Some help/advice needed

sadkipper

I would really appreciate some help/advice. I am 52 and have been married for 14 years and in the relationship for a total of 16 years. Last June my husband very very unexpectedly walked out. It was a huge shock and I was left reeling, for the first few months all I could do was focus on work to make sure I had some stability.

He stopped contributing to the house/mortgage from the beginning of August and has not given any other money since then. We have no children together but he does have a son aged 20 who has lived between us and his mother for the last 15 years.

When we met I had my own flat with a smallish mortgage as my first husband had died and the main part of the mortgage was paid off. He had just left his first wife and had absolutely nothing (just a few carrier bags of clothes etc.). We bought a house together using my £40k from my flat - the house was £120k so I put in around a third (some was used for moving costs etc.). We then had an extension built which increased our mortgage. We have had an offset mortgage for the whole period and have not been great at paying it off although we both earn good money.

So now he is saying that he has known all along the marriage was "wrong" and that he has been unhappy since day 1. Despite this he has allowed me to care for his son and spend large amounts of money on them both. As an example last year we spent £15k on his son training abroad and then in April this year another £15k on new cars. I am really angry as he said in front of my mum that "he was always going to leave me" so I feel that he has been spending money with little or no regard for the fact that I didn't know he was planning to leave. I certainly would not have spent the money on my stepson or cars if I had known what he was planning.

Just after he left he sent me a facebook message saying he would settle for £50k although he felt he should have more but now he has withdrawn that and is saying he wants a fair settlement. He believes the house is worth around 100k more than I think it is (he used an internet valuation) and thinks we have around £310k equity to "share".

So I have no idea how this works. Main points I think are:

1. I put in £40k - a third of the value of the house (despite advice from family I did not ring fence this money in any way)
2. We have been putting in excess into his pension meaning his pension pot is 3 times the size of mine.
3. We have an offset mortgage that I have been paying for the last 5 months - have paid around 10k off in that time and we currently owe 90k.
4. I am five years older than him, disabled and have some health issues that may mean I cannot work until normal retirement age
5. His mum has just died meaning he will inherit £100-£200k (my guess is that this money is ring fenced).
6. Since he has left I have spent money on the house that will have added substantially more to the value (I only did this as he had said he wanted a max of £50k)
7. He is pushing for a rapid settlement - wants to do everything via email or in his words "I can expect to hear from his solicitor".


I really want to keep my house as I love it so much but i am scared that I will end up with a mortgage I can't afford to pay off before I retire. I am lucky in that I earn a good salary but have massive anxiety about being made redundant etc.

So I think I need a solicitor but have no idea how to start to find one. Any other advice on what I should do next?

Thanks for reading - I know this was very long.

paddy's_mum

You are being pushed, shoved, bamboozled, threatened and rushed.

There is only one reason for that - your husband is certain that you can be manipulated into doing what he wants, and if that is cutting your own throat at the same time, so what and who cares?

Please, please don't agree to ANYTHING without the advice of a solicitor who specialises in divorce and in my opinion, finding solid, feisty, you-can't-push-me-around-buster, legal advice is your single greatest priority.

I cannot urge you strongly enough to protect yourself by seeking out a darned good and experienced matrimonial solicitor.

I heard a little quip some years ago. It read "when skating over thin ice, our safety lies in our speed". I find that worth thinking about in relation to this twister of a man.

You might also want to consider instigating a divorce yourself since that effectively puts you - not your husband - in the driving seat.

Don't let him browbeat you into being a doormat. You don't deserve to be treated so poorly and he doesn't deserve any courtesy whatsoever from you.

Good luck and I'm sorry for your heartache.

marisco_2

sadkipper wrote: »

He is pushing for a rapid settlement - wants to do everything via email or in his words "I can expect to hear from his solicitor".

He can push and push all he wants cant he, doesn't mean he will get what he wants. He sounds like a domineering bully use to getting his own way. I think the reason he is trying to demand a rapid settlement, is he is aware if you hired a solicitor they would fight for you to be left in a much better financial position than he would like. Next time he contacts you and starts throwing his weight around tell him he can expect to hear from your solicitor.

Despite going through an awful time and trying to cope with so much, your post was really thorough and articulate OP. Make sure you raise all these points with a solicitor and take their advice. They are the only ones who can really guide you through this situation.

