Time to come clean ?

Lucy1010

PRINCESSPOOR wrote: »

Hello Pickle and Lucy, I am also in the same situation as you, maybe we can support each other. My DH has no idea I'm in so much debt and would be devastated if he found out. I know some posters are saying you need to tell your partners but I fully understand why you might find that too difficult. I really don't want to tell my husband and I don't think I will until I have to.
Good luck Pickle, I hope you do manage to pluck up the courage and I hope he's understanding after the initial shock. I look forward to your updates

Hi Princesspoor, how much debt are you hiding from him?

I justify to myself that I don't need to tell my OH, we are not married nor living together .... yet. I'm hoping by the time that this happens I'll be rid of half of the debt BUT I think if I were in yours or Pickle's situation I would need to find the courage to be honest about it.

You are married so it makes things that more complicated but I do understand how you feel and I can't imagine telling my OH about my extravagent spending, he must think I'm really good at saving to be able to afford the things I buy... it scares me to confess to be honest in case it causes a break up.

You on other hand have exchanged vows and it's not so easy to say "oh I don't like this, I'm off". There are lots of people in this situation that can give you lots and lots of good advice on how to broach the subject but I absolutey know how you feel, you are not alone!

Lucy x

Debt_free_soon_2

I'm like garden lady in that DH has the debt & it came out, I knew he had debt but had no idea of the extent of it.

It's now out there & I am happy to support him (well maybe not happy but for richer for poorer & all that!)


The part I'm struggling with is that I am now sick with worry & he doesn't seem bothered - it's like he has passed the burden to me now - problem solved!


My advice would be to tell him but prove to him you are a changed person & focused on clearing the debt or he may feel real resentment & that's a dangerous emotion IMHO.


You sound like you've got the bit between your teeth, so good luck & eBay some of your wardrobe! ;-)

Dave33

Pickle49 wrote: »

Hi
Where to start. I've been in debt for about 10 years. Credit cards, loans, catalogue accounts, overdrafts and store cards...just about everything really. I don't know how I got in this state. It started off with a little bit if catalogue shopping and then a couple of store cards and the age old myth " ooh, this is a nice easy way to have things ". Of course, we all know its not true ! It snowballed into getting a loan to consolidate the debts, but then having a zero balance on the cards it was all too easy and too tempting to not start spending on them again. Ths was mostly all accumulated from a few years ago when credit was so easy to obtain..it almost seemed rude to say no thanks ...anyway to cut to the chase, they now total just over £20,000 !! My stomach literally turns over as I write that. ... I am working part time and more or less all of my wages goes on servicing these debts, I need to change this and sort it out, it's making me ill with worry...and here is the biggest worry. - my darling husband doesn't know about them. I am so ashamed, I'm desperate to tell him but I don't know how and I don't feel it's fair to burden him with the worry. I can barely cope with the debts and the repayments but keeping it from him is eating away at me. Once he knows and it's all out in the open I feel I can cope with the debts better and in a more constructive way. Has anybody else hidden their debts from their loved ones and eventually came clean...was it ok..was it better..was it worse. ?

I sympathise with you Pickle, see the 'In a mess / hiding it / dealing with hurting people'' thread elsewhere on here. I posted a similar answer on there earlier today, posts #5 and #8 are mine, I hope they help


My advice would be, yes, tell him. It will be difficult and it will be emotional for you both, but it will only get more difficult to tell him the longer it goes on and your debts will get worse, not better. I learned that the hard way.

Good luck

Sillygirl2013

Hello Pickle49.
Im in the same situation as you. I really want to tell my other half and I'm just waiting for the right time. I will definitely tell him this weekend. But you know what I've done. I wrote him a letter explaining my debts, why I did it and my proposal as to how to resolve the mess I'm in.
I'm not dumping the problem to him. I will pay for it all. Just really want to be honest with him. Believe me his anti debts. His very good at handling money. I'm not and I fully admit that. Perhaps you cam PM me if you want to talk during the week.

Good luck my dear. Remember you are not alone.

Keep us posted.

chevalier

not been in your position, but from other posters it is defi itely better if you have done the soa and have a plan efore you sit him down

freebyfifty

Didn't want to read and run.

You have had lots of great advice but I just wanted to say think long and hard about how and when you will tell him, but do tell him.

I didn't tell mine until someone turned up at the door wanting money. I was at work and he was in. I will never forget the feeling when he phoned me at work.
I left it too late and he couldn't forgive me when I confessed to all of it
It was a long time ago now and even then I didn't get my LBM

Please tell him before it gets too late and have a plan of action to set before him. Good luck

Pickle49

Thank you all so much. It's a great help to know that I'm not the only stupid person in the world, and the support and your opinions definately help.
I think I may write it all down and give him the letter as I know I'm going to get upset and start crying and then won't be able to get my words out properly. However I choose to tell him, it's got to be done. I think the worry is making me physically ill, I'm starting to wake up in the night with palpitations and I have a constant headache where my poor little brain is working overtime.
I am determined to sort it all out and although the size of the debt worries me, I know I can deal with it. The thing I can't deal with anymore is keeping it a secret from someone I'm supposed to be sharing all of my life with. Its eating into every area of my life and every decision I make. We've been together for 30 years, I would like another 30 ! !

Firewalker

I was on the receiving part of this as well and it is very, very hurtful. When DH told me I had the feeling that my world collapsed and made his life a living hell - not as a retaliation but because if I didn't let it out, I would have exploded from rage. This continued for good six months.

We have moved a long way from the situation we were in three years ago - both financially and as a couple. But...these kind of thing can be gorgiven, never forgotten! It breaks trust and this can be fatal for a relationship.

You will have to tell him, but please don't expect him to wipe your tears and deal with it; it may be worse than that.

Good luck.

Firewalker

addyboy1982

It's difficult but you will feel much better when you have told him.

I was always honest with my OH about my debt of £18k when we got together so it was horrific when I found out last year, having almost cleared mine off, that his was £11k which I knew nothing about!

It's definitely better out in the open though - good luck!

Pickle49

Meant to say...good luck sillygirl2013. Thinking of you. Please let me know how it goes when you tell him.
And Firewalker....I guess we are all different and deal with stress in a variety of ways, I know there will be consequences for actions, that's the way it is. I just hope that we can overcome them. Xx