80 year old Dad...a danger on the roads

Lesley998

Hi all

Just looking for some advice as to the best way to handle this, and if any of you have had to deal with the same situation.

My eighty year old father, who used to be a very careful and concentious driver has begun to lose it a little. I have noticed over the last year or two - in all aspects of life, not just driving - he is a little less alert than he used be be, tends to repeat himself a lot, and get's quite worked up about things that used to not bother him. I don't think he is in early stages of AD or anything, but I don't think he should be driving and I don't know how to broach this with him without hurting his feelings.

I very rarely get in the car with him, but my 17 year old son sometimes gets lifts from him and says it is a nightmare. He drives very slowly sometimes, then speeds up in innaproriate places. When overtaking, he goes so far to the right to avoid the car he is passing, he is almost on the pavement.

He has never had a bump for years, but recently he has had three. Once a few months ago, and then he phoned the other night to say someone had scraped his car with their vehicle in a car park, and could we arrange to get the bumper painted. (We own a garage.) When my husband saw the damage, it was obvious the car had been scraped along a wall, and quite badly at that. We lent him another car while his was being repaired, and he dented and scraped the bumper in exactly the same place - in a matter of two days - but swore blind it wan't him and the car was like that when he got it. We never fell out about it, and he has offered to pay for the damage...but I think he is in complete denial about his deteriorating driving skills, and so is my Mum.

I did try to broach it with her, but she went in a total huff with me (is very protective of him) and I have found it difficult to bring it up again.

Meanwhile, my dad is out there still driving, and of course, I am just as worried for the safety of others on the road as well as him and my Mum.

Any tips?

Thanks

Justie

it's really difficult, my FIL is a few years younger but also slow to react and often doesn't get his road placing spot on. It's very hard to get them to admit that their reactions are slower and their road awareness not so good. The problem is MIL can no longer drive so if he gives up his car too they both feel isolated and as though their freedom has been taken away. I don't know what the answer is i'm afraid...

Lesley998

Thanks.

Given that my dad was (and still is, sometimes) such a practical and sensible man, I am hoping he will realise for himself at some point soon...especially when he has had time to think about the recent scrapes.

Penny_Watcher

After the age of 70 you need renew you driving license every three years. I've an idea (though I'm not sure) that this involves a medical with your GP. Could you drop a line to your father's GP telling him of your concerns?

Justie

Penny_Watcher wrote: »

After the age of 70 you need renew you driving license every three years. I've an idea (though I'm not sure) that this involves a medical with your GP. Could you drop a line to your father's GP telling him of your concerns?

I think they only refuse to sign your licence if there's a medical condition that makes driving dangerous rather than just slowing reactions etc from old age.


Lesley hopefully your dad will see the light especially if he keeps having small scrapes. It may be worth working out the finances and seeing what local taxi firms charge etc as we persuaded MIL to give up her can as it was cheaper to use taxis than to pay the MOT, insurance, garage rental, tax etc. She still didn't want to give it up for a long time but now wouldn't consider driving.

Welshlassie

We had this problem with my GrandFIL. He finally gave up at the beginning of last winter at the ripe old age of 87. He struggled to accept that he wasn't safe on the roads, but realised that he needed to stop when his parkinsons got worse. We got him a mobility scooter which he uses to go to the supermarket, newsagent and chip shop and we then take it in turns to take him to church and round in laws for dinner on weekends. Part of his reasoning for not given up was his frustration at having to rely on other people and since he has given up he has become more cantankerous, but we put up with this knowing that at least he and others on the road are now safe.

Try asking in passing if he has thought about when he would like to give up driving. Make it known that he won't have to stop going places and that you will help out when he needs it.

Stopping driving can be seen as loosing their independance, which is one of the reasons they can be so reluctant to give up. They also don't always understand the dangers on the road these days. My GrandFIL used to get annonyed if he couldn't get into 4th gear on one of the road by us - understandable you might say, until I tell you it is one of the busiest community shopping areas in Cardiff.

The mobility scooter has helped some what, but he will be difficult, but do persevere.

chika

You need to be cruel to be kind. I'm not sure exactly what to do but I would start by calling the police or the DVLA. He sounds like he is a danger not only to himself but to others.

I pray that this doesn't happen but what would you do if he had an accident and killed someone? You would have that on your concience. I couldn't live with that.

Please please do something soon before he seriously hurts himself or someone else.

Gingernutmeg

There was an article in one of the papers a week or so ago about talking to parents about ageing ... I think it was the Times Online edition. They featured someone who had exactly this problem and the suggestion they offered was to get someone else (an authority figure, like a GP or policeman) to have a chat with your parent, and see if they can make them see that it might be a good idea for them to give up driving.

Lesley998

Thanks all.

I may have a chat to my own GP about what I should do in the circumstances...I don't know if you can speak to someone elses GP about them because of patient confidentiality etc. I don't even think he has seen his own GP for years, he is a healthy old soul, but his mind is definitely going.

I think if he has another minor scrape, he might have to have a good re think. He was definitely contrite about the car we lent him...I could see he was concerned, although he would not admit he did it, or at least couldnt remember doing it, which is even worse!

I don't think I can just go on worrying and doing nothing.

liz105

how about finding a way (sneaky I know) of forcing him to not use the car at a time when you know he'll really need it? like a shopping trip or church? hide the keys or be changing the tyre at a really awkward moment, this may make him use alternative transport like a taxi and he might even like it?

pinkshoes

My granddad (83) will at least admit his night vision is not so good, therefore he no longer drives when it's dark. He IS a little on the slow side on the roads, but not irritatingly slow, and for an 83 year old he's probably better than some young drivers!!

You have 2 options: you tell him your concerns now, and do it as tactfully as possible, OR you wait until he has more accidents, possibly a serious one, which will make him realise he's not fit to drive any more. If he's loosing his marbles slightly, then he might not remember these little incidents in the car, so gave the car park explanation as he doesn't remember otherwise.