After being with someone for so long and a part of their family and life it can be very difficult to think as a single person again instead of part of a couple. His wants and needs are not your priority any more. Concentrate on what you need and want to carve out a secure future for yourself. Dont be pushed around or rushed.

serena

Do you have any friends who have divorced? Personal recommendation is the best way to find a good solicitor. Also, google local solicitors, and see if any offer a fixed fee initial interview, as some do. This would give you a chance to talk it through with someone objectively.

sassyblue

I echo the others advice OP, find a good solicitor, by word of mouth? Make sure he or she is tough enough to put your ex in his place.

Are the cars in your name on finance? I'd get the cars back today if they were.

Good luck and tell your ex you'll only be communicating through solicitors now, oh - and be sure to tell him to pass on the details of his inheritance as your solicitor thinks you've got a claim on that too.

sadkipper

Thank you for all the replies, my mum has been calling him a bully for the last few months but I have been struggling to understand this new person and why he seems so angry with me. As soon as he left me his mother and sister also stopped speaking to me and sadly my mother in law died yesterday and I have not been able to see her. Its really sad to be excluded from a whole family and not to have a single idea why. I expect I won't be invited to the funeral but at least thats one decision I won't have to make. I didn't see my step son for almost 5 months but thankfully we are in touch now and he is being really supportive.

I have had some challenges in life, I lost my leg after a car accident at 29 and was widowed at 33 When I met my husband I really felt safe and loved and to now find out it was all a mistake is devastating. One of the most horrible things that has ever been said to me is his comment that he would go to relate but that "I had to know there was NOTHING in our marriage worth saving". The strange thing is that right up until the second he told me I actually felt loved.

In addition to all this I am also dealing with my my step father being very very unwell after a stroke and my dad being diagnosed with terminal cancer so the next few months will be very difficult.

Anyway after writing my initial post I finally braved finding a solicitor and have an appointment for an initial free consultation next week, I feel a bit better having taken this step.

Every time I feel sad I have to remind myself that this is a man who chose to get married on my birthday even though apparently he knew it was a big mistake.

Anyway thank you again for your support, I cannot tell you how much better it made me feel.

Upsidedown_Bear

You might find this helpful.

http://www.wikivorce.com/divorce/

swingaloo

Sounds to me like someone with a very guilty conscience, trying to be as nasty and vindictive as he can to convince HIMSELF that what he is doing is justified.

belfastgirl23

Firstly don't mistrust yourself. He is rewriting history. Has he met someone else? It sounds like he is justifying leaving a relationship that was basically happy by claiming to himself that it wasn't happy. This often happens when someone new comes along. It's nothing to do with the relationship you had. It's just that he's choosing to lie about it, probably to himself as well as you.

On the money issue, as the others say get a good solicitor. The thing that immediately occurs to me is that his pension pot should also be counted as an asset of the marriage so will go into the joint pool to be divided. This should give you some strength in terms of negotiating what you want out of it. And it is a negotiation.

Finally the urgency is presumably to do with him inheriting from his mum. This money is (arguably) part of the marriage pot. If he can get the financial settlement made before he inherits then I would guess this would be to his advantage. I would also guess it might be in your interests to stall.

I'm no expert though and I would say that you really need an expert. Gather as much info as you can as well, I'm not sure who 'inherited' the paperwork when you split (hopefully you if you stayed in the house) but money has a habit of going missing at times like this - try to be ahead of it!

sadkipper

Yes there is sort of someone else. It took a while for him to admit it but he decided he had fallen in love with a mutual friend and wanted to have a relationship with her. She turned him down flat! However a couple of months ago he started a relationship with someone else and I believe that's ongoing.

sadkipper

Just an update, I saw a solicitor and it was not great news, essentially the money I put in is now counted as joint assets and I have the choice of agreeing a split with him or getting solicitors involved. It looks like I will need to use a solicitor as I am sure he won't be taking my age and health into account in any settlement. I am now worried about affording that as well as everything else! I know its not about fairness but I am really upset that he was making decisions about money knowing he would leave me. It also feels like he is still in control - he has made every choice since he left and now it appears its up to him if he chooses to be honourable and not take advantage of the money I put into the house.

Right now I am struggling with my health so worrying about being able to work, no work means no house. I cannot believe that only 7 months ago I would have said I was really happy and secure.

I just feel so helpless in all this.