marriage ending & feel numb

FBaby

Dunroamin wrote: »

Relationships shouldn't be hard work all the time but all relationships will have difficult periods where you have to stick with it and work to come out the other side. To think otherwise is pure fantasy.

I totally agree. Some relationships are naturally easy, but most will require some efforts at least at some point. All that matters in the end is how committed each are to it.

I believe that every relationship, when love is still in the air, should aim to actively work things out in the first instance. Relationships can deteriorate to the point that it looks like there is nothing left of it, but the only reason it got to that stage is because both took the relationship for granted, maybe because they did not believe it required any efforts.

pinkshoes

NotSuchASmugMarriedNow wrote: »

"Sorry if that sounds harsh, but so many people don't realise that a good relationship requires hard work!"

Relationships aren't supposed to be hard work, well not healthy relationships anyway. It was this belief system that kept me in my marriage for 10 years longer than I should have.

The constant belief that if I only tried harder, cooked more, pleased more, be a better wife, work more hours to make a financial contribution, work less hours to spend time with the kids, fellate more, find out whats wrong with him today, tie myself in knots to end the sulking, yada yada yada, it's all nonsense.

Healthy relationships are supposed to be mutally rewarding. It's clear from the OP that her husband has already left the relationship, in his head, because he isn't doing anything to salvage it, but is probably quite happy for the OP to run herself ragged trying to fix things.

.

Perhaps if you read my post carefully, you'll see that I say that relationships require hard work, not that they should be hard work!

It's the (hard) work that you put into a relationship that makes it an easy relationship.

The work being the bit where you communicate and find a balance so you can both continue to be happy. (and definitely not cooking, cleaning, earning money etc... to try and make someone happy - that is NOT working at a relationship!)

make_me_wise

pinkshoes wrote: »

Sounds to me like the two of you took your marriage for granted and didn't work at it.

Perhaps now it's all out in the open you can discuss things, and decide if you want to both actually try to make it work (as you obviously loved each other enough to get married) or whether you can't be bothered to try and are just going to walk away.

Do you know this couple personally and all the goings on in their relationship? If not I cant quite fathom how you came to the conclusions above.

They have been together 7 years, not five minutes. They are in their mid twenties not young teenagers who haven't got the first idea how to work at things. For all you know the OP may have tried everything she could to make things work. Very little detail is given in the OP.

I sadly walked away from my marriage after ten years. Like yourself I did everything I could to make it work. Getting divorced and being on your own is not something many people take lightly. Does the fact that I lasted the distance twice as long as you did give me the right to question your commitment to your relationship or how hard you tried at it? No it doesn't at all. So why do you feel able to do that to the OP?

chirp

Each person's thought process is different and they react differently to any given situation. This is based on the chemical composition of their brains. That is why in a given situation one person may get angry and the other doesn't.
Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus is a book written by American author, and relationship counselor, John Gray. It basically explains that men and women think and react differently. It is helpful for people to read this book. You will find that the most common complaint a woman has about her male partner is that "he doesn't talk to me" (which they equate to "he doesn't care"). And the most common complaint a man has about his female partner is "she nags me too much" (which happens when they are told more than once to do something which they should have done). But a woman will say "why don't you just do something when I tell you to. And when I have to tell you a 2nd time you call it nagging"!
If men and women can understand and give a little margin to the differences in the chemical compositions of their brains a lot of differences in relationships can be sorted. Children who are brought up by their biological parents who have a good relationship with each other, in turn become more balanced and happy human beings. So a relationship between a man and woman who have kids needs more understanding, love and tolerance than one without kids.
Every change in life (job, place, relationship) causes a certain amount of stress. But everything always follows a cycle: a lot of positive feelings, enthusiasm and hope in the beginning, then slight boredom and monotony starts setting in and then it may end. And it is time for a fresh start. The feelings that you have at the beginning will never remain constant, it will wane. At the end of the day you know what is best for you and no-one else has a right to judge you. You will get through this. All the best.

meritaten

It doesnt matter how I felt at various times - unloved, taken for granted etc.
its how YOU feel! would a trial separation help? or counselling? or a good cry, kick the cat and put exlax into his night-time cocoa?
hun, only YOU know if you think you can lick him into shape! perhaps he too needs to have time to reflect or time alone without you.
I am sorry you are having such a bad time - but, many marraiges struggle like this in the early years - some recover and get stronger - but others limp on for many many years..............
only you know which route is best for you.

loveasale

im so very sorry you find yourself in this position.
I too am in the exact same situation as you ,but about 3 weeks ahead,
I too really wanted my OH to say 'don't be silly , i really love you and want us to work' but he didn't .
I know I can say I worked as hard as I could to make it work but one person alone can't make a marriage!
I wish you well, i write on here most days and it helps me- and i'm not boring my friends or family, who i know are supportive but i prefer to rant to a load or strangers!
you will get lots of support here and advice be it about money or other things!

meritaten

can I just say that men can sometimes be 'clueless'! I have many times been steaming at OHs thoughtlessness - only for him to turn around and say 'well, you didnt tell me..................'!
not trying to 'stereotype' men - but some men do not recognise hints or even understand female body language - sometimes they just need to be told 'I need/want/would like so and so! and unless you know that and get into the habit of almost barking out orders - you aint gonna get what you want.