Marriage is over - No idea what to do next! Updated

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

You are absolutely right in ending this marriage to a man who is unwilling to support you and doesn't care about your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Any man who objects to his wife having surgery that will massively boost her confidence is a man who wants to keep his wife down:(

It is really horrible and vile of him to tell you that if you have surgery to improve your appearance and confidence that he will leave you. Think about this.

Of course he won't leave the family home. He probably thinks that you'll immediately back down rather than lose him. Give this deluded rectum entrance exactly what he deserves and is asking for.

I bet your confidence slowly starts to return once he's out of your life, never mind the surgery!

lolly_896

thinking about it, he doesn't out rightly say No to anything but say i arrange a hair cut. There's nearly always a shift change so i cannot make it. To the extent that i have had 1 hair cut since June 2011!

Tonight i thought i need to cry to somebody, but i realised i don't have anybody that close anymore. I have friends, but nobody that i'm close to any longer.

In September i wanted to start college, he knew i had interview on x day - again shifts changed in work and i couldn't make it.

philb120

Sounds like he has been controlling you. You need to get you back x x x x x

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

lolly_896 wrote: »

thinking about it, he doesn't out rightly say No to anything but say i arrange a hair cut. There's nearly always a shift change so i cannot make it. To the extent that i have had 1 hair cut since June 2011!

Tonight i thought i need to cry to somebody, but i realised i don't have anybody that close anymore. I have friends, but nobody that i'm close to any longer.

In September i wanted to start college, he knew i had interview on x day - again shifts changed in work and i couldn't make it.

No he doesn't have to say no you can't get your hair cut, he just has to not turn up to look after the children and you can't get one. He has isolated you from your friends and prevented you from going to college. He is an abusive controlling passive agressive loser and you have nothing to lose and everything to gain from leaving him.

I think deep down you already know this and that is why you are making plans to leave.

A better option for you might be to bide your time, save secretely, not rock the boat, plan a safe exit for you and your children and as soon as you have the money for a deposit just go.

Take a look at these websites

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/emotional_abuse.html

http://www.heartless-!!!!!es.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

http://divorcedwomenonline.com/2010/08/17/emotional-abuse-checklist-are-you-being-emotionally-abused/

http://helpguide.org/mental/domestic_violence_abuse_types_signs_causes_effects.htm

http://www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Keep safe. Do you know how you cover your tracks online?

lolly_896

Ok, well things have dramatically moved on since my last post.

We went away together the 4 of us thinking that we wouget on with it until the new year for the children.
DH became pretty secretive about his phone and I guess deep down my gut was telling me that something wasn't right. On our first night, he told me he had been speaking to somebody else and he loved her. There has been no physical relationship but he wanted to move out and see where there relationship went.
Que lots of tears from me - but i was prepared to deal with it.
Now we are at home, he has decided to cut all contact with her. (Although he has too see her in work) And he was wrong in his decisions, he didn't/doesn't love her was just flattered by the attention from a young girl (10 years younger)
I love him so much, and never really realised how much i loved him, nor how happy i was until this made me so unhappy.
I feel that he has been honest with me, he said he'd been texting her for about 2 weeks. I checked his phone bill and this is the truth. Also I do beleive there has been no physical relationship - Work is approx 3 mins from our house. Quite often the children go to see him in work so if he had said he was working and was seeing her instead it would be very risky because if we popped in then he obv wouldnt be there. Other than his Christmas party - which he begged me to come too and the gig on Sat he hasn't been out.

Admittedly we don't/didn't have a picture perfect marriage but really does anyone. I'm really unsure if i can move on from this. I'd really like to give it our best shot before seperating, but i think he'd agree yet may not actually want it for himself. Just for the Children and our families.

PS. I did get my hair cut and he didnt say he couldnt have the boys. I've applied to go to college. I have an appoinment to see a maxillofacial surgeon in the new year. So these are things that i have been meaning/wanting to do for so long but always felt like i didnt have his support. But i am doing them for me!!

Mojisola

lolly_896 wrote: »

Now we are at home, he has decided to cut all contact with her. (Although he has too see her in work) And he was wrong in his decisions, he didn't/doesn't love her was just flattered by the attention from a young girl (10 years younger)

I love him so much, and never really realised how much i loved him, nor how happy i was until this made me so unhappy.
I feel that he has been honest with me

I hope I'm just being cynical but this seems interesting timing.

