Struggling Stay at Home Mum

suziebeau

Looking at your signature, your little ones are still very little - and very close in age, it must be very tough going at the moment, even though you love them to bits! I will say hang in there though, it will start getting easier soon, as you will have nursery provision for at least a couple of mornings a week. it's amazing how much you can fit into 3 child free hours when you have to!

That won't solve the financial arrangement you and your husband have though, so I'd follow the good advice you've already been given.

I went back to work, I would have gone mental stuck at home and I started my own business about 18 months ago with a couple of my former colleagues. My kids are 4 and 6 now, and as my own boss I can work around school drop off times and finish things off once they are in bed if needs be. What did you do work wise? Is it something you could freelance in and do around nursery / school hours once they get a bit bigger? That might help with the isolation / independence issues?

Good luck, I really admire stay at home mums!

Mojisola

brednall wrote: »

WHen we got together, he was adamant that we didn't have a joint account as his first wife 'stung' him through this even though we discussed the fact that I was nothing like her. I am grateful that he pays the bills etc and i know he would gladly hand over whatever money I asked for but I have always been financially independent and earned my own money and I have had trouble adapting to this new way of life I suppose.

You don't have to have a joint account but you also shouldn't feel you are "asking" for money when you need it.

Let him keep the main account in his name to pay all the bills, including the children's needs. As described in other posts, work out what is "spare" each month and divide that in two. Your half goes into an account in your name. That is now your money.

I often feel isolated in the home with my children and miss other adult conversation. I vist my Mum in the week but try to keep structure with the childrens' routine and that can cause arguments too.

There are plenty of ways of getting out of the house so that you can talk to other adults. Look around notice boards - the GPs, the library, shopping centre, etc. for information about clubs and other meetings.

Are you married or living together?

pinkpixie_2

I really feel for you, I found being at home with small children really hard to do, and returned to work after maternity leave both times. My boys are 21 months and nearly 4 now.

While I was off, all our money went into a joint 'melting pot' so I didn't have the issues you do. But I did earn some extra £s so that I felt like I was contributing financially - mostly doing online surveys in the evenings and I took on some exam marking work too.

You sound like you don't go out too much and meet people. With such small children, it's so important, I used to make sure we had something to go to every day, including play groups, coffee mornings, story time at the local library, etc. Most things were free but at most it was £1.50 to include a drink and a biscuit.

I think this might give you some more perspective so you can see that while you are not contributing financially, you are contributing to your children's wellbeing and proper upbringing. You are doing something I couldn't, being a SAHM (or dad) is the hardest job in the world. x

oldhand

Just reading your post and I really feel for you.Im certainly much older than you having children and grandchildren but when my wife and I wed many years back we like most couples then knew we were as the ceremony said "marrying for better or worse,richer or poorer." We knew also we would sink or swim together so from day one all our money was just that, ours she ran the house and spent as she saw fit (assuming we had it) and if she wanted to buy something for herself she done so as I did.
Anything expensive we would discuss it and then decide if we could afford it or not and when the kids arrived they and the home took first call on the money and both our wants came second place,there was never any question of her money and mine.
A couple of my daughters are wed now and although their financial arrangements with their husbands are no business of mine they seem to be getting along well with their lives and I like to think a little of the way we worked passed on to them.
Not sure if I read your post correct regarding money going into the childrens accounts but if you are struggling with money you should be using all the money available to you now rather than saving it for the children for later,best of luck.

mummyroysof3

who decides how much you get given each month? its just that if it was decided a while ago it might need revising as things such as food etc have gone up in price. might be time to have a chat about it.

ellesbellesxxx

Hi
Would really recommend doing surveys as another way of getting some money in - some pay vouchers but some are cash!
Would really recommend heading to your local library - so many of my friends have met people at groups there - baby bounce, baby music - people who they have a little social net work with.

It must be very frustrating not to have had any luck with Avon - is there another patch you could try?

Good luck x

bbh30

I was a SAHM for 2 years with kids similar ages to yours and I hated it. I love my kids but it was just such hard, relentless, lonely work. I actually went back to work, even though my entire salary went on childcare. I saw it as an investment in my long term future- even though it wasn't making me any money at that time. My kids are now 5 and 6 and both at school and now the money I earn I actually get to keep! And since they started school I managed to rejig my hours so I start late and finish early so I can do both school runs- because I had been working there a few years by this point and had "proved my worth".

The things I find that helpedwhen I was a SAHM were making sure I got out every single day with the children- we used to go to lots of toddler groups( churches run lots- usually for about £1 or so), or the park, walk to feed the ducks, friends houses etc. I also spend all the child benefit on the children- if you are short now there is no point in saving it.

missindecisive

I just wanted to add aswell that mother and toddler groups are worth a visit if your children are that age...I realised how much I enjoyed the adult company once I stopped going and my children were older. Also, in our house I never managed to save any of our child benefit, it is always used for food and clothing, shoes,school trips, etc

haybel19

I am a stay at home mummy, I have a beautiful daughter who is 15wks old tomorrow, I have no plans to return to work, we would need a second car and childcare so costs outweigh benefits.

All of our money goes into one pot and whatever is left is to spend as we see fit. OH see's my role as equal to his, even though i contribute very little financially- it is very much 'our' money...

Like you I ebay (great way of decluttering and making a few pounds which makes me feel great).

I used to do avon about 4 years ago and found it very hard going, and made very little given the time involved- if you feel the same there is no point flogging a dead horse so to speak- I found this made me feel worse.

I am a craft addict too- mainly cardmaking/papercraft and am very lucky in the that I have done articles for Papercraft Essentials and Craftseller. I am also on a design team producing samples which are used by the company for trade shows and create and craft tv shows. We get sent lots and lots of goodies- perhaps being on a design team is something you could look at? I sent pictures of my work via email to tons of companies- before I got offered a place (the same tactic is how I came to write for magazines).

I've tried craft fairs and selling on folksy and find them very hit and miss, and rarely make much this way more often a loss given time, materials cost of stall etc. The other thing to look at is being a craft demonstrator, lots of companies need them- would be a little pocket money doing something you love, and the chance to meet other people.

Mystery shopping can be quite good for extra pennies and getting out of the house, I;ve also started doing online surveys for vouchers/cash. There is a great thread on here regarding online earning, the increasing your income forum is fab too and full of ideas

Good luck :j

carrielovesfanta

Hi op,

Although I don't have children, we dropped to a single income for a year so that my husband could do a university access course. During that time we felt it was very important to each have money of our own.

Assuming that your dh can afford it, I suggest that he gives you an amount each month, separate to the housekeeping that is yours to spend how you choose.

In our house we do split the "pocket money" down the middle but I understand that this may be a big step for your dh if he has been let down before by his ex.

Clf