need help advice please!

tigerfeet911

I have been living with my partner for 4 yrs. I did a hateful thing by getting us into debt without his knowledge it all came out 15 months ago he said we would get through it together everything seemed ok we had good times. I came into some pension money in November which I transferred all of to his account as my track record for managing not good. All debts were paid off and a balance left 3 weeks later he says that he cant get over deception and the money coming in has raised feelings he thought he had dealt with upshot he wants to end relationship and me and my daughter to move out but not before Xmas. Xmas he gave me a card to the one I love and had wrote to my darling inside. He continued to kiss and cuddle me and text throughout times not with me. He says he wants me to leave I have made enquiries about rental properties but need deposit and money to get what I need to live for me and my daughter. I have asked him to transfer the balance that was left after debt I accrued had been paid he said he is not giving me all that after what he has done over last 4yrs. I told him he is tying my hands over move as can't go with no money he says we will speak tonight and kissed me and said have a good day. I don't know what to do help!

busiscoming2

Sounds to me he is either still in love with you but finding the deception hard to deal with coupled with the fact he is probably worried it will happen again. Otherwise he is being manipulative and trying to get his own back on you.

Either way he is angry IMO.

Sambucus_Nigra

Is it his house and is it his daughter?

What's the difference in the amount you transferred and the amount you owed in the first place?

FBaby

He is giving you totally conflicting messages. You need to have a serious talk. It doesn't make sense he would want you to go over something he dealt with for 15 months now and when he is still acting like he loves you. Either there is something else going on he hasn't said yet, or he is very very confused in which case I wouldn't rush to do anything.

Wait until tonight and make sure you have a constructive discussion so you know exactly where you stand. It is not fair to leave you all confused about his feelings and intentions.

tigerfeet911

My daughter is 18 and at uni she is not my partners. He has 2 daughters 9,11 who I have played a massive part in I do most of the childcare when they are here 3 days per week I do the school runs dance, brownie runs and its me that his ex contacts to organise, myself and my daughter love these 2 girls. The house is my partners I moved in with him. The amount left after debts paid is £3900. I know what I did and would do anything to make it right I love him completely I was even up this am ironing his shirt and making him breakfast if I thought it would work I would sit it out but physically and emotionally I don't know how long I can go on

System

Has he thought about the inpact of you not being around to provide 'childcare' for his girls?

tigerfeet911

I asked him last night when we were going to tell girls as I felt it wasn`t fair for them to come one day and my daughter and I not to be there he just said "I don`t know" is it selfish of me to want them to know that we don`t want to leave them, my daughter knows she is devastated but being incredibly mature. I said we could get somewhere this week if I had money he says you dont need to go this week also Leah wants to be here to spend the weekend with the girls she does put a lot of time into them I am swinging between devastation and anger but feel i have no right to the anger as I did what I did.

Fosterdog

tigerfeet just wondering if you have been making plans for the leftover money?

If you've only just managed to clear debts and then start talking about spending it all again maybe it's scared him a bit, maybe he would like to try to save it instead to helps towards a future for both of you.

I'm only asking because my OH is like that, I helped him to get out of debt and we are not well off by any means but we have enough to live each month. We have planned a holiday for 2014 to USA (that's how long it will take us to be able to afford it) I mentioned maybe going for a weekend away in the UK in 2013 and he blew it all out of proportion and started planning a two week holiday to spain.
It went from a £200ish break to a £800-£1000 holiday within a few days and he just got carried away.

It's not easy being the one who's careful with money when you have a partner who would just keep spending and getting further into debt. Maybe your OH was just frustrated and said some things he didn't mean.

I'm not excusing his behaviour though, keeping you in limbo all over xmas is a horrible thing to do whatever reason he has for it.

tigerfeet911

we never made any plans for balance of money I said I would leave him in complete control as I knew that was the way to try and repair the damage I had done, my feeling is that the money would just be there as a cushion for us not for spending but bit security that because of me we havent had for 15 months

aliama

Something about this makes me feel very uncomfortable. It's like he's holding onto that money in order to exert a degree of control over you or in order to punish you.

Look, you did something wrong, but you've done what you can to rectify the situation. The debt is paid off now. Learn from your mistake and move on.

You need to get over feeling guilty about this. Yes, you shouldn't have done that to your partner, but you agreed to get through it together, and you've FIXED it, and have tried to prevent it from happening again (by allowing him control). What you did doesn't give him the right to emotionally blackmail you.

I agree that you need to sit down and have a serious talk with him, but please don't allow your guilt over the debt to cloud the issue here.

Does he feel he has a right to the money because he has paid interest on your debts? Do you honestly think he does want you to move out?

Is there family you could visit for a week or so (to call his bluff and make him realise what's he's risking)? My personal instinct in this situation would be to withdraw a little, not let him kiss and cuddle me, not do any of his washing and ironing, and respond to as few as his texts as possible. If the relationship is over, it's over.

paddy's_mum

It may not be the fact of the debts themselves that is at the root of the problems now but all the deceit and dishonesty that the getting into debt must have entailed in the first place. You may not have told a barefaced lie but you were 'lying' by concealing what was going on. You did damage by going behind his back.

It might well be his loss of trust in you that is fuelling the present unhappy situation rather than any loss of love.

You cannot sort anything out until the two of you sit down and actually communicate but in your shoes, I'd be sitting tight for a while in the hope that the more time passes, the more chance there is that his wobble might fade away.

I can tell you that I once had the same thing done to me and although I have forgiven, I have not forgotten and now silently question every last little thing that person says to me. Loss of faith/trust can so often be the slowly seeping poison that destroys a relationship.

For all your sakes, I hope that a bit of honest, straight speaking and forgiveness can save the day. Good luck.