marriage ending & feel numb

Grimbal

I've been married just 3.5 years, and it looks like the marriage is over. I have been feeling increasingly irrelevant to him, someone that was handy to come home to, but someone that he could easily live without if it came to it.

After yet another day of him nit-picking at everything I said, I'd finally had enough. It may not have been the most earth- shattering of events to be the final straw, but I've had enough. I don't feel loved or even appreciated. We don't really talk any more , don't hold hands or cuddle even.

I still can't quite believe that I've finally told him how I feel. Part of me wanted him to declare that he still loved me & that we could work it out. I guess the fact that he didn't, tells me that it really is over

I'm not entirely sure why I've posted this - perhaps I need to hear your own stories of how you came through things: either to reconcile or to move on. Perhaps I just need to feel that I'm not alone at the moment - I have no friends or family & am scared about what the future is going to be spent entirely on my own

rising_from_the_ashes

Sorry to hear things are tough Grimbal no hugely wise words I'm afraid, just wanted to say - it's so easy to just keep plodding along and let things go but if you're not happy, then making the decision to do something about it is really hard, but can lead to a wonderful new life.

If you make the break and find a wee place of your own, I'm absolutely positive that in no time, you'll have made some friends and will be enjoying life to the full again - as you deserve to (((hugs)))

marisco_2

Sorry to hear of your troubles. You will know in your heart what the next step needs to be. It might help you to contact Relate. Either to go as a couple to maybe try and reconcile, or just to hear each others points of view with a third party there to help and guide you both. You could just go on your own and work through how you feel about everything.

I can really empathise with your feelings about the future. I walked away from my marriage 6 years ago and felt very scared about being on my own. There have been many ups and downs since but I am much happier now and I know that it was the right decision. It takes time to adapt to being single again but once you embrace it and move forward, life takes on a whole new exciting phase. Sending you a big (((HUG))) and wishing you all the best whatever you decide to do.

pinkshoes

Sounds to me like the two of you took your marriage for granted and didn't work at it. If you don't tell your partner how you're feeling, how are they supposed to know???

Perhaps now it's all out in the open you can discuss things, and decide if you want to both actually try to make it work (as you obviously loved each other enough to get married) or whether you can't be bothered to try and are just going to walk away.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!

Edit: just to say that when I walked away from my 5 year relationship, I could honestly say we both tried our hardest to make it work, but still failed, so I have no regrets from walking away.

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow

"Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!"

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work, well not healthy relationships anyway. It was this belief system that kept me in my marriage for 10 years longer than I should have.

The constant belief that if I only tried harder, cooked more, pleased more, be a better wife, work more hours to make a financial contribution, work less hours to spend time with the kids, fellate more, find out whats wrong with him today, tie myself in knots to end the sulking, yada yada yada, it's all nonsense.

Healthy relationships are supposed to be mutally rewarding. It's clear from the OP that her husband has already left the relationship, in his head, because he isn't doing anything to salvage it, but is probably quite happy for the OP to run herself ragged trying to fix things.

Well done for seeing that your relationship is over before you waste any more time. I wish you all the best for your future.

marisco_2

pinkshoes wrote: »

Sounds to me like the two of you took your marriage for granted and didn't work at it. If you don't tell your partner how you're feeling, how are they supposed to know???

Perhaps now it's all out in the open you can discuss things, and decide if you want to both actually try to make it work (as you obviously loved each other enough to get married) or whether you can't be bothered to try and are just going to walk away.

Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!

Edit: just to say that when I walked away from my 5 year relationship, I could honestly say we both tried our hardest to make it work, but still failed, so I have no regrets from walking away.

Sigh.......

Dont you just love it when people say 'sorry to be harsh' and use it as an excuse to write what you have above! Sadly it comes across loud and clear that you have read the OP and for reasons known only to yourself you have decided to make sweeping, rude judgements about a couples relationship when you dont know the first thing about them.

You have managed to show no empathy at all and come across as very patronising. Well done you!

Princesspearl

Dear OP, I'm sorry that your relationship has not been everything you wanted it to be.
I left my husband after 4 years as he was a bully and a control freak who looked at me as if I were a sex object. I tried to make it work but I was becoming an emotional wreck and lived in fear of what he would be like when he got home each weekend (He was in the Navy) I was only 24 when I got married and I now know that this was far to young for me.
to bring things up to date, I am now in the situation where I am breaking up with the man I left my husband for. We have been together for over 14 years but things have been going wrong for about 7!!!! I know, no one can ever say I didn't try!!!
I'm actually now looking forward to a new life on my own. I don't know where I will end up as I like the easiness of my job but i so long to live down on the South Coast. I have decided that I need time for myself as I have been in back to back relationships for over 24 years and in all that time the only person who has ever given it her all and got on and coped has been me. Therefore I know I will get there on my own.
I have come to realise that being in a relationship is not the be all and end all. It's nice to have a "distraction" and I have a social life there if I need it.
Do what makes you happy as at the end of the day, no one will do that for you.
Good Luck

balletshoes

Grimbal wrote: »

I've been married just 3.5 years, and it looks like the marriage is over. I have been feeling increasingly irrelevant to him, someone that was handy to come home to, but someone that he could easily live without if it came to it.

After yet another day of him nit-picking at everything I said, I'd finally had enough. It may not have been the most earth- shattering of events to be the final straw, but I've had enough. I don't feel loved or even appreciated. We don't really talk any more , don't hold hands or cuddle even.

I still can't quite believe that I've finally told him how I feel.
Part of me wanted him to declare that he still loved me & that we could work it out. I guess the fact that he didn't, tells me that it really is over

I'm not entirely sure why I've posted this - perhaps I need to hear your own stories of how you came through things: either to reconcile or to move on. Perhaps I just need to feel that I'm not alone at the moment - I have no friends or family & am scared about what the future is going to be spent entirely on my own

to me, this bit i've highlighted is the important bit. Have you never felt you could tell your OH how you really feel? Or has that changed over the years? If it has changed, why do you think its changed?

floss2

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

"Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!"

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work, well not healthy relationships anyway.....

marisco wrote: »

Sigh.......

Dont you just love it when people say 'sorry to be harsh' and use it as an excuse to write what you have above! Sadly it comes across loud and clear that you have read the OP and for reasons known only to yourself you have decided to make sweeping, rude judgements about a couples relationship when you dont know the first thing about them.

You have managed to show no empathy at all and come across as very patronising. Well done you!

TBH, I don't think that Pink Shoes was being unsympathetic or patronising. Any relationship (whether personal, friendship, work, family) needs work, sometimes just a little but at other times a lot from both parties, and not always at the same time.

Personally, I think that people who think a relationship needs NO work are misguided, foolish and living in cloud cuckoo land. How many people do we all know who have experienced relationship problems that with a bit of effort from both sides may have been resolved and maybe even a relationship saved, all because someone thought that true love needs no help and everything would just glide along like magic.

Hanging_by_a_thread

OP I hope you are okay. Take your time to decide what you want to happen next. Only you know what has been going on in your relationship and how best to proceed.

No-one has a right to judge you or tell you that you should have tried harder. It is a shame that some people on this forum choose to be rude and make judgements on things they know nothing about. As in real life you get a few on here who dont think before they speak their mind :cool:

Dunroamin

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

"Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!"

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work, well not healthy relationships anyway. It was this belief system that kept me in my marriage for 10 years longer than I should have..

Relationships shouldn't be hard work all the time but all relationships will have difficult periods where you have to stick with it and work to come out the other side. To think otherwise is pure fantasy.