Moan

rkh001

Haven't been here for ages...

Story as it is (sorry a bit long)... We are emigrating to Oz at the end of May. House is sold subject to contract which will hopefully be exchanged soon. We both have debts which we will clear out as much as poss before we go and the rest will be done from there.
We are renting my brother's house in Sydney (he is going to Canada) for a year and we will have use of his car etc.
When hubby moved in with me he gave his old leather settees and dining table & chairs to my other brother who had just come to UK with his family (4 children and wife). Subsequenlty when my brother could afford to, he sold that stuff and bought some of his own taste.
Whilst hubby was living with me I just asked him to pay for the food and some odds and sods. I paid all the bills - mortgage on a small flat, etc. When the Oz visa was granted we sold the flat, I gave him 2/3rds of the equity (some 40k +) to pay off his debts and the remianing money paid my debts off and we lived in Oz with the rest of my 1/3rd. We came back with nothing.
Everytime we have an argument, he tells me that my brother is an a@@@@@e (bearing in mind that my brother has never said a harsh word to him!) and that he has no repsect for him, considering what he did for him i.e. gave him sold old furniture! And of course why can't my brother in Sydney let us live in his house for free? I reminded him that he has a mortgage to pay and would he himself let his own sons live in our house for free?? Bearing in mind that my brother's house is very nice 3-bed house, in a nice suburb, has a swimming pool and we will have use of the car for free (apart from petrol)!
My mum is in a nusing home and dad lives on his own (he is 80) and I do what I can for him but hubby also picks them to beat me with - like, they treated you badly when you were young and so why do you do this, that and the other for them. He told me that I should go and live with my dad and he'll see how long I last!
I am also trying to see all my friends (I have been in the country for 25 yrs and some of my friends are that 'old') before we go and he begrudges me that! His own father lives in Cornwall and he has seen him once in the last 4.5 yrs and all I asked him was when he is likely to go and see him before we go. That is all it took to get him off on one and then all my family, friends and cousins were blamed for making his life a misery. They have never said a word to him or to me about him, they welcome him into their homes and feed him and invite him to stay overnight if we they happen to live a long way off! I am not saying my family is perfect but his sister (lives in Devon) has never invited us to stay overnight or even visit them, his brother (in Bristol) had us over one weekend for dinner and breakfast next morning in the last 10 yrs! We stayed with my brother in Oz for 3 months last time we went to live there and all we paid for was food shopping!! My brother in London doesn't have 2 pennies to rub together but everytime my hubby goes there, they feed him, are polite to him, invite him all the time etc. Hubby says that is because he wants something from us!!
Basically my family are shites and his are not - the fact that we never see his is neither here or there!
I feel like packing my bags and going. How long can I put up with this slating of my family - they may not be perfect but they are the only ones I've got! He has 3 children, he didn't want me to have any because his family was ocmplete!!!
Thanks for eading. I could go on forever - this is jsut the tip of the iceberg!

carly

Is it the stress of emigrating that's getting to him, or is he like this all the while?

If the latter, are you sure you want to be moving to the other side of the worls with him? He sounds like hard work to be with, in my opinion.

hobo28

I'd agree with Carly and ask if you are 100% sure you want to go?

It sounds to me like he is not close to family and has very few friends. He's trying to control you and ensure you don't have them either. Family is obviously more important to you so again I'd question are you 100% sure!?!?! Its such a big step. I moved 100 miles away a year ago and I still miss my old family/friends.

I'm also curious as to who suggested emigrating. Was it his idea or yours? What was the reasoning behind it?

Dan_Thunder

The man has so little hold or contact with his own family that he's trying to undermine - what appears to be - your good relationship with yours.

If I were you I'd sit him down and tell him that if he wants to criticise his own family however much he wants then that's his prerogative. However, as your family has done nothing but be open, warm & generous to him, you won't stand by and let him insult them with no actual proof.

Perhaps you should tell him that you're seriously reconsidering emigrating because of his attitude?

snowmaid

Sounds like a simple case of low self esteem and jealousy to me. He obviously feels threatened by your family's closeness and achievements. I can't stand people like this! I have a similar person in my family who is always bitter about everyone 'looking down on them', or only caring about themselves, etc etc.

