Alzheimers- How much help.

SandraScarlett

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Oh how I WISH I could get MIL to find out what help is available locally. She says they're fine at the moment, and up to a point they are - but what happens when they're NOT fine and need help in a hurry?

Well that's why it would be great if you could perhaps arrange for someone from the Council to visit, so that it coincided with your trip to see your MIL. Would that be possible?

If this not likely to happen then I would contact Social Services and fully explain the situation, and especially the fact that you don't live nearby.

It might entail a lengthy phone call from you initially, to point out the problems you are facing, due to her insisting that things are fine, but at least you would then have peace of mind.

I practically skipped to the car when I took DH to his club today. The great thing is, I have all the phone numbers at my fingertips, should things deteriorate and more help is needed.

Good luck to all Carers.

xx

Errata

Sue - suggesting things to you feels like teaching my grandmother to suck eggs
However, tin hat on, use the visit as an opportunity to be very firm with the inlaws. Make sure they fully understand how much of a panic and flap happened last time there was an 'incident' and you'd rather YOU and YOURS were properly organised so when something untoward happens again you've all made plans to cope with it.
My stepdad was a cantankerous old buqqer but as soon as I started being very firm with him our lives were a lot easier.

Savvy_Sue

SandraScarlett wrote: »

Well that's why it would be great if you could perhaps arrange for someone from the Council to visit, so that it coincided with your trip to see your MIL. Would that be possible?

We're here now, so no, not this time. As for on a future visit, I think she'd still say no, it's not necessary, and FIL definitely wouldn't want it. Although it may depend how tomorrow's appointment goes: she's saying she'll be dropped off, and make her own way home afterwards, whereas I'm suggesting I stay with her. Of course, if FIL remembers what the appointment is for, he may insist on coming too ...

Actually, I've just thought of a cunning plan for tomorrow. But all a bit complicated.

SandraScarlett wrote: »

If this not likely to happen then I would contact Social Services and fully explain the situation, and especially the fact that you don't live nearby.

I'm not sure this will get me much further forward.

SandraScarlett wrote: »

It might entail a lengthy phone call from you initially, to point out the problems you are facing, due to her insisting that things are fine, but at least you would then have peace of mind.

I'm partly held back by BIL's view that everything's fine too ...

Errata wrote: »

Sue - suggesting things to you feels like teaching my grandmother to suck eggs
However, tin hat on, use the visit as an opportunity to be very firm with the inlaws. Make sure they fully understand how much of a panic and flap happened last time there was an 'incident' and you'd rather YOU and YOURS were properly organised so when something untoward happens again you've all made plans to cope with it.
My stepdad was a cantankerous old buqqer but as soon as I started being very firm with him our lives were a lot easier.

That is a thought, actually. BIL is hopefully starting a new job in the new year, that may trigger a few possibilities.

And FIL can be a cantankerous old buqqer too. Heart of gold, especially where I'm concerned: but even if I TELL him something, he won't remember it, so the groundwork will have to be repeated a few times ...

He asked me earlier how my parents were. I always struggle with that one ... because Dad died three years ago! Sometimes I can get away with "they're fine" and some specifics about Mum, but sometimes he then asks directly about what Dad's up to!

Ho hum. Well, none of it will be any easier on no sleep ...

Savvy_Sue

It's a good news / bad news situation.

Good news is that MIL's appointment went well, she needs a small outpatient procedure but nothing serious. So she can sleep at night again instead of lying awake worrying.

Bad news is that, as expected, she doesn't see that they need any help, or that finding out what help might be available if needed in future might be useful, or that FIL would accept any help even if it was available. And BIL agrees that FIL wouldn't accept new people in the house, would be confused, and that it was too late for anything like that.

BIL hopes to start a new job in January, so that will, IMO, put more pressure on Mum: he hasn't done anything dangerous when she's gone out and left him, but he doesn't remember where she's gone, doesn't remember when she'll be back, and doesn't find the lunch that she's left,

He's asked after my parents 3 times. We're glossing over it, MIL reminded him that they'd moved out of London some years ago which is why he hasn't seen them around.

Still, at least he still remembers his grandsons, although he's constantly surprised at the fact that they're now young adults, not little boys! So am I ...

Mojisola

Savvy_Sue wrote: »

Bad news is that, as expected, she doesn't see that they need any help, or that finding out what help might be available if needed in future might be useful, or that FIL would accept any help even if it was available.

And BIL agrees that FIL wouldn't accept new people in the house, would be confused, and that it was too late for anything like that.

The only thing you can do now is step back and wait for the emergency to happen where they'll have no choice. It's really difficult but you can't force help on people.

From experience, I can't agree with BIL. If FIL is only at the stage where he asks things three times, then he's going to get a lot worse over time. At some point, he will have to have carers. He's only at the start of the illness now.

SandraScarlett

Mojisola wrote: »

The only thing you can do now is step back and wait for the emergency to happen where they'll have no choice. It's really difficult but you can't force help on people.

From experience, I can't agree with BIL. If FIL is only at the stage where he asks things three times, then he's going to get a lot worse over time. At some point, he will have to have carers. He's only at the start of the illness now.

It would appear this is all you can do. The way your FIL is now, is how my DH started. I wouldn't dream of leaving him for 5 minutes now. But Mojisola is right, you can't force help onto people. And your BIL is burying his head in the sand.

You've done what you can on this visit, and let's hope that on your next one, they may agree to some help

Happy New Year to you and your family.

xx

Savvy_Sue

Thanks all. I've been watching MIL: she prepares all FIL's pills at the start of the week, she gets his insulin ready and tells him how much to take and when, she records his twice daily blood tests, she phones the diabetic nurse and passes on his (currently astronomical!) readings. She uses the same mug for him when she makes him a drink - I think it's a different one for breakfast tea, morning coffee, after lunch tea, four o'clock coffee and bedtime drink, but she knows which mug belongs to which drink.

She checks what he eats (we had the same problem when out for meals on this visit, he eats very little and then his blood sugars go all over the place). He gets grumpy because she's telling him what to do and he doesn't think he needs her to - but he does!

He barely lets her out of his sight: when she goes to the kitchen he follows her in after a few minutes or asks constantly where she is, what she's doing and whether he can help.

We went out today: they went home earlier than us because he hadn't eaten properly and it was too noisy. By the time we got back he'd forgotten we'd all been out together, and before we got back he was saying he hadn't seen any of us for months, when were we coming up again?

But you're right, all we can do is sit back and wait for the crisis. Although, I may do some private research ...

Fortunately the boys are very good with him: they'll find they need the loo too if he needs to go when we're out (because he won't find his way back to us!) and they humour him - tonight they've been playing poker (for matchsticks) with him, and he has not a clue ... but was very pleased to win! :rotfl:

Oh yes, the gas fire in the dining room needs a match to light it, so let's hope he never feels the need to go in there when he's on his own! Because he can't remember that the sparky bit is broken ...

ukmaggie45

Oh Savvy Sue, not been here in a while, didn't know this stuff. Big hugs to you, what a difficult time you are going through! Hope that you are coping OK in this New Year. Best wishes to you from Liverpool.

margaretclare

Thanks all. I've been watching MIL: she prepares all FIL's pills at the start of the week, she gets his insulin ready and tells him how much to take and when, she records his twice daily blood tests, she phones the diabetic nurse and passes on his (currently astronomical!) readings. She uses the same mug for him when she makes him a drink - I think it's a different one for breakfast tea, morning coffee, after lunch tea, four o'clock coffee and bedtime drink, but she knows which mug belongs to which drink.

Oh crikey. We use the same mugs - wash them out each time!

This reminds me of when DH was so ill in October 2008. I had a long phone conversation with a doctor in the Medical Assessment ward. He obviously expected that I would be doing all things your MIL does for FIL and he kept referring to me as DH's 'carer', I kept saying 'no, I'm not his carer, I'm his wife'. As DH had been Type II diabetic since about 1981, long before we knew each other, I've never seen the need to get involved to that extent.

You mention that your MIL gets the insulin ready and tells him how much to take. How does she know that? DH tests himself at regular intervals throughout the day, first thing in the morning, before meals etc and if he feels he's getting a bit 'low' (which doesn't often happen). He gives himself the amount of insulin he thinks appropriate for his test result and what he's going to eat. He says it's never exact, always 'by guess', but whenever he sees the diabetic specialist nurses or has his 6-monthly HbA1c, they always say the his control is good. He doesn't think it is ever 'good' but it's the best he can do.

The only time his blood result was 'astronomical' was just before he was admitted to hospital that time, the paramedic found it high and it was because of the infection and also because he'd forgotten to take his bolus insulin before bed.

Savvy_Sue

margaretclare wrote: »

Oh crikey. We use the same mugs - wash them out each time!

So do we! But they have a dishwasher, so tend to use fresh mugs each time. Plus sometimes it's a 'cup and saucer' job: I'm sure there's a logic, but not sure what, or what the system is.

margaretclare wrote: »

You mention that your MIL gets the insulin ready and tells him how much to take. How does she know that? DH tests himself at regular intervals throughout the day, first thing in the morning, before meals etc and if he feels he's getting a bit 'low' (which doesn't often happen). He gives himself the amount of insulin he thinks appropriate for his test result and what he's going to eat. He says it's never exact, always 'by guess', but whenever he sees the diabetic specialist nurses or has his 6-monthly HbA1c, they always say the his control is good. He doesn't think it is ever 'good' but it's the best he can do.

Oh, she tells him to test at regular intervals, and she notes the results down. Then she works out what his dose should be.

Partly his control is poor because he forgets he's diabetic, and has eaten another biscuit before mother's put them away (no, I don't know why they have biscuits in the house. Always have, always will ...) Partly it's because in winter he gets very little exercise, MIL drags him down to the shops every day but he's also had problems walking at various times.

He used to be more in control himself, but when MIL realised he didn't really know what he was doing any more she took over.

It's even worse atm because he's now supposed to inject before lunch as well as breakfast and evening meal, and because that's 'different' he doesn't always want to do it, or accept that he needs to. MIL is hoping they can change back to twice a day, but it's a while until the next review.

I've just remembered, she showed me a letter the diabetic nurse sent to the GP requesting a change in his prescription: "I reviewed Mr X in clinic, where he was accompanied by his wife", and I thought "Yup, he would have been. He doesn't go anywhere without her now."

Mind you, I'm not sure she'd describe herself as his carer, even though he wouldn't last five minutes without her.