develop in its own way.

Finally: do you not have a mum, or other family member/friend, that you can talk with about this? My daughter and her mum are very close, as I am to our son, she can talk to mum about anything. (before it gets transmitted to dad, in one form or another!)

I wish you all the luck (and love) for you and your children, in the world.

Welshwoofs

lilmissclass wrote: »

i dont know becuse the relationship is so new that we should almost forget the baby and spend time going on dates and getting to know each other and see how that goes.

he knows and is fully standing by us. and i obviously had feelings for him once.

Im in my 30's and have a 2yr old daughter who dotes on him and vice versa.

I'm another who's confused by your postings Op. You say it's a new relationship and you should really be just getting to know each other, but then on the other hand you say you had 'feelings for him once' which sort of implies that you've known him a long time and your 2yr old doting on him definitely implies you've known him a long time as I'd find it hard to reconcile that a man and child could build up that much of a bond if you've just dated a few times and you barely know him yourself.

Was this chap a friend before you dated him or something of that nature? If not, then it sounds to me that in your quest to get married and settle down you've pressed the fast-forward button on this relationship, introduced him to your child too quickly, done the unprotected sex thing and now your brief infatuation with him has died you've woken up and realised you're up !!!!!! creek without the proverbial paddle.

Anyway - a baby is on its way and you're lucky that he's happy to stand by you. That's a good start. Should you force yourself to have a relationship with this chap if you barely know him? No. If you have no feelings for him then you should tell him that rather than dabble and possibly hurt him. At least because there's no broken hearts at the moment you can be civil and hopefully go forward to have a positive parenting experience between you.

Difficult situation to be in, but you know where you've gone wrong (rushing) so just don't repeat the mistake by rushing off in a different direction with little thought.

lilmissclass

thanks for all the helpful posts.

For those that were confused, no i have only known him a few months and at the start i had very intense feelings. when i did introduce my daughter to him when he met my entire family they got on like a house on fire and just clicked. I see him only on weekends now my choice and if my daughter is there she is delighted and goes bonkers for him, he seems as taken with her. To clear something up this is the first ive dated since breaking up with her father who she sees and the first person ive introduced her too. I am not trying to fast forward into a real family and marriage because i am happy to go it alone.
Said gentleman knows his feelings are much stronger than mine.

Yes i have talked it over with my mum then dad who both like him and how he is with their granddaughter. And both have asked could it be something that will grow in time, but if it definitely wont then call it off and allow him access to the baby but make it clear its over so as not to lead him on.

ive only got my head around being pregnant.

I would like to have feelings for him like he has for me. but if it doesnt come naturally theres nothing i can do. i just dont know at what point i call it a day.

Thank you for the amount of people that said it didnt make me a tramp, that means alot to me.