Advice from those with step-families that get along?

74jax

I am divorced from my DD's Dad and although we don't particularly like each other (:rotfl:) we have remained extremely civil for her sake.

We live a 1.5hr train journey from each other and she visits him and his family every other weekend and most holidays (and other days too if she chooses).

What I am interested in is those of you in a similar situation to myself, once your child has grown up and is over 18, how have things worked out with the whole seeing the other parent situation?

DD is currently approaching 15, getting a Saturday job is out at the moment as it would stop her seeing her Dad, his wife and her brother and sister so she is looking for an evening job maybe for an hour or so after school.

She is in the school year where she has to stay on until she is 18. I always hoped she would go away to uni, however she attitude has somewhat changed and that's looking unlikely....... and I've started to think about that might happen when she turns 18.

She has the most amazing relationship with her dad and step mum and her brother and sister over there look forward to seeing her so much. Have others found that this continues? is there anything you would have done now (with a few years to go) to help the relationship continue?

I'm expecting her to learn to drive, so she won't be tied to train times etc, however I wondered if others had found that as time goes by does work and the 'being a teenager with freedom' affect anything?

Jinx

My daughter will be 21 in a few weeks and so we have been in your situation. When she left school the contact continued sporadically as she was busy with friends etc then she left the country for a year so kept in touch by phone etc. Returned to uni in this country and for the last 2 years she complained her dad didnt visit enough. Now back home she sees him every couple of weeks and they have a much more 'adult' relationship. She has a key and comes and goes as she wants as they work different shifts. She has just done xmas eve and morning with her dad and then her half brother so it does all still work out overall... it is just flexible!

FatVonD

It has changed enormously for us and I see it both from my son's attitude to going to his dad's and also DH's kids coming here less.

I truly believe that the absent parent needs to rethink about when they see their kids once they reach their teenage years and they have an active social life/boyfriends/girlfriends they'd rather spend their weekends with. Insisting your teenage offspring miss out on stuff with their mates to be bored with their absent parent is, in my opinion, only going to make them want to go even less.

I truly believe the way forward in the teenage years is for the absent parent to meet up with them midweek to see a movie/go for a pint/go for a pizza, I've not yet managed to convince DH and my DS's dad of that though.

System

It changed significantly for me. Mainly because once i got to uni i'd had counselling and it made me see that my bio dad was a major problem in my life, but being away at uni gave the perfect opputunity to cut off contact. It was leading up to that from age 16 but being "an adult" i finally elt able to do it.

Bluemeanie_2

FatVonD wrote: »

It has changed enormously for us and I see it both from my son's attitude to going to his dad's and also DH's kids coming here less.

I truly believe that the absent parent needs to rethink about when they see their kids once they reach their teenage years and they have an active social life/boyfriends/girlfriends they'd rather spend their weekends with. Insisting your teenage offspring miss out on stuff with their mates to be bored with their absent parent is, in my opinion, only going to make them want to go even less.

I truly believe the way forward in the teenage years is for the absent parent to meet up with them midweek to see a movie/go for a pint/go for a pizza, I've not yet managed to convince DH and my DS's dad of that though.

Sorry to sound stuffy, but I (and probably many others?) take exception to the term "absent parent" to describe someone in this situation. It is very often not through choice.

tanith

I have grandchildren who are and have been through the same thing, and it certainly changed for them, during teenage years they saw less of the absent parent (no one said they were absent through choice by the way) for the various reasons the OP has listed. Now they are older (later teens 20's) they make their own arrangements to see both parents and siblings.. there have been times when either parent has felt that contact wasn't enough but I'm afraid thats teens for you and happens in families where both parents are together. Its just life gets in the way sometimes.

74jax

FatVonD wrote: »

I truly believe that the absent parent needs to rethink about when they see their kids once they reach their teenage years and they have an active social life/boyfriends/girlfriends they'd rather spend their weekends with. Insisting your teenage offspring miss out on stuff with their mates to be bored with their absent parent is, in my opinion, only going to make them want to go even less.
That's a really good point, at the moment it doesn't cause too much of a problem, as we think DD is old enough to decide where she stays at a weekend/school hols etc so if she has a birthday party (or similar) she will stay with me. The plus side is she has a whole heap of friends at her dads too, so genuinely looks forward to going and visiting. her brother and sister are 4/5 and idolise her, so she misses them if she doesn't see them for a few weeks too.
I truly believe the way forward in the teenage years is for the absent parent to meet up with them midweek to see a movie/go for a pint/go for a pizza, I've not yet managed to convince DH and my DS's dad of that though.
With the distance i'm not sure that's possible but I can totally see where you're coming from. A more 'grown up' kind of visit?

