Struggling Stay at Home Mum

brednall

JUst need to share and see if anyone here can offer me any advice as I am sure there are lots more people out there in the same situation.

I am a stay at home mum with 2 small children. I have no income of my own except the money my DH 'pays' me each month for housekeeping. This covers the shopping each week plus day to day expenses and a couple of direct debits that I have each month.

It was a joint decision for me to not return to work but I miss it and the adult interaction that work provided but childcare costs do not make it worthwhile. I try to ebay lots of stuff from the house and some small success has come from this. I have also started avon but this is not working well either. I craft and cross stitch and have tried to sell my things at fairs but again with not much success.

Feeling very frustrated at the moment and I don't want to go for more 'hand outs' from DH. We only receive Child benefit, some of which I keep and the rest is split between my childrens accounts.

Sorry for venting but just feeling frustrated.

Gr33ng1ng3r

Oh I do remember this feeling so well! I do remember thinking if I had another conversation about the merits of nappies / potty training etc I would scream. I sat my OH down and told him how I was feeling and we managed to find a bit of time each week just for me and we budgeted for that. You need to be feeling well to do the best for your family. Sometimes I would swim or run, sometimes I would meet a friend for coffee. Eventually I started volunteering through church 1/2 day every fortnight which led to 1 day per week paid employment when my children went to school. The money was peanuts but the joy of having my own income (£100 per month!) and meeting people who knew ME and not as someone's mum was immeasurable! I would recommend volunteering - it allows you to keep work skills updated for when you do go back to the workplace and does give you some life of your own.

With regard to making a bit more money, wait until your children are asleep, sit down with a coffee and read the forums on here. There's lots of good stuff and advice!

You are not alone!

Good luck.

tallyhoh

Hi, are you saying that you dont want to ask for any more "hand outs" because your OH cant spare the cash or you feel that its begging?

There is a forum on here for increasing your income which is very useful, I do surveys etc which help towards christmas.

Okydoky25

I could have wrote this myself! It's not about the money is it. Well most of the time. It's more the fact you have ask for it. Drives e nuts if I want to get my hair done (not often) but I have to ask for the cash. He would never say no but that's not the point. And then I need to arrange childcare. If DH needs a haircut he just goes and gets it done when ever he needs to. More than anything it annoys me that he just doesn't see the problem!

Anyway no help just to say your not alone and I will be interested to hear the replies! X

harrys_dad

As a man I have to say I sympathise with you a great deal. In my view the way you sort out money between you is very outdated, and seems to give him all the advantages. Do you know how much he brings home? Do you know what he spends it on? Do you know how much "spare" cash he has each month?

Why should you scrimp and save to being up his children whilst he has financial freedom? The money he gives you is not "hand outs". You BOTH contribute to the running of your household equally, but in different ways, and you are BOTH entitled to an equal say on how money is spent. Relationships should be an equal partnership.

Perhaps next time you chat to him about this you could consider raising these issues and doing a shared household budget, where you sort out essential expenditure and share equally any surplus left over. If he will not go along with this maybe you should ask him for a contribution to you to pay for childcare.

Sorry to vent a little, and I apologise in advance for criticising your arrangements, but men like that are not really accepting their responsibilites are they, and you are allowing him to avoid them.

missindecisive

I am at sahm like you and dh works full time. The way we do things in our house is like this. Dh wage goes into the bank account. We pay all the bills/mortgage/direct debits etc then whats left gets divided into four (or five) depending on how many weeks there is left until next pay day.
we make sure that we have covered all of our outgoings including food and petrol etc. Then what is left is our spends and it is divided equally between us. If I want my hair doing at the hairdressers I will save up for it out of my spends for example. (except I don't I cut and colour it myself but thats my choice). If he wants to buy a treat for himself it goes out of his spends.

I think the reason why this system works is that Dh values what I am doing by being at home for our young children. We have discussed me going back to work but at the moment, this works for us to have one parent at home. He sees it as my full time job in the home, and although I am not paid a wage as such, he sees my role as equal to his role in going out to work. He does not 'keep' me, I do not feel as if I need to 'ask' for handouts for things. If we need to buy something together, say a car or a large appliance or a new kitchen, we discuss it together and make a plan on how we will pay for it.

I think voluntary work is ideal if you feel like you are going crazy at home, it gets you out of the house and it may lead you to future work.

Mojisola

brednall wrote: »

I am a stay at home mum with 2 small children. I have no income of my own except the money my DH 'pays' me each month for housekeeping. This covers the shopping each week plus day to day expenses and a couple of direct debits that I have each month.

Did you both decide this was the best way to organise your money? Since we became a couple, we've always worked on the basis that any money coming into the household is joint money. It doesn't matter who earned it.

I couldn't live with someone who just gave me enough money to cover the shopping. You're working - probably more hours than he does. Why shouldn't you be sharing the household income?

McKneff

Your OH has taken on the responsibility of a family, not a donation to you to run it.

If he is the only one working then he should be paying for it all.

Tell him you want nothing and tell him to do all the shopping and anything else to do with running the household. He was part of the decision making.

Clothe your children from the Child Benefit you receive. I feel I must point out that Child Benefit is for the benefit of the children on a day to day basis, not savings for their future.

MrsH070707

Interestingly I am on the other side of the fence; DH and I both had well paid, successful careers but when our Daughter was born my higher salary and more flexible company meant that it made the best financial sense for me to go back to work and for him to give up his company position and become a stay-at-home-dad. I earn the sole wage in our family and I 'pay' money into his account every month to cover petrol, mortgage (we never moved the DD) and essentials. I personally would do anything to swap positions; I hate the fact that I do not get to spend daytimes with my daughter, taking her swimming and to the park and drawing and reading etc but I am unimaginably grateful that we are in a position to have one of us at home to look after her and that I at least get to see her for a couple of hours in the evening before she goes to bed (I leave the house at 6am, way before they are even up!)

If you feel uncomfortable 'asking' him for money then maybe work out all your DD/Bill payments and suggest the remainder goes into a joint account where you both have cards and access to statements - that way you could dip in and out (i.e. to get your haircut or whatever) without having to ask for extra on top of your normal allowance?

Child care is a job in itself so I wouldn't feel like they were handouts if I were you, that seems kind of unhealthy.

Do you have any skills? Maybe check out Elance or other freelancer sites that allow you (for free) to bid for projects such as writing, designing etc etc. Unfortunately Avon/Kleeneze etc all seem to be a dying concept these days with the bargains you can get on the web.

Sorry I can't be of my help but believe me when I say, the grass isn't always greener xxxx

foxgloves

This sounds like maybe a bit of an old-fashioned way to manage finances. I gave up work within the last couple of years & before doing so, the agreement was that my role would now be primarily running the household, keeping on top of the veg garden & managing all the money....that includes doing a budget every month, paying bills, researching & changing suppliers to get best deals, targeting savings towards things we want or need to do....for instance a holiday, or Christmas, a big car repair bill, emergency fund, etc, sorting out presents, etc. I felt better about this, as I'd always worked & still wanted to play my part, not just be at home while he earned the money. Each month when I set the budget, I allow a set agreed amount for each of us which is for us to spend exactly as we like. If we are more flush that month, I'll allow a bit more. If we want something expensive then we can put aside money from that sum to save for it. This is working well. I've turned out to be the stronger budgeter, have more time to do it properly & partner can see that as we now have an emergency fund & a small amount of savings, which we never managed before. It also feels as though we are equals, which of course we are, & as I do all the household accounting, I feel that my contribution has a significant financial value.

brednall

Hi

Thanks for all your replies. It is interesting to read other peoples views on a similar situation.

WHen we got together, he was adamant that we didn't have a joint account as his first wife 'stung' him through this even though we discussed the fact that I was nothing like her. I am grateful that he pays the bills etc and i know he would gladly hand over whatever money I asked for but I have always been financially independent and earned my own money and I have had trouble adapting to this new way of life I suppose.

I often feel isolated in the home with my children and miss other adult conversation. I vist my Mum in the week but try to keep structure with the childrens' routine and that can cause arguments too.

We will work things out and I agree with the earlier poster that I sometimes feel a bit jealous of his 'freedom' in nipping off somewhere without hours of planning and bag packing!!!

THanks for listening

Emma