Need your Advice

harvey1964

I know this is now moneysaving in families and relaionships but couldnt see where else to post.
A few days before easter my son fell out with his too best friends ( they are all 15 )these other two boys are as close as anything and hung around long before my son joined the two of them.But one night they were all in one of the boys house and the next day they wouldnt speak to my son. ( that was about 3 weeks ago ) I asked my son what happened and he said they just fell out with him for no reason.my son was crying and really upset.
anyway today i was tidying his room and i found his mobile and i read his texts (I KNOW I SHOULDNT HAVE ) and it turns out my son stole something off one of these boys - not sure what ! i am so upset , angry and dont know what to so...i am so ashamed. also my son lied to me....by saying he didnt know why thye had fallen out wth him.He has everything we can afford to give him., and being the youngest got more than the rest of my kids...He is due home from school in about an hour and so far all i have done is ring his dad and cry.........

ktb

oh dear.. try not to be too upset... teenagers are complicated creatures.. I know I was! The problem you now face it whether you acknowledge that you know the truth because then he will obviously know that you obtained that truth by invading his privacy. That may make him feel even more alienated at a time when his life probably feels rather upside down...

What a difficult situation! Obviously in an ideal world he shouldnt have lied to you... but you dont know the whole story and he obviously has chosen not to share it with you right now fror whatever reason. Maybe you have to respect that decision.

Are you going to confront him? Or hide your feelings, bide your time with the knowledge you now have and see what happens? If you decide to tackle this not by confrontation but by merely making sure he knows that the channels of communication are there to talk about the situation with his friend, you may find the truth comes out eventually and you wont have upset him by letting him know you read his mobile.

I'm sure it feels like a lose/lose situation at the moment... but I told my parents lots of (mostly harmless) lies when I was a teenager and we have a very open and honest relationship now... its not the end of the world. I hope it all works out for you.

Bagpuss1973

How can you be so certain he stole something from one of them by a text? Are they accusing him of stealing something? If so, he could well be innocent and upset because they don't believe him. You say you don't know what the item is - it could be something really pathetic like a pen or something. Try not to let you mind run riot. You know your son better than anyone else and just because he may not have everything handed to him on plate does not make him a thief - nor does a few texts from someone he is not currently friends with.

Big hugs, I am sure it will come in out in the wash so to speak.

Bagpussx

harvey1964

thank you for replyin. He had texted one of the guys saying "should i say to****( the ither guys name) about nicking that thing".... and then in the next text to him he said he " didnt mean to nick it " ( how do you not mean to nick something... i want to strangle him....
should i confront him ? should i just ask him again what happened. he will be cross if he thinks iv read his texts ? i cant think straight for crying...my older daughter never gave me a quarter of the bother he does...

Alikay

You could sit him down tonight and say calmly that you've been worried about him for a couple of weeks since the fall-out, and read his phone because he wasn't telling you much and you wanted to help him sort it out. Ask him what the texts mean, again, calmly and showing concern rather than being confrontational.

I too have read my teenagers' texts when there have been problems. They don't always tell you stuff they should do, and as parents you sometimes need to know. Hopefully the problem won't be too bad, and you may be able to suggest something he could do to put it right, or lessen the bad feeling between the lads. Get him to imagine himself in x and y's positions and see if he can think of something that would help.

harvey1964

thanks again....i just hope i can hold my tongue when he gets home.....

daphne_descends

I didn't have a mobile phone as a teenager, but if I had done, I don't think I'd be prepared to talk to my parents once they'd told me they read it!

I can completely understand your reasons for reading the messages; but I don't think your son will.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

harvey1964

fac73 wrote: »

I didn't have a mobile phone as a teenager, but if I had done, I don't think I'd be prepared to talk to my parents once they'd told me they read it!

I can completely understand your reasons for reading the messages; but I don't think your son will.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

Thank you all so much for replying.it amazes me how people take the time on here to reply and help other people out.
I know what you are saying....but i knew the boys didnt fall out with him over nothing.......i think i will keep quiet for now and try and mention it again and see if he tells me anything more. although he has let me, him friends and himself down if he has stolen and also lied to me. yet if i keep quiet he gets away with it...it aint easy being a parent eh ?????

Errata

Plenty of people who now do responsible jobs and earn enormous salaries nicked something from Woolworths when they were a kid, almost seems like a rite of passage. I'm not sure how your son is going to trust you with the truth when he can't trust you not to read his mobile messages. You've got quite a conundrum on your hands, why not talk it over with your OH and jointly decide how to handle the situation?

Bennifred

How about saying to your son (in a non-confrontational manner if poss!) that it has come to your notice that the fall-out wasn't about "nothing" and that you'd like to hear his side of the story? Don't mention the mobile, or he won't trust you in future. If he wants to know where you got your information , you could just say something along the lines of "People do talk, you know" - he'll probably think you heard it from one of the friends' Mums or something. If he says "What did they say?" you just say "Never mind what they said, I want to hear what YOU have to say". Hopefully he'll come clean if he thinks you know anyway. And then you can help him to work out a way of sorting things out with his friends so at least there won't be any animosity between them, even if the friendship isn't resumed.
Good luck!

sticher

Personally I don't think I would tell him you read his texts otherwise he may become more secretive in the future. At least you now have 'some' idea of what happened.

I would ask him again what caused them to fall out with him - giving him another opportunity to talk to you. It seems if he is so upset then he has already learnt his lesson perhaps.

Good luck (I also have a teenage son!).