You've just found a bit of courage to stand up to him and suddenly he admits to a temptation but quickly stops it.

Is that just the right action to pull you back into line?

PS. I did get my hair cut and he didnt say he couldnt have the boys. I've applied to go to college. I have an appoinment to see a maxillofacial surgeon in the new year. So these are things that i have been meaning/wanting to do for so long but always felt like i didnt have his support. But i am doing them for me!!

Keep doing them for you. If, after an initial supportive flush, he goes back to his old ways, make other arrangements for child care so that he doesn't have the power of veto over your life.

zzzLazyDaisy

Mojisola wrote: »

so that he doesn't have the power of veto over your life.

This ^^^^^

Controlling manipulative men are rarely so open as to say 'No, I will not allow you to do/go/be/experience whatever is is you are wanting'

They are much more likely to passively appear to go along with it, probably show little interest, make no objections, maybe even appear to agree, maybe even make noises that sound like a support of sorts. In fact if you have been missing and wanting support for a long time, even a lack of objection may feel kin of almost like support.

But it will often be from a place of disinterested detachment, on their part and never from a place of enthusiastically wanting to be involved in your dreams and plans.

And then, just when you think you have everything sorted and you are getting somewhere... his friend will be ill/he will have to work late/matbe he is even tired and can't be bothered/or he will pick a fight so you feel upset/exhausted/no longer able to go forward with your plans.

That is what passive aggressive is about. And make no mistake, it is abusive.

This same man with quietly and insidiously separate you from your friends and family, almost without you realising what is happening. Is there a family occasion? A christening or an important birthday? He may book a surprise romantic weekend away. He may, in a very 'caring' way explain to your friends when they phone that you are tired and having a lie down... and 'forget' to tell you they have called.

He may let you get your hopes up about going to college, you may even get there.... but then he will sabotage your hard work, your self esteem, your ability to get to college - often in way that is 'not his fault' (work/illness/other demands) and it will often be at the last minute, so you are powerless to make other arrangements.

If even some of these patterns are familiar to you, make sure you ALWAYS have a back up if you want to do something. Get out there into the world, rebuild your support network, no it is not easy, but you can do it - you have to do it - if you wish to reclaim your life and your identity.

Dx

lolly_896

zzzLazyDaisy wrote: »

This ^^^^^

Controlling manipulative men are rarely so open as to say 'No, I will not allow you to do/go/be/experience whatever is is you are wanting'

They are much more likely to passively appear to go along with it, probably show little interest, make no objections, maybe even appear to agree, maybe even make noises that sound like a support of sorts. In fact if you have been missing and wanting support for a long time, even a lack of objection may feel kin of almost like support.

But it will often be from a place of disinterested detachment, on their part and never from a place of enthusiastically wanting to be involved in your dreams and plans.

And then, just when you think you have everything sorted and you are getting somewhere... his friend will be ill/he will have to work late/matbe he is even tired and can't be bothered/or he will pick a fight so you feel upset/exhausted/no longer able to go forward with your plans.

That is what passive aggressive is about. And make no mistake, it is abusive.

This same man with quietly and insidiously separate you from your friends and family, almost without you realising what is happening. Is there a family occasion? A christening or an important birthday? He may book a surprise romantic weekend away. He may, in a very 'caring' way explain to your friends when they phone that you are tired and having a lie down... and 'forget' to tell you they have called.

He may let you get your hopes up about going to college, you may even get there.... but then he will sabotage your hard work, your self esteem, your ability to get to college - often in way that is 'not his fault' (work/illness/other demands) and it will often be at the last minute, so you are powerless to make other arrangements.

If even some of these patterns are familiar to you, make sure you ALWAYS have a back up if you want to do something. Get out there into the world, rebuild your support network, no it is not easy, but you can do it - you have to do it - if you wish to reclaim your life and your identity.

Dx

Such wise words, and i have taken them all on board.
I have a fantastic family, and even though i haven't spoken to many of my friends in such a long time. They have all been super supportive. Quite astonishing really.