Bluemeanie wrote: »

Sorry to sound stuffy, but I (and probably many others?) take exception to the term "absent parent" to describe someone in this situation. It is very often not through choice.

i wouldn't want you to feel anything was meant by this term, I am sure the poster didn't mean that. Absent parent is (how I understood it) to describe the parent who is absent (ie non resident parent)? I don't think it is meant to mean whether by choice or not.

tanith wrote: »

I have grandchildren who are and have been through the same thing, and it certainly changed for them, during teenage years they saw less of the absent parent (no one said they were absent through choice by the way) for the various reasons the OP has listed. Now they are older (later teens 20's) they make their own arrangements to see both parents and siblings.. there have been times when either parent has felt that contact wasn't enough but I'm afraid thats teens for you and happens in families where both parents are together. Its just life gets in the way sometimes.

Thanks Tanith, I hadn't really thought of the scenario where I don't see her enough - was too busy trying to make sure she would still go and visit her Dad :rotfl:. I guess you are right, it's all part of growing up, hopefully we've raised her well enough that she is happy to come and go in both our lives frequently.

Hopelass

Hi OP

My mum and dad divorced when I was very young and dad remarried when I was 9, little half bro came along when I was 14 and I saw my dad religiously every Saturday from before I can remember.

Fast forward a few years, my dad moved 20 miles away due to step mum's job and I saw them less, this coincided with me getting into my teens and going out with friends etc but still saw them every few weeks esp when I could drive myself there.

Fast forward again, I'm now 31 and "little" bro is now 17 :eek: and I honestly only see them about 4 times a year. We live further apart now (40 miles) because I myself have moved due to work but there is no detriment to the relationships, I keep in touch with them via phone and email and when we do meet up with one or other's houses it's great!

As you have said in your last post it is part of growing up - I am very very close to my mum but again now live around 20 miles from her so only get to see her every 3-4 weeks but I'm on the phone to her nearly every day!

I would not worry, the relationship your daughter has with her dad will change but certainly shouldn't suffer from her growing up and having other interests and maybe seeing him less.

I applaud and admire you in keeping thing amicable, that was the very best thing my parents did for me and everything has worked out well

Tiglath

When the kids were small, DH would drive to see them twice a week (70 mile round trip), and they came to us every other weekend and chunks of the holidays. When they hit their teens and developed social lives, it became once a week. Now they're a postgrad student and the other working in theatre, he still sees the working one on a Friday as long as she's not working. His ex cooks him dinner and he plays with her other kids and chats to her husband, and his kids come to us for a few days when they're able. They were brilliant in September when I was recovering from surgery and he had to go back to work; I was very grateful to have them here. He still speaks to his daughter every day (as long as she answers her phone!) and tends to IM his son on Facebook.

74jax

Hopelass wrote: »

Hi OP


Fast forward again, I'm now 31 and "little" bro is now 17 :eek: and I honestly only see them about 4 times a year. We live further apart now (40 miles) because I myself have moved due to work but there is no detriment to the relationships, I keep in touch with them via phone and email and when we do meet up with one or other's houses it's great!
That's really lovely to know, and you're right we do live in the age of email and facetime :rotfl:

I would not worry, the relationship your daughter has with her dad will change but certainly shouldn't suffer from her growing up and having other interests and maybe seeing him less.

I applaud and admire you in keeping thing amicable, that was the very best thing my parents did for me and everything has worked out well

We went through a time when we first split of DD crying her eyes out going to see her dad. I would drop her off and cry all the way back feeling the worst mum in the world. She then got to know his then girlfriend, didn't like her and it was worse..... then they got married, and things just changed (looking back pretty much over night) and she loved going, then of course her brother and sister came along.

Having had the situation where she wouldn't go, and then the situation where you can't stop her from going, I know which one I prefer :rotfl:

maybe I'm just worrying over nothing and it's another one of those accepting your child is growing up situations that you want to control.... but can't.

74jax

Tiglath wrote: »

When the kids were small, DH would drive to see them twice a week (70 mile round trip), and they came to us every other weekend and chunks of the holidays. When they hit their teens and developed social lives, it became once a week. Now they're a postgrad student and the other working in theatre, he still sees the working one on a Friday as long as she's not working. His ex cooks him dinner and he plays with her other kids and chats to her husband, and his kids come to us for a few days when they're able. They were brilliant in September when I was recovering from surgery and he had to go back to work; I was very grateful to have them here. He still speaks to his daughter every day (as long as she answers her phone!) and tends to IM his son on Facebook.

Very similar to us, ours is a 150(ish) mile round trip so quite long. When her Dad comes over with DD and his 2 kids, they'll come in as no doubt need the loo :rotfl: and we all speak. My DD step-mum is amazing with her. They are very close and I am so happy it worked out this way.

I think I was just worrying about her growing up and stopping a wonderful relationship that they have built.