Your husband could also be resenting the fact that he KNOWS you have contributed the most, i.e. debts etc and also finds this a threat to his ego, although he won't do anything to improve the situation or repay!! :rolleyes: He sounds selfish, self centered and has a delusional sense of self importance! All due respect to you!

Tell him to get a life, stop wasting time winging and start being grateful for what he has and those around him helping him! arrrggghhhh!!:mad: Otherwise pick up your stuff and hit the road. You have no kids with him, seems like it is you who is trying to make a success, with him winging at everything you try and do, without contributing anything positive himself! And now you are talking of emigrating with him! Further isolating yourself from all you know! :eek:

Leave him stranded on some island and run! Sorry if I sound harsh, but this type of person really angers me.

Psykicpup

I dont think I would take him with me to be honest -I'd have to love him an awful lot to put up with that kind of treatment & to do so in Oz in your bro's home.......

pinkshoes

I agree with the other posters that you should seriously reconsider emigrating with this guy! Who had the idea to emigrate? Do you both have plans when you get out there? He sounds like he's getting what he wants out of the marriage (money, and no more kids!), and you're getting a pretty raw deal.

Maybe he's envious of your good relationship with your family, but that's no excuse for behaving how he is. It's very kind of your brother to rent his house to you in Oz, because he could probably get alot more renting it privately!!

I think your husband has a chip on his shoulder about something, and unless he tells you exactly what's bothering him, you should emigrate wtihout him!

lush_walrus

I think the question in my mind is the same as some of the others....Is it just about the pressure of moving bringing out a bit of petty squables? (from his side I mean).

Am I understanding the situation right, you are from Oz originally and effectively going back, where as your husband is from the UK?

I just wondered if I am right in what I think above, whether he is actually fearing leaving his life behind? And seeing things as him giving his life up to join yours, albeit a distant past of yours if you have been in the UK for 25 years. But, still if you are from there and he isn't then it is bound to be that touch more scary for him.

Might be off track, but I wondered if that was why squables about family this and family that was actually coming up...We all sometimes fight about things that are not actually the problem.

rkh001

Thank you everyone.

The thing is that it was my idea in 2002 when we got the visa but he was reluctant. He did everything in his power to jeapordise the situation by blaming my brother and his family and blaming me. Then he told all his mates and family that the reason things didn't work out for us was because of my brother and sister in law. Granted that my SIL is racist (I am Indian and hubby is English and SIL is Indian too). He took no responsibility for any of it! In fact he swore that he would never go back but he and I decided to go back as our visa runs out in Oct this year! It's an opportunity of a lifetime.

Anyway,the argument last night came about because I asked him when he is likely to see his father before we go as I am trying to arrange for him to see one of HIS oldest mates. All I needed was a date! I got a whole barrage of abuse about my family - they are not perfect but I am not their keeper! And if I have told hubby about my family, I didn't tell him that so that he could use it to beat me with! I told him because I love him and wanted him to know about my family and my past. So, they did what they did to me but now he is aggravating that whole sitaution by doing the same to me and he can't see that! And then he has the nerve to call me a control freak!!!

Well, thanks to you all for reading. I have decided that from now on I won't be telling him anything about my family and also, as he has told me twice over the last 5 years that he is going to leave me if I don't agree to whatever he wants and last night told me that he will ring my brother to come and get me (why ring them? just ask me to leave!!), then he has actually used up his quota (should there be one?) of telling me that he doesn't want me anymore!! Once more and that will be the last time! Be it here or in Oz. I can survive on my own and will if I have to. I don't need to be abused and projected upon all the time. I might not have had the perfect parents or the perfect family but neither were/are his! No-one has a right to keep using the family stick to beat someone with and then call them control-freaks!

Decision made and I will stick to it! No more!

Savvy_Sue

I'm not sure a man would get a 3rd chance to say he didn't want me ...

Go on your own, leave him behind, you don't NEED him! And let him sort the mess with the debts out.

Dan_Thunder

No offence like but I think you're crazy giving him another chance! If I were you I'd wait 'til he goes out somewhere then toss his stuff into the street and get the locks changed, if you've paid for most of the stuff then why should you be the one leaving!?