Help! Money causing arguments!

BethB_2

I know money is the one thing lots of couples argue about, but it's doing my head in. My husband and I have such different attitudes to money and I think that's the problem. Until I knew him, I'd never been in debt and always had money. He had £35K worth of debt when we met, which he couldn't pay. I helped him sort it out (he setup an IVA) and that is now clear but we have even more debt now (mostly in my name). The debt I can deal with - one day it will be cleared. It's the stupid wasting of money that does my head it. We have a low income at the moment from self-employment (although that is improving since I returned to work recently). We had £950 paid into the bank one week ago. Since then, he has spent £320 at various supermarkets and £250 on his hobby - that's in one week. That means the money I budget for food and bills each week has gone. We have no surplus income. This isn't the first time it's happened and we've spoken about it before and he gets the spending under control for a while and then it goes to pot again.

The only way I can see to prevent this is for me to control all the money and for him not to have access to it but I've been reluctant to do this in the past.

Does anyone have any experience of such a situation and how did you resolve it? We do have children, by the way.

joey_2

BethB wrote: »

I know money is the one thing lots of couples argue about, but it's doing my head in. My husband and I have such different attitudes to money and I think that's the problem. Until I knew him, I'd never been in debt and always had money. He had £35K worth of debt when we met, which he couldn't pay. I helped him sort it out (he setup an IVA) and that is now clear but we have even more debt now (mostly in my name). The debt I can deal with - one day it will be cleared. It's the stupid wasting of money that does my head it. We have a low income at the moment from self-employment (although that is improving since I returned to work recently). We had £950 paid into the bank one week ago. Since then, he has spent £320 at various supermarkets and £250 on his hobby - that's in one week. That means the money I budget for food and bills each week has gone. We have no surplus income. This isn't the first time it's happened and we've spoken about it before and he gets the spending under control for a while and then it goes to pot again.

The only way I can see to prevent this is for me to control all the money and for him not to have access to it but I've been reluctant to do this in the past.
Does anyone have any experience of such a situation and how did you resolve it? We do have children, by the way.

I am in a similar situation and have been doing this with my oh since November (his wages get paid into my account and I deal with everything and hand out any money he might need) - it's the best thing we could have done and he agrees and also I don't think it would have to be forever I can see his attitudes changing already now he sees how well things can work.

Dan_Thunder

What's he spent £320 on in supermarkets in one week!? If we spend £70 I think we've overdone it!

If it's you that budgets for food/bills is he made aware of how much you should both be spending? Why not sit him down and say that X amount if for food per week full stop, no extras.

Perhaps you could plan your weekly lunches and dinners in advance, that way you know what you need to spend and you culd maybe keep £20-30 in the kitchen somewhere for fresh food like salad or if you both change your mind one evening.

To me it sounds like you need to keep on top of him, if he does alright to start with and then deteriorates after a period of time then you need to give him another prod. It may not seem fair but if it helps him to keep track of his spending then a nag now and then may be the answer!

I am curious though as to what hobby costs £250 per week!?

Clive_Woody

Dan_Thunder wrote: »

To me it sounds like you need to keep on top of him.....

Well that's one way of stopping him spending any money....help keep you both fit too....

ilovebooks_2

My hubby is terrible with money and we sorted out some of our money problems by working out how much our bills were each month and dividing by 4 weeks and he paid a set amount each week into that account so all the bills got paid and I got food shopping money. It also helps that he does not have a cash card for that account and he has his own account as do I so if he overspends then he has to deal with the consequences, the rest of the family does not. It has worked for us for quite a few years although his spending on things that are not necessary still drives me round the bend. We have separate credit cards too as it's not fair on either of us be paying for the other. I have learnt not to nag him over money as it causes to many bad feelings but it has taken us a while (years) to get this settled.

ailuro2

Give him the cash to spend at the supermarket-say $60? for a weeks food-then he will have to buy within your means. Keep his credit and debit cards or he will withdraw more money- sounds like he has had long enough to learn good habits from you, and is asking for control to be taken out of his hands, at least until the debts are paid off.

belfastgirl23

Does he agree with you that this is a problem? That's the starting point. Any attempts by you to change things won't work unless you have agreement about where you're beginning. The fact that he's tried to get it under control is good but the fact that he can't manage it is worrying. Is it that he doesn't understand the restrictions on your budget or he can't cope with being restricted?

The very very last thing you want is to try to control anything without his agreement. This way lies real marital difficulty. I'd say ideally you should be running a joint account for agreed joint expenses (into which all money goes) and then individual accounts that 'pocket money' is transferred into. That way he has access to his own money (tho I'd do my best to make sure that account has no overdraft facility). I think you should keep all cards etc for the joint account though - I know it's inconvenient in one way but worth it for peace of mind. If he needs face saving you could just agree that it's easier for one person to control the account.

If you can get him to a point where he agrees he's not to be trusted with money and you are both comfortable with how you sort things out then that would be the best option. My DH says regularly that he would be in big trouble if I didn't deal with the finances - not exactly true in his case but it suits us both to believe it since I'm a control freak and he's laid back about money

I do hope you sort it out!

What on earth is his hobby BTW?

UglyBetty

“My husband and I have such different attitudes to money and I think that's the problem. Until I knew him, I'd never been in debt and always had money. He had £35K worth of debt when we met, which he couldn't pay…that is now clear but we have even more debt now (mostly in my name). The debt I can deal with..”


You have identified the problem but are ignoring the cause of it – your husband’s irresponsible attitude to debt and willingness to put even more debt in your name. You say you can deal with it even though it is his debt. That is your choice, although why you would want to take on that amount of debt that is not yours is difficult to understand.

You need to ask yourself whether you want to control all the money, whether he will ‘agree’ and if it will work for you. How did he expect that the children would be fed and clothed and a roof kept over your heads? Has he prioritised his hobby over the children and yourself, and does he acknowledge this?

I would not recommend a joint account – you already have more than enough debts to be managing – it will just become another funding stream for him. You will not be able to exercise sole control of a joint account.

His attitude to money is a reflection of his commitment and attitude to you and the children at present, and life in general. However, he was like this when you met him it seems, so perhaps it’s down to this:

Accept that he is like he is; he may not be able to make all the changes that you want him to and try to make the best of it (relationship counselling, debt counselling, separate finances etc.)

Tell him how you feel and give him the opportunity to work on a solution that is acceptable to you. As Belfastgirl23 says "Does he agree with you that this is a problem? That's the starting point. Any attempts by you to change things won't work unless you have agreement about where you're beginning"

Work out what you want, what your priorities are for you and the family - and try to reach agreement on the changes that are necessary for all the family.

Good luck

Psykicpup

what worked for us was - we worked out the budget for the bills etc then halved it - he then pays his half to me on a weekly basis as thats how he's paid - any money he has left over including any xtra for overtime etc is his (same with me) - The bills are covered & if he blows all his money on 'hobbbies' then thats just tough - same if I do lol. I admit I do all the banking/bill paying but thats cos I put my foot down after lots of - 'I thought you had paid, I thought you had' type problems......

lil_me

My partners choice - he has no cash card or credit cards to carry around with him as he's useless with money. He proved this running up a £7k credit card bill last year when I gave him it back.

Worked out the bills a long time ago, he gives me his share towards it, whatever is left he keeps and if he doesn't have money for it he doesn't buy it.

This means I do all the shopping, managing money etc but I would rather that than what previously happened, him leaving us broke!

Your partner is leaving you and your family without money for food and bills, sorry but that is a big NO! I think if he was my partner I'd be saying ok, this is the way it needs to be or we need to seperate as I can't risk my children going without, end of.

katecheshire

Just had the same problem. OH is pretty useless with money (he would admit it) and we have struggled sometimes. After finding this site I have managed to get things more under control but over the last few weeks he has spent a lot of money on 'nothing' - well he has nothing to show for it. Since Tuesday he has spent £113 . . . not a fortune but he is overdrawn. He has promised in the past not to do this but he has no money sense. I got annoyed tonight and cut up his cash card (well actually it was mine on the joint account as I cut HIS up last year).
Is there any way of educating him - I don't want to be doling out 'pocket money' and I don't really want the responsibility. But if I don't take it he will just fritter away until he's up to his overdraft limit again. I have suggested a spending diary but he doen't do it. I'm feeling like a nag but I can't afford for our financial situation to slip back.