How to stay cool when dealing with passive aggressive person?

ostrichnomore_2

Help! I need some good tips and tactics for keeping my cool when dealing with a passive aggressive person who is winding me up something chronic at the moment - and then when I blow my top, as I have a couple of times, they seem to think they've got the high ground (which I suppose they have) and I'm the unreasonable one and they are the reasonable one (which I don't agree with).

when someone can push your buttons to perfection, how do you resist? when someone does something with the intention of making you angry, how do you stop getting angry without just accepting what they are doing?

Even when I know he's doing it, even when I keep thinking 'keep calm, don't lose your temper, nooooooo don't yell and go nuts, oops too late) I can stop myself responding to it with anger.

I've read all the stuff on the internet about count to 10 etc, but it doesn't work. I end up just boiling over with anger.

and something big is about to happen - a big 'discussion' next week - that I'm not supposed to know is coming, but I do. So I'm hoping forewarned can be forearmed this time round. I need to keep in control of myself and this situation and not be manipulated into saying something I'll regret.

The strange thing is I'm good at being the whole 'firm but politely assertive' thing in general, just this one person (ex of course) and situation is such a trigger for me and he knows how to take advantage of that.

littleredhen

can you explain a bit more about what the big thing is - i find the best plan is to listen - say nothing and tell ex you will get back to them - that way you won't say anything you will regret but perhaps if you can explain a bit more I might be able to offer some better advice!

sharnad

Bite yiur tongue go off somewhere and kick the wall. There are people who deli reflag file you over and over again to get a response waiting and then say ooh no need to get annoyed with a grin. I find it. Best to walk away quickly

Sambucus_Nigra

What do they say and why are they saying it?

Errata

The best response to aggression, passive or otherwise, is to walk away.
Don't give them the response they want.

mrcow

I agree - listen to what they say and then just smile and say, "Okay, I'll let you know". And then walk off and let them wonder.

If someone is having a snipe in a p.a. way, I always come back with, "That sounded a bit rude, did you mean it to come across like that?"

Bringing the behaviour of the passive aggressive to the forefront is key. Don't let them see you hainvg your buttons pushed, regain power by calling the shots yourself.

Saying, "I'll get back to you on that", or "Thanks for letting me know your opinion" is good - you're not committing to anything and you are showing no emotion.

mrcow

Edit: I think to fight back, you need to be a little passive aggressive yourself!

splishsplash

The aim of a passive aggressive is to wreck your head and make you feel crazy. That's the payoff - your ex wants to feel superior at your expense. He wants you to see how he can twist you round his little finger and make smoke come out of your ears while he remains cool and calulating and in control. A passive aggressive is angry but uses the anger to get at you instead of expressing it 'honestly' like you do when you lose your cool.

He gets away with this because you let him. You know your triggers, so does he. He pushes your buttons and you react. You feel you have to make the point and he keeps twisting things and frustrating you at every turn.

Simple answer, don't let him. Don't get so invested that you have to count to 10. The way you've been communicating with him to date hasn't worked for you, so try something completely different.

Keep a couple of key phrases in mind for when you feel your blood pressure rising... 'I don't understand, what do you mean?' is always a good one. 'Sorry, I really don't get what you're trying to say?', 'What is it you are telling me, exactly?'.

Don't let him away with half truths, implications, sighs, sulleness, shrugs etc - pin him down and make him come out and say what he means. Reflect everything back at him - 'So, are you saying <this>?', 'do I understand this correctly - you're saying <this>?'.

If you feel you are losing control, disengage from the conversation. Look at the ceiling, examine your nails, think about sunbathing on hot sand with warm waves lapping at your toes. Tune out everything for a couple of minutes. Then ask him to repeat what he just said. That deflates him while giving you a chance to keep yourself in check. Imagine he is a stranger on the street asking you for directions. Treat him with the same impersonal politeness. The minute you hear the voice in your head wailing 'But....!', you're losing the battle. Step away and take a minute.

Think clearly about what you want the outcome of this upcoming discussion to be. You will not solve all your problems at this discussion. He has an agenda, clearly, so you need to think what the best outcome for you could be, or at least how to end it leaving the door open for further discussion.

marisco_2

May I ask why you still have contact with your ex? Are there children involved or is this ongoing communication to do with the sale of property etc?

If it is the latter then could any communication be handled via solicitors? Not that MSE I know but sometimes you just have to do whatever it takes to make a situation easier.

If there are children involved, then could a third party help in any way, by being present at collection and drop off times? If this person continues to be so donwright rude and out of order, then tell them politely but assertively that until they can treat you properly, any communication will be via email only. Also state that you will only read it all if the content is kept civil.

An ex is just that and you dont have to tolerate any of their nonsense. The sooner they are made to realise that and respect you the better.

ostrichnomore_2

Don't let him away with half truths, implications, sighs, sulleness, shrugs etc - pin him down and make him come out and say what he means. Reflect everything back at him - 'So, are you saying <this>?', 'do I understand this correctly - you're saying <this>?'.
I've tried this so many times. He is like the immovable object. He's quite happy to just sit there staring at me with a totally blank face for 30 minutes refusing to say one word! This isn't new, he's always been like it.

Thanks all for the advice, I don't think I'll go into detail, I already know he's acting like a k nob, I just need to keep my temper under control for this next 'discussion'. Lots of good ideas here. I'll prepare a few statements I can make to cover most eventualities and stick to those (that's basically what he does, he says his bit, and then refuses any further discussion, answer any questions, elaborate etc, or to take what you say into consideration. I have to say it works well from his point of view, I guess I need to learn how to be more 'awkward' like that myself and play his own game). I hate playing games though and I'm rubbish at it - everything I think gets written all over my face. I need to practise a blank look of my own.
At least I know it's coming so I can be prepared.

Blackpool_Saver

that can send you totally loopy, I know very well. I will NEVER let anyone get away with it again