Am I a witch?

Nottoobadyet

OK confessions first - I'm a tight b******. I stress way too much about money. I have saved very hard to get where I am, and there is no family wealth anywhere so what I save is all that I will have in life. Savings are important to me because they are the only way I'll ever have a house / stable retirement / whatever, but I realize I need to chill a bit. I haven't had money from anyone else (now-paid-back loans for Uni and birthday gifts excepted) since I was 17.

Recently my OH (1.5 years together, living together, no children or any on the horizon) has come across some hard times for his business. No problem, Im earning well so I've taken on all the household expenses, and diverted rent from one of our roommates to his account. I pay for emergencies like medical expenses (we live far, far outside the NHS!) and treats like dinners out. I'm happy that I have the financial security to do this.

A friend of his is coming to visit at the end of this month. Great news, we dont get visitors often. He is planning on a weekend away with her (Im not worried about fidelity) which will cost about £100 or so. I'm invited as an afterthought.

This has made me irrationally annoyed. Personally, I would never put something like this in front of household expenses, especially if I was relying on someone else for them. Its not loads of money at all in the scheme of things, but even when he was making money (he works very, very hard) there was never enough time or cash for us to go away for the weekend unless I planned everything. I tried to discuss how I felt about it with him and he says he's not willing to feel bad because his friends don't come to visit often.

I recently cancelled plans to go see my family in the US because of money, though that is obviously is infinitely more expensive. Its not that he's exploiting the situation generally - he has in some ways adjusted his lifestyle to reduced means.

Am I being too much of a tightwad, or is this something worth fighting over?

BitterAndTwisted

It's your money, so you can be as tight with it as you wish.

You're paying all the household expenses and giving him the money from your room-mate as well? Frankly, I think he's got a ruddy nerve to earmark YOUR MONEY for anything at all if you're supporting him in this way. And that's putting it very mildly indeed. Being asked to join them purely as an afterthought is such a massive insult, to boot.

I'd be showing this chancer the door.

Sambucus_Nigra

I don't understand - either she is coming to visit or they are going away together. Either way - for you to be an afterthought means maybe deciding not to divert money to his account and requesting that he pays his half. If that's the way he is playing things, with you not in the foremost in his mind, then you need to look after no 1.

Nice.

mountainofdebt

BitterAndTwisted wrote: »

It's your money, so you can be as tight with it as you wish.

You're paying all the household expenses and giving him the money from your room-mate as well? Frankly, I think he's got a ruddy nerve to earmark YOUR MONEY for anything at all if you're supporting him in this way. And that's putting it very mildly indeed. Being asked to join them purely as an afterthought is such a massive insult, to boot.

I'd be showing this chancer the door.

I think that's a little harsh - even the OP has admitted that the OH works hard and has adjusted his lifestyle according to his now reduced status. Also it could be that the rent money is going into the OH's acount so he doesn't have to go cup in hand when he needs money

OP could it be that your up bringing has clouded the way you're looking at this (especially as you've admitted you're a tight wad?)

Personally I would have been more upset about not being invited and then be invited as an afterthought.

Fae

I don't think you are being a tightwad at all.

I'm in a very similar situation with my OH, and would be fuming if he did this.

I agree with Sambucus Nigra, if he can afford to go away with his friend then he can afford to pay his share of the bills, and doesn't need the rent money you have been diverting to him.

Fae

Mojisola

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

A friend of his is coming to visit at the end of this month. Great news, we dont get visitors often. He is planning on a weekend away with her (Im not worried about fidelity) which will cost about £100 or so. I'm invited as an afterthought.

Its not loads of money at all in the scheme of things, but even when he was making money (he works very, very hard) there was never enough time or cash for us to go away for the weekend unless I planned everything.

I tried to discuss how I felt about it with him and he says he's not willing to feel bad because his friends don't come to visit often.

I don't think it's entirely a money problem, although that would annoy me as well.

He's never made the effort to arrange something for you as a couple yet he has for an old friend.

You've tried to tell him that it's upset you and he's brushing off your feelings as not being valid.

I would be reassessing the relationship.

sooty&sweep

Hi
Firstly I totally agree with the concept of saving and living within your means BUT I also believe that money is tool to allow you to do things with your life.

What's your partners general attitude to money ? Is it generally good or is he spendthrift ? If he's spendthrift then I could be irritated. Where is his friend from ? I think you are in Uganda ? so is he taking the opportunity to show his friend some of the sites in Uganda ?
Think you are right to prioritise financial security but from your post I'm a little concerned that it's your top priority and you are letting it stop you enjoying your life.
I would be irritated that I'd been invited as an after thought.

BitterAndTwisted

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

A friend of his is coming to visit at the end of this month. Great news, we dont get visitors often. He is planning on a weekend away with her (Im not worried about fidelity) which will cost about £100 or so. I'm invited as an afterthought.

This has made me irrationally annoyed.

There's nothing irrational whatsoever about your feelings. The only reason he could afford this trip is because you are diverting some of your income to him in order to do so. That he's "not willing to feel bad about it" speaks volumes. I'd be cutting off that income-stream of his in a trice.

MissKeith

Even if you are technically being a "tightwad", I find it highly disrespectful that he has no regard for your thoughts or feelings when spending YOUR money. It's not his to spend and you being an after thought is just pure cheek! I would be angry too.

marisco_2

Nottoobadyet wrote: »

Its not that he's exploiting the situation generally - he has in some ways adjusted his lifestyle to reduced means.

Am I being too much of a tightwad, or is this something worth fighting over?

Okay so your partners business has hit hard times and so as to give him some breathing space you have taken on the bulk of your expenses. He continues to work hard and has adjusted his lifestyle to reduce costs in the meantime.

Now a friend, who he probably rarely sees, is visiting and he is planning a weekend break which will cost £100. That really isn't a huge amount in the great scheme of things, for a weekend break that seems a sensible and reserved amount of money to me. You have been invited along to enjoy it as well.

Life cannot be all about hard work and responsibiity. If it is you run the risk of burning yourself out. Every now and then you need to relax and have lovely things to look forward to. Get out there, have fun with friends and just build some memories. Does it seem worth fighting over, now you have read other peoples perspectives on the situation?

podperson

Maybe try and pinpoint what it is that annoying you about the situation. Is it the fact that you're having to support him and you think he should only be spending 'your' money on essentials? Or more the fact that he is making more effort for this friend that he perhaps does for you and the being invited along as an 'afterthought' has rubbed that in?

I'm assuming that this friend is coming from abroad to visit your country and so he's wanting to show her some other areas as part of her visit? £100 isn't a huge amount for a weekend and spending time with someone he perhaps hasn't seen for a while. You have been invited so maybe just take that at face value, get to know the friend a bit better and try and enjoy a bit of a break?

Unless you are really struggling financially then I think it's perhaps a little unreasonable for him to never be 'allowed' any money for anything fun or personal, but then I do think he could have discussed with you before seeming to agree on everything with the friend.