Spoilt children?

Carl31

Ive just had another load of abuse hurled my way by my 11 year old step daughter about paying for another school trip.

I have 2 step daughters, my own daughter and my son. My son lives with bis mother. Our household income is above average, we are not millionaires, but we dont really struggle either.

we tend to do a lot with our kids, go out a lot, keep them entertained, and they never really miss out. Over the past 2 years both my stepdaughters have been able to go on school residential trips, one in year 5 and another in year 6. Its cost us about 800 pounds for this. They 'pay' for things by doing jobs around the house where they earn 50p per job towards their trips.

Eldest stepdaughter has just started secondary school, where there is yet another trip. its more of a fun trip than educational. Since starting secondary, her attitude and behaviour has become awful, which i expect due to age, but its also lead to a lot of rudeness, and also expectation around money. I have said that if she earns enough for the trip she can go, but due to not bothering she has not earned enough for the deposit. Due to her behaviour and the fact shes not earned enough I have said she cant go, which resulted in an awful tantrum.

Does it sound like these children are spoilt? This behaviour has annoyed ne tonight, but i think its my own fault for building expectations

balletshoes

if you and her mum are on the same page regarding the trip and how its to be paid for, then I don't see a problem. Your stepdaughter knew the rules, she hasn't held up her side of the deal.

Spendless

It's not your fault, don't blame yourself. She knew what the rules were and hasn't done them. She learns there's a consequence to her actions which is a more valuable lesson than any school trip. Though it may take many more experiences for the message to sink in. She's kicked off because she's disappointed and annoyed and an element of Kevin the Teengager 'it's sooooooooo unfair' partly due to her age and starting Secondary and partly because she'll be mixing in a wider circle of kids, who have different economic circs at home, and she may think along the lines of Katie doesn't have to do chores for the trip so why should I.

Parenting adolescents/teenager eh?? Makes you long for the days of potty training woes back-lol.

Carl31

Thanks for the responses. The thing is, i compare what our kids have/do to what we had or other kids around them. Although ours dont tend to get 'things' they do get a lot of experiences, and I think they do alright overall. Its just the ungrateful attitude that comes with it, and a bit of worry that Im maybe a bit old fashioned in my approach (although im only 32)

I assume doing jobs at home for stuff is pretty normal, but what kind of 'pay' do people give their kids?

mumps

My kids had one school trip paid for, after that if they wanted to go on trips they had to pay half. This was generally from Christmas/birthday money and maybe some pocket money. If they didn't think it was worth their money then I certainly didn't think it was worth mine.

I didn't pay for jobs, they had pocket money and were expected to contribute to the running of the home as they lived here. That didn't always work as well as the holiday thing but with a bit of nagging it got done.

balletshoes

up til now (my DD is 11 and in her first year at secondary school) she doesn't get pocket money. Anything expensive she wants to buy has to come from birthday/christmas/gift money she gets through the year.

I am aware this may have to change though as she gets older and wants to be out with friends etc.

eta - the "ungrateful attitude" kind of comes with the teenage territory, even if you spoiled them rotten and bought them whatever they wanted whenever they wanted it, you could still get a bit of that. I'm not saying its right, and if its disrupting the household it shouldn't go unchallenged, but I do remember watching "Kevin the teenager" on the Harry Enfield show years ago, and it rang a bell with me - "its sooooo unfair" seems to be the teenage mantra - don't you remember doing that?

balletshoes

Oh, and I would try really hard if I were you not to compare your kids' lot and the kids around them/you. There will always be kids who have more than yours, and there will always be kids who have less.

McKneff

Let her 'tantrum' away.

Follow it through and dont change your mind.

fannyanna

Yes your children are in a fortunate position and yes it appears that your step daughter is taking things for granted. What I would say is that I think it’s quite typical of children (especially teenagers).

I think we all takes things for granted to a certain extent and don’t appreciate how lucky we are until we lose something or start having to work hard for it. Whilst your step daughter has to do jobs around the home to pay for her trips ultimately it is down to you and her Mum whether or not she attends these trips – and as a teenager you believe it’s your right to things (regardless of the impact it may have on anyone else).

Stand your ground!

millysg1

Im a supporter of a bit of tough loving im afraid. You informed her at the start what she had to do for you to agree for her to go. If she choose not to bother then she has to learn that she doesnt get.

It reminds me of my sister and I versus two of my cousins. They got ski trips and florida every year while we got a week in cornwall, they got huge allowances, laptops and playstations and we cleaned the bathroom for £5 and no pocket money. Now we are all in our 20s, my sister and I have degrees and good jobs, settled down and married/kids and one of my cousins hasnt had a job since leaving school 4 years ago and the other has had part time jobs but generally gets sacked after couple months as cant quite master getting up intime for work. When we were younger my aunt and uncel thought they were giving their kids great experiences but the kids learnt too young that if they had a tantrum they would get whatever they wanted and their parents would go back on their promise. Now this is just one example and im probably being a bit mean on my cousins.

In my opinion It's your job as a parent to teach life lessons to prepare them for life as an adult and i fully support holding your guns on this one and help her learn nothing in life is free.

jackyann

I broadly agree with above, but I would say that you need to check:
are the rules clear, does everyone in this extended family stick to them?
are the children all treated reasonable fairly across the family? You can't count up every little thing, but broadly is everyone treated equally?

It can be difficult when there are steps / halfs / different families paying for stuff.
But if it is clear & fair - then she has to have her tantrum & learn.
If it wasn't clear or fair, then have a discussion to explain & work it out.

I have to say that I dislike these "holiday" type trips that blur the line between education & leisure. They make for these sort